Simultaneous gender dysphoria and euphoria???

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Hi all,

For context, I realized I wasn't quite cis at 16, but I just simply decided back then that academics was more important than self discovery so I felt comfortable not understanding my own gender identity. It would be 3 years before I opened that box for realsies and another before I apply the term "genderfluid" to myself (and coin the term "shruggender" to refer to my prior experience). I've always wanted to switch my sex back and forth at will but in lieu of that I presented as whatever I felt like online.

Seeing more trans positivity and discussion helped quite a bit, and I soon was able to identify dysphoria and euphoria. When I felt male, I would sometimes find joy in my... well... yeah, and my wardrobe made me feel handsome, but sometimes feel upset that I'm so feminine in figure and in interest. When I felt female, I felt good about picturing myself in a pretty skirt and being ladylike, but only having pants to wear and not having a... well... that thing, only some resemblance of the two ones up there, made me feel incomplete. And I cannot transition biologically, because whatever I am I'll always have times where I wanna be the other.

Normally they're pretty discrete but recently... I dunno. I wanted an ego boost one time so I put on a suit and tie, the one I wore to prom, and it simultaneously made me feel like it belonged and like it wasn't meant to be. And after that I've had more experiences that were both right and wrong. Sitting to pee. Being called a cute girl. Some stuff around my bits.

I dunno I'm probably being incredibly vague. I don't even know if this is something to ask for help with. You probably have a few questions you'd ask if I were to ask for help. I'd like those questions. Would probably help me make sense of things. I dunno. I'm a potato.

[Sam W]

Hi PotatoTheCatfox,

First off, can I just say that I love the term shruggender? It might be one of the most evocative ways someone's described their gender in a long time.

With those experiences of simultaneous gender euphoria and dysphoria, do you have any sense of whether combining certain elements might dampen the dysphoria end of things? For instance, when you put on that suit, do you think it would have helped to have something feminine (whatever that means to you) as part of your gender expression in that moment as well?

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Hahaha, I'm glad shruggender made ya giggle or something.

Truth be told I'm not sure I have any way of knowing, there's nothing feminine in my wardrobe.

[Sofi]

Would it be possible to buy a few things, even if they're small like accessories? You could go to a thrift shop/used clothing store and get something really cheap so it isn't a big investment and you can experiment with what Sam said. It could even be that you buy some undergarnments that feel feminine to you, and wear them under something like a suit, that helps some people lessen the dysphoria while experiencing the euphoria.

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Funny you mention undergarments because I'm actually enlisting a friend's help to sneak some into my house

Generally I don't have a lot of financial freedom, and if I buy anything my mom's at the door before me as per protocol, though

[Sam W]

I'm glad your friend is helping you get a hold of that! I wonder, do you think you could also enlist friends to get a few other small, "feminine" accessories or items into the house? Too, some people find they can use the random gendering of shampoo, soap, deodorant, and perfume/cologne to their advantage when trying for gender euphoria. Do you think your parents would get suspicious if you switched to a "girly" smelling deodorant or something like that?

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Yeah definitely, especially since she's the one making the soap (new hobby of hers!) and the rest are stuff she bought in bulk and give to me when I need more.

[Sam W]

Dang! I would definitely focus on getting help from friends, then. Too, depending on what your school and home situations are like, you could also stash a few gender affirming items somewhere like a locker or a drawer you know your parents never check, so you can have some kind of access to them without tipping your parents off.

[PotatoTheCatfox]

I mean, I have a drawer at home, but to get something in there it has to pass through the front door. And college is currently online due to a relatively recent surge.

[Sofi]

Gotcha, then I'm glad you have the option of your friend sneaking stuff in, that sounds like the best (and at the moment only) option!

[PotatoTheCatfox]

Yeah, she's moving to Canada later today-