Why do I feel hardly any pleasure?

[tulipgardener77]

I'm 23, a cis woman and most of the time, I feel little to mild sexual pleasure with other people, and little to no sexual pleasure with masturbation, and even rarer, a mild amount or a lot of pleasure. I feel the most pleasure in my dreams, but that is very rare, a few times a year at most. I used to experience a lot of pleasure from 5 'til 12 just by looking at people I found to be attractive.

I'm not sure if I have ever orgasmed and I don't care but a lot of info I look at says to do what feels good and not to worry about orgasm, but I don't worry about orgasm but it often doesn't feel good or just feels a bit good and then it goes away, or they act like non orgasmic sexual pleasure doesn't exist and that you must be having horrible sex without an orgasm and that having an orgasm is the goal, which I don't agree with at all.

I see a sex therapist, physiotherapist, have told my GP about it, tapering off of my medications(am soon to be completely off of them, although I had these issues before I went on meds), have tried masturbating every day, sex toys that vibrate, sex toys that don't, suction toys, clitoral, vaginal, nipple and anal stimulation, different types of sex and different sex positions(with others and with masturbation). I also rarely feel aroused anymore but used to feel aroused almost constantly until I turned 18. I only occasionally get very aroused during sexual interaction with other people, rarely randomly or from people I'm attracted to or porn.

[Sofi]

Hi tulipgardener77, welcome to the boards!
It's normal for people's arousal levels and even pleasure levels during sex or masturbation to change due to things like stress, medication, and many other factors. I know you mentioned getting off your medications and trying different toys and types of sex, so I'm sure you've tried what I'm going to suggest: new types of sexual media or fantasies to get you aroused before and/or during sex/masturbation. Also, is it possible that there's other stuff on your mind at those times that could be causing stress, anxiety, or just putting pressure on you? Sometimes we don't even realize we're doing this, and it can really get in the way of everything.
I'm glad you're not putting all the pressure on orgasm, you're absolutely right that "sex without an orgasm is bad sex" is not a good way to look at it (and wildly inaccurate). I want to share an article from our site here that has a lot of helpful info, does any of it resonate with you?: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

[tulipgardener77]

Thanks for the reply. I used to have depression and anxiety but not anymore, so I don't think it's that. I think I have read that article before but I could read it again.

[Sam W]

Hi tulipgardener77,

I notice you mentioned you were seeing a sex therapist; have the two of you come up with different ways of approaching these struggles with arousal? Have any of them produced results?

[tulipgardener77]

Unfortunately, my sex therapist's advice hasn't helped.

[Sam W]

How frustrating! Have the two of you discussed why that might be and what alternative approaches you could look into?

[tulipgardener77]

No, she hasn't.

[Sam W]

Okay, how do you feel about bringing that idea up the next time you talk with her?

[tulipgardener77]

She is unsure what the issue could be.

[Sofi]

Got it. Did she give you any suggestions or advice that has helped? And did the article from the first post have any helpful info or anything that resonated with your situation?

[tulipgardener77]

No, they didnt. I heard that OB/GYNs know more than sex therapists so I'm going to see one.

[Elise]

Hi tulipgardener77, I hope the visit to the OB/GYN sheds some light. One thing to note is that "knows more" is more of a topic thing. OB/GYNs know a lot about the physical and medical parts of things, so they will be able to examine and help you with if there are any physiological issues etc. causing this issue, however in terms of the psychological elements of sexual response, that is more the sex therapist's area of expertise. Depending on what methodologies the therapist uses, it may also be worthwhile trying someone else who specialises in the issues you are experiencing, or has some different methods, if the OB/GYN finds no physical difference for your arousal.

How long were you seeing the sex therapist for? Also, have you ever been introduced to the dual control model of sexual response? This model explains how in addition to "turn ons" there are also "turn offs", and like how a car with the breaks on won't go anywhere even if you floor the accelerator, arousal will have difficulty activating if a lot of turn offs (which can be stress, for example). There is a great comic about it here: Science of Desire by Dr. Emily Nagoski & R.Stevens, and you can read more about it in Dr. Nagoski's book "Come as You Are", which you can borrow as an eBook with a Melbourne Library Service e membership from anywhere in Australia: Library Record.