Sexual frustration?

[v1nca]

I'm not really sure how to start this off but, I think I'm sexually frustrated and I don't know how to tell my partner. My partner and I are both nineteen. I identify as demisexual and I didn't realize I could have sexual feelings until I was about fifteen. We've only ever attempted sex twice, but we never went through with it in the end. Other than those two times, we've only ever done anything sexual at his place, but we never went too far due to lack of privacy. Usually it's just us making out a bit or me performing oral sex on him. It feels like every time we do something, it's usually just something that stimulates him. I've given him orgasms many times before but he's never really done anything to stimulate me other than a little dry humping. He says he'd want to attempt sex again sometime but we never really have any privacy to do so. Though, visits at his college are supposed to open up again later this month. I just worry because I'm not able to drive to purchase condoms myself because I don't have a license, and whenever we've gotten intimate in his dorm and I've asked if he wants to go further, he never has any, and I feel like he's not going to go out and purchase them. It just bothers me because there have been times that both of us want to go further but we can't because of that (we used up the only two condoms we had during those two first attempts). Obviously, neither of us are comfortable with unprotected sex. I guess I just feel like he never reciprocates the pleasure I give to him. I've never had an orgasm before and though I've tried masturbation, I've felt uncomfortable because I lack privacy at home. I want to tell him how I'm feeling but I don't know how to because I don't want him to feel guilty, and I'd feel awful if I hurt his feelings. Is it something I even should tell him, or am I just being entitled? It's just been on my mind a ton for the past few weeks and I don't know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi v1nca,

You're not being entitled; it's not great when sex centers around one partner's pleasure with the other's being an afterthought (or not brought up at all). I do think it's something you should bring up with your boyfriend, since if you want that dynamic to change you'll need to talk about it. Do you want to talk about how to approach that conversation?

When it comes to condoms, can you ask him ahead of time to make sure he goes and gets some that the two of you can just have on hand in case they're needed? Since he's on a college campus, there may even be places, like a student health center, where he can get them for free.

If you'd like, we can also talk about how to navigate some of those privacy issues at home so you have some space to masturbate if you want to.

[v1nca]

Thank you so much for responding!

I'll definitely have to bring up the condom situation. And as for the masturbation issue I'm just worried because I know the walls in my house are pretty thin and when I'm enjoying myself sexually I tend to have trouble stifling myself. I worry that it might not be something I'm ready for yet either because whenever I've tried masturbating I just don't get very far and I think it's because I'm too nervous.

That aside though, any sort of help I could get about knowing how to bring up the sexual frustration issue would be great. I'm just really afraid that I'll hurt his feelings. I know he means well and I love him a lot. I just don't want him to feel guilty or hurt. I also just don't know when a good time to bring it up to him would be. He's coming home for the weekend so I'm going to get a chance to see him tomorrow, but I don't know if I should say something then, or if I should hold off a little longer.

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

When it comes to masturbation and privacy, you may actually get some help out of this article (if you haven't already read it): https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... rbating_at

You know, he may end up feeling guilty or bad during part of that conversation, but that's not inherently a bad thing. While we don't want our partners feeling constantly guilty, it's a natural response to learning that you've done something that's making your partner feel crummy, and it's something that can be moved past. Does that make sense?

When it comes to having that conversation, the tips in here can help a lot: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. I do think bringing this up sooner rather than later is the way to go, if only so you don't have the thought of the conversation and your worry about it hanging over your head for a long time.

[v1nca]

Sorry I didn't respond to this until now, I just hadn't really found the time till now. Thank you so much for the articles. The "Be a Blabbermouth" one was really helpful and gave me the confidence to talk with him about it. I was able to have the conversation on Saturday, and it went over really well! He was glad I opened up to him about how I was feeling and though he apologized, he didn't seem to feel hurt. I'm really glad I was able to get it off my chest.

[Siân]

I'm so glad you managed to talk to your boyfriend and that the conversation went well! Do you feel like you're pleasure is going to be a thing that the two of you think about when being sexual together in future?

And don't worry, you can reply to us here on whatever schedule works for you, we'll just pick it up whenever you're ready

[v1nca]

Thank you! And I think so!

[Siân]

Great! We're still here if you want to talk through any of this some more, or have more questions in future