I don't feel like I can do what I want with my body.

[moonlight]

I don't feel like I can do what I want with my body.

My ideals: what I'd like to wear, whether I'd like to shave, etc don't line up with my actions.

For example, I don't like shaving any part of my body. It's not something I want to do. After years of hard work, I am finally comfortable wearing clothing that exposes my unshaven legs. I see it as a choice, not an obligation, and exercise my right not to shave. But when it comes to underarms, it is a different story altogether. I no longer shave my underarms (except when I feel like it). But, I'm not comfortable with others seeing my unshaven underarms.

Back when I shaved them, I didn't have any problem showing them off in tank tops, swimsuits, etc. But since I stopped shaving I make a conscious effort to wear clothes that cover my underarms or to avoid raising my arms above my head if i go swimming or wear a tanktop. I don't want to be doing this things, but I am so afraid of being judged. I know, intellectually, that other people's opinions shouldn't decide my actions, but I can't understand that emotionally. I feel like there is a big stigma with not shaving and I am afraid of what it might do to my career. Is this a worry I should be having? Or am I over-reacting?

Another issue of contention is the fact that I want to wear a hijab sometimes. I am not a muslim, I'm actually an atheist. But I just like the way the hijab looks. I like how it adds a pop of colour or beautiful pattern to an outfit. I like how it is a potentially professional garment that can cover messy hair. As much as I want to feel as free to don a hijab as I do to wear a hat, it is an unfortunately complicated subject.

My parents have strong views about the hijab. They see it as a garment of oppression of women. I really don't want to get into the politics of the hijab. But suffice it to say that while I see their point of view, and certainly think that parts of what they are saying have value, I think that they are thinking too black and white about the whole thing. But nonetheless, I fear their reaction if I chose, on a whim, to wear it would be one of shock and horror. While it would simply be a fashion statement for me, it would be more complicated to them.

And then to society. If I wore a hijab, I am sure that many people would view me a Muslim. (I know that this is generally what I, rightly or wrongly, assume). I don't see anything wrong with being a Muslim, but as I am an atheist I don't want people making the assumption that I am religious. I also don't want to experience prejudice, hatred or people simply treating me differently because I chose to wear a scarf around my head!

For me, it is a scarf, a piece of cloth, a fashion statement. But to many other people it a religious symbol, a political symbol, a sign of being repressed, somehow "unfeminist". I might be put at risk of violence, prejudice. I might offend (or not) people who do wear this as a religious symbol.



I am frustrated that I care so much about what others think about what I wear. I am afraid to show my underarms, I am afraid to cover my head, afraid even to tell people I want to do these things. But there is the reality that people will judge me. And I am a coop student looking for employment. I DO need to make sure my image is professional and reflects me as a person. But first and foremost, my body is mine, I should feel comfortable to raise my arms above my head or wear a scarf upon my head. Yet I don't.

I'd really appreciate some help. Are my fears founded in truth or not?

PS, if anyone has any personal experience with the hijab, or with unshaven underarms in public, I would really appreciate your perspective.

[Sam W]

Hi Moonlight,

There's a few things to touch on here. With the shaving, I think there's a very real trick to doing what you want and feel comfortable with in terms of your body in the face of social pressure to do otherwise. And that can be frustrating. I, and other lady identified people I know, go without shaving regularly (some have given it up completely), and a big part of feeling comfortable with it is owning the choice. If someone doesn't like it, you remind yourself that it's none of their business, and that there is nothing wrong with not shaving. In truth, the folks I know who don't shave don't get many comments on it, but I travel in pretty crunchy granola hippy circles, so YMMV.

The hijab question is a but different. You're right that wearing it may provoke negative reactions from those around you (that is certainly the experience of many Muslim women who wear it). But there's also an issue here of wanting to wear something that is kind of off-limits to you due to culture and religion. I don't really feel qualified to explain the issue (not being Muslim myself), but many Muslim women have written about the issue of non-Muslims wearing hijabs for fashion reasons rather than faith reasons. They feel it is appropriation. Like I said, I don't want to explain it in the place of someone else, but if you'd like I could find you some of the debate/writing I've seen around the issue as food for thought.

[moonlight]

I'd love a few links to read over. I've tried to do some research but mostly I've just come up with people speculating.

[Heather]

This is one good place to start: http://www.aimislam.com/lets-not-appropriate-hijab/

Here's another: http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/09/cul ... opriation/

In a word, it IS a religious garment, one linked to a population of people who face profound prejudice in the western world for both that religion and for expression of it, like wearing the hijab. IMO, a LOT of things can add a pop of color, or look flowing and beautiful -- like plain old scarves, which need not be plain -- without appropriating anyone else's culture or religious symbolism and practice (and in this case, using what is a cultural and religious symbol of a NON-focus on appearances for the opposite, which, intentionally or not, kind of uses the hijab to disrespect where it comes from and what it is for, for most who wear it), you know?

Perhaps, if you were going to go shopping for hijab anyway, what you could instead do is go where you were going to go to find one and talk to the -- almost undoubtedly Muslim -- women who wear them about this? After all, efforts can be made to find out how members of a certain group feel so you have more than speculation or non-Muslims weighing in.

In terms of the armpits, I can weigh in there from a personal standpoint. As soon as I didn't have my mother insisting on it, I stopped getting rid of the hair under mine (with only occasional removals) in the mid 1980s. On the whole, it has never been something that got in the way of employment for me (though I did once have an employer who insisted I wear long-sleeve shirts and pants to hide my body hair in the summer, with no such rule for the male employees, mind you). Is it something I have been judged for? Maybe, but there are so many things that's happened with, including things totally outside my control, that that has just never been anything I felt concerned with or cared about with this. And if lovers are a concern, I can't think of any women or gender nonconforming folks I've been with who ever thought anything of it, and with partners who are men, save a couple exceptions, my experience has been that it's something they like about me. In fact, my partner was pretty bummed I waxed them last summer.

I'd say there really is NOT some giant, universal stigma with this -- especially not worldwide -- so the idea this is something huge in that department is likely unrealistic.

(I'd also say this is something where white women get hyperfocused -- on what to do with body hair and the politics of it -- and I feel like that hyperfocus tends to create unrealistic ideas of what living with your own body hair is really like when you don't surround yourself with people who are weird about such small, personal things like this.)

Like I said, I have waxed them now and then, including last summer, when I thought having hair there might be making the hot flashes I've started having -- good times! -- worse. And it did help a little, but I also felt very strangely naked, odd as that sounds. I found I just didn't feel quite like myself.

That all said, these choices are primarily about how you feel most comfortable. And if how you feel most comfortable is not removing armpit hair, but also keeping your fuzzy pits covered more times than not, there's nothing wrong with that. This is about your comfort and your preferences, and it really is just hair as far as most people are concerned.

[moonlight]

Thank you for the link Heather. I haven't gotten through it yet, but part way through I was reminded of when I did wear a religious covering. I was a nun in a play and so I wore a habit a lot. I liked wearing it and even forgot I was wearing it. I liked[I/] covering my hair and the sense of personal space I got. I even wore it out of the theatre on a quick run for a snack once because I liked it so much. So it's interesting to observe that I was comfortable wearing that, but not another very similar garment. The main reason I was comfortable was because it was a costume and dozens of others also wore habits. The second reason I was more comfortable is that there really wasn't any chance someone would see my habit and think I was a Christian nun. And besides that, I live in a small town where most people are Christian. Lots of people probably assume I am anyway since they see it as "default". (Annoying? Yes. Put me at risk of prejudice? Possibly, but not as likely.)

I think what frustrates me the most about this is I don't feel like I am allowed to cover my head with a scarf. I am familliar with society pushing me to cover up, but not with it pushing me not to do so.

I am at a loss for what to do. The suggestion to go where one might buy a hijab is a good one. I was really just planning to use a scarf, so that hadn't occured to me. It will have to wait until I return to school though, for I know for certain there is nowhere in my very small town where I can do this. (I can count on one hand the number or times I have seem someone in hijab here. And I've live here most of my life).

EDITED TO ADD: Oops, almost forgot! I found a link of a non-Muslim Australian woman who chose to wear the hijab in solidarity with Muslim women who were afraid to leave the house due to prejudice. Not the same situation as mine, but the best food for thought I've been able to find myself.

She says something that really resonates with me: " It feels like reclaiming my body as my own on some level". ( https://catespeaks.wordpress.com/2014/1 ... /#more-742 )

I think that it is ultimately my issue. Whether it is showing unshaven arms, wearing a hijab, or swimming with no top, it is all about how restricted I feel as to what choices I make about my body. And I'm not sure whether to keep on as I have been or do what I want but makes me uncomfortable.

[Heather]

You get that a scarf and a hijab are not the same thing, yes? Like, say, a necklace and a rosary aren't the same, or any robe and Buddhist monastery robes aren't the same?

In other words, I'd be surprised if you are getting cultural messages that say you can't wear a scarf, on your head or otherwise. I'd also add that the messages that say, "Please don't wear hijab, it is an important symbol to me," are not likely coming from people with more power than you, but less, and from cultures where they are really working hard to try and be allowed to have their culture as their culture, with its meaning as intended.

So, really, I'd say that I disagree that what you do with your body hair, and what you do with other people's religious garments -- especially people oppressed in ways you aren't -- really isn't at all the same thing. Your armpit hair is really that: yours. And that is your body. Someone else's cultural and religious iconography and practices aren't your body. Personally, I don't think that doing what we can not to appropriate and to be respectful of other cultures is an oppression. Especially since you still COULD wear one if you wanted: no one would stop you, and you have more power to choose with it than a lot of people who do wear it. It's just about choosing not to out of consideration for others, especially others with fewer freedoms than you yourself probably have, and far more oppressions.

Of course, if this is really just about you wearing a scarf, that isn't hijab. That's a scarf, and so then I get confused about why you'd call it a hijab, particularly when you're clear it is not something that is part of your culture or religious beliefs, and is even something where, if you wore it, you would be upset or annoyed if someone assumed those beliefs and culture were yours. Know what I mean?

[moonlight]

I feel like any scarf I wear on my head will be perceived as a hijab.

Actually I was coming here to clarify what I mean. This probably sounds really ignorant, but: what makes the difference between a scarf on the head and a hijab?

Is it the symbolism that the wearer attaches to it, the particular way it is folded, etc?

[Heather]

It's that the person wearing it intends it as a hijab: that it does, in fact, have, religious or cultural (or both) significance.

So, you say, for instance, you would not want anyone to think you were Muslim wearing it because you are not, but for many people who wear it, that is EXACTLY what wearing it is for, or, similarly, to demonstrate being part of Islamic culture as a whole.

So, that's the difference, that yes, for most who choose to wear it, it is a symbol. It's not just a scarf or a fashion accessory or something they like the look of, but something with a very old historical and cultural significance that is deeply meaningful as someone whose history, culture or religion is linked with it.

You can't control people's perceptions, though. If someone thinks the scarf of your head is a hijab, they think that. And if they're someone whose feelings about this really matter here -- in other words, someone concerned you are appropriating -- then you just say it's just a scarf, and that's sorted. No one is likely to be offended just because you have a scarf on your head. It's calling it hijab, when that's not what it is for you, and even more so, not what you want it to be, that I'd say is where you need to be concerned about (validly) offending others whose culture it is part of.

[Heather]

I think maybe I might have just thought of a comparison that might resonate with you.

Let's say someone gets a tattoo that has a strong anti-sexual assault message. Someone asks them about it, and they say that they don't actually care about sexual abuse or assault -- or even more, that they actually don't want you to think they are anti-assault, because they're not at all against it -- they just thought it looked cool and liked the colors.

That's not the best comparison, because it leaves out some giant cultural issues and disparities with the topic at hand, but maybe that can give you a better idea of how this kind of situation is problematic, and how it might feel for the person who actually cares deeply about the meaning and import of something for many people (people they themselves aren't, no less), rather than just liking how it looks and feels for themselves.

[Snorkmaiden]

I think there are plenty of ways to wear a scarf on your head that do not make it look like you are wearing a hijab. Especially if you leave some hair showing. I found this page that shows a lot of different ways one can wear a head scarf:
http://www.scarves.net/how-to-tie-a-scarf/head-scarves

If I saw you wearing a nun's habit, there would be no doubt in my mind that you were a Christian nun. Religious symbols are just that strong and well-known. If you wear something that has a certain meaning, you can't really blame people for thinking that you mean it that way.

[Atonement]

Hi!

I actually wanted to weigh in on the hijab thing.

I am not a Muslim myself, but my best friend is. After spending the last couple years with her, I completely understand the appeal of it. Interacting with modern Arab-American women who choose to wear it completely removes all perception that they are oppressed. But, like the others have said above, they do face huge amounts of discrimination from other Americans. In fact, I'd go as far to say that in mainstream american culture, muslims are the one group that it's still socially acceptable to be openly racist against, which is absolutely horrible.

I've worn a hijab in private a couple times, once because my friend wanted to see what I'd look like, and once because I went to the mosque with her and I didn't want to be disrespectful (even most muslim women who don't take the hijab in daily life still tend to wear it at the mosque, since you're technically supposed to be covered during prayer).

And I get it: it's beautiful and comfortable. It eliminates the need to style hair, so it makes getting ready a breeze. Like you, I'd love to be able to wear one from time to time, but I really don't think it's ours to have.

I've talked to my friend, and while she loves her hijab, she also sees it as a responsibility. She lives in a very discriminatory part of the country, and in her words "Sometimes because of the hijab, I find myself being a constant representative of Islam. Here, I might be the only muslim some people ever meet, so I feel a lot of pressure to always behave in a way that reflects it well. So, I can never slip up. I can never say something unkind when I'm having a bad day, or be inconsiderate in any way, because people won't say "gosh, that girl was rude." or "She's having a bad day." Instead, they'll say, "This is why I hate muslims.", and their horrible attitudes will be reinforced."

Recently I met a girl in my friend's group of muslim friends that had recently converted. She was a white american girl who fell in love with the religion, and they welcomed her with open arms. However, she did not take the hijab until probably a couple months after her conversion, and that was a HUGE deal among her new community. They were all very proud and excited for her. But, because it IS such a big, special thing, I really don't think they'd like it if someone like me (who has a lot of love and respect for the culture, but no intention of converting) would start wearing one around in everyday life.

Another thing- another part of this post pertained to becoming comfortable exposing underarm hair, something that I totally support. But that being said, if you were to wear a hijab with something strappy that exposed your shoulders or chest, this would definitely be perceived as super disrespectful by most muslims.

[Demigoddess]

Sometimes I struggle with a lot of the issues, too! It's hard to stand up in the face of judgement sometimes, but especially when it comes to parents! I feel like, if it weren't for my parents, I could feel comfortable making my own decisions about shaving and other appearance-related things, but as-is, I just can't stand dealing with that kind of shame coming from those who raised me. It's almost as if I feel like I owe it to them to live up to their expectations; it's the same reason I feel like I can't have open discussions with my parents about my sex life.

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with parental judgement?