Should we break up?

[Luckywolf]

So I've been in dating my boyfriend for around 7 months.

We started out strong and spent time together a few times during the summer, but short texts became our main mode of communication. This year I have been busy with classes and extra curricculars and he's been working long shifts, so we haven't seen much of each other outside of school. He came over recently for a few hours and we just sat together, our conversation was really fragmented, stop and start. I did like just sitting with him, I was tired and I like physical contact like that, but it felt awkward to me that we couldn't hold a conversation. After he left, I really couldn't stop thinking about how maybe I should end our relationship.

This thought has been in the back of my mind for a while and I've read some of your articles on relationships including the "Should I stay or go?" article and I feel like we lack strong communication. I feel like we don't have that much to say to each other anymore. When we're at school we don't talk a lot either. We sit together next to each other at lunch but we mostly talk to the other people. It can take a while for me to say things I'm nervous about, like talking about improving our communication. I wouldn't know where to start in bringing this up with him.

Some side notes. There was an incident at school where some of our friends took something of his and hid it. He was upset, which I understand, but he tried to get his item back by painfully squeeze this guy's hand. Like a chicken contest. Another friend said she was going to give his item back, but because he went straight to violence she wouldn't, that's just been in the back of my head too. On a date really early on told me he'd like "this moment to last forever." I'd been avoiding that word because things always change and I knew I probably wouldn't "spend forever" with the first person I dated. It made me kind of uncomfortable because, he was obviously very into our relationship and I was more cautious/skeptical/realistic. Another thing is that a lot of my friends say they don't understand why we started dating because my boyfriend can quickly, and apparently often, annoys them.

I've been thinking about this for a few days and I'm wondering if I should try work out my concern about our lack of communication together or if I'm just done/don't have time for a relationship right now and should end it.

[Mo]

Hi Luckywolf,

I think that even though it sounds like the idea makes you nervous, talking to him about communication and other worries really is the only way to know if you can get on the same page at all here. If you feel like things have broken down enough that you just can't imagine talking to him about your relationship at all, that may be your sign right there, but if you can I think bringing this up with him would be a good next step.

One thing I want to ask, though, is: what, if anything, are you enjoying about this relationship right now? I can't tell from your post if there are times you're really enjoying being with him, or if things feel stilted and awkward more often than not.

[Luckywolf]

Thanks Mo.

I really enjoyed our dates in the past, including one about a week before school started. We've only hung out one on one that once since school started, and I enjoyed it. I liked just sitting together with him and being quiet and relaxed. Times at school are where it kind of feels stilted.

I don't think communication has broken down so much that I couldn't bring it up. I just don't know where to start. Part of this is that I feel I need privacy for me to open up about this. Privacy for me is being outside while my, or his, parents are inside (not happening in winter) or just very little chance that they'll walk in or overhear us.

[Mo]

A lack of privacy really does make things harder! Are you able to bring some of this up in an email, by phone, or even handing him a letter? That might feel odd, if you're used to talking face to face, but it sounds like starting this conversation is something that's important to do.

[Luckywolf]

I feel like I'd like to have this conversation face to face, but by phone or email might be my second choices.

[Keda]

You can also get a certain amount of privacy by being in public - in a place where no-one knows you and no-one is interested in what you're saying. So maybe you could go for a meal with him, or go to the cinema or somesuch, and talk there?

Or even just let your parents know that you need to have a serious conversation with him, and ask them not to interrupt until you're done?

[Luckywolf]

Thank you for the help Mo, and thank you for the suggestions Keda. I'm going to think about this for a bit and figure out a way to talk with him about it.