My sister told my mom that I am a lesbian. Please help!

[shypixie]

This happened two months ago. I heard my sister having a conversation with my mom. She told her that I am a lesbian. I'm really really scared and angry and depressed about it. I don't know how my sister found out.

I don't know what to do? My mom hasn't said anything to me about it. But I'm afraid. Because my whole family is Christian and they are always saying homophobic and transphobic things.

And honestly I am still questioning my sexuality. I'm not sure at all about who I am attracted to. I'm really confused all the time.

Please I need advice...what should I do?

[Sam W]

Hi Shypixie,

I'm so sorry your sister has created this situation, and that you're living in a space where you know you don't have the freedom to safely explore those questions you have about your sexual orientation.

Has anyone's behavior towards you changed since you overheard that conversation? And do you have a relationship with your sister where you could address this with her directly?

[shypixie]

Hi Shypixie,

I'm so sorry your sister has created this situation, and that you're living in a space where you know you don't have the freedom to safely explore those questions you have about your sexual orientation.

Has anyone's behavior towards you changed since you overheard that conversation? And do you have a relationship with your sister where you could address this with her directly?

My twin sister won't talk to me anymore and my older sister is always angry at me. I'm really scared and afraid of my older sister because she hates lgbt people. I have no one to talk to about this. I have no friends online and I have no friends in real life. I feel alone hopeless and depressed. I hate myself. I am afraid. Please help.

[Sam W]

I'm so sorry that your sisters are not only unsupportive but, in at least one case, actively hostile towards you. When you combine that with how isolated it sounds like you are, I completely understand how you're feeling so low. I have a few different suggestions about how to address this that I'm going to lay out, and you can kind of pick and choose which ones we talk about right now, okay?

You mention that you feel pretty scared right now. Is that fear tied to something that's already happening, or is it more things you're afraid might happen?

Would you feel safe talking to your mom directly and saying something like, "I overheard sister telling you I'm a lesbian. I don't know where she got that idea but it's not true." Importantly, would you feel able to have that conversation even though you ARE in the process of questioning your sexuality? I try not advocate lying, but when your family creates an environment where it's not safe for you to be out as LGBT or even explore that as an option, you have to do what you can to keep yourself safe.

I think it would also help you a lot to find some supports outside your family. Do you want to talk about how to find those spaces, and hopefully some friends, offline and online? And with those really negative feelings towards yourself, do they come from a certain source or focus on a certain part of you?

[shypixie]

I'm so sorry that your sisters are not only unsupportive but, in at least one case, actively hostile towards you. When you combine that with how isolated it sounds like you are, I completely understand how you're feeling so low. I have a few different suggestions about how to address this that I'm going to lay out, and you can kind of pick and choose which ones we talk about right now, okay?

You mention that you feel pretty scared right now. Is that fear tied to something that's already happening, or is it more things you're afraid might happen?

Would you feel safe talking to your mom directly and saying something like, "I overheard sister telling you I'm a lesbian. I don't know where she got that idea but it's not true." Importantly, would you feel able to have that conversation even though you ARE in the process of questioning your sexuality? I try not advocate lying, but when your family creates an environment where it's not safe for you to be out as LGBT or even explore that as an option, you have to do what you can to keep yourself safe.

I think it would also help you a lot to find some supports outside your family. Do you want to talk about how to find those spaces, and hopefully some friends, offline and online? And with those really negative feelings towards yourself, do they come from a certain source or focus on a certain part of you?

Hi

I'm more afraid of what might happen in the future.

Yes I would feel okay to talk to my mom about the situation.

Yes I would like to talk about where I could make friends.

I just hate myself because I feel different and like a total outsider. I feel horrible because I might not be straight and because I feel that I am ugly and I feel horrible about my body too. I was bullied a lot in the past too.

[Sofi]

Hi shypixie, have you had a chance to talk to your mom about it?
Regarding making friends, there are some great online spaces for queer folks we can suggest, is that something you're interested in? In person, a good way to make friends is with something in common - you can join a club or group of something you like, such as a hobby, sport, or anything really! You can use sites like Meetup, for example, to find such groups.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about your identity, I promise you are normal and worthy regardless of your orientation. It's hard to let go of past pain from bullying, so it's understandable that you're feeling this way, but would it be possible to work on some self love so you can accept yourself and see your value regardless of what anyone says? For now, I'm going to link some super helpful articles on our site, please give them a read and let us know what resonated with you or if you have any questions about any of it:
Q is for Questioning
The Answers (for Now)
Straight, Gay and Everything in Between: On Sexual Fluidity

[shypixie]

Hi shypixie, have you had a chance to talk to your mom about it?
Regarding making friends, there are some great online spaces for queer folks we can suggest, is that something you're interested in? In person, a good way to make friends is with something in common - you can join a club or group of something you like, such as a hobby, sport, or anything really! You can use sites like Meetup, for example, to find such groups.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about your identity, I promise you are normal and worthy regardless of your orientation. It's hard to let go of past pain from bullying, so it's understandable that you're feeling this way, but would it be possible to work on some self love so you can accept yourself and see your value regardless of what anyone says? For now, I'm going to link some super helpful articles on our site, please give them a read and let us know what resonated with you or if you have any questions about any of it:
Q is for Questioning
The Answers (for Now)
Straight, Gay and Everything in Between: On Sexual Fluidity

I haven't talked to my mom yet. But I plan on talking to my mom tonight.

I am interested in finding out about online places I can make friends. Also I will check out the meetup site too!

Thank you for recommending me the articles I will read them today.

[Carly]

Hey shypixie -- I'm so sorry your sister outted you to your mom without your consent. I agree that talking with your mom sounds like an important thing to do. If you see this in time, you may want to check out Becoming Out: a totally non-exhaustive, step by step guide to coming out for some tips about preparation and aftercare for having a tough conversation about sexuality. I think the "What Happens Next?" section would be the most relevant to you. I also want to link you to Trans Summer School: When Things Go Wrong - though this article is geared more towards those who are exploring their gender in new ways, coming out as transgender, or transitioning I think there's some good stuff here about when you're concerned about the consequences of coming out in a potentially dangerous or unwelcoming environment. I hope these help a little - good luck tonight with your mom!

As for finding places online where you can meet friends, I agree with Sofi - it's a great idea to first look at your hobbies and interests and see if there are any groups or communities you can be a part of. A lot of cities also have city specific groups on Facebook or other platforms exclusively for LGBTQ+ people. I've seen them usually in the format of "(city) Queer Exchange."

[shypixie]

Hey shypixie -- I'm so sorry your sister outted you to your mom without your consent. I agree that talking with your mom sounds like an important thing to do. If you see this in time, you may want to check out Becoming Out: a totally non-exhaustive, step by step guide to coming out for some tips about preparation and aftercare for having a tough conversation about sexuality. I think the "What Happens Next?" section would be the most relevant to you. I also want to link you to Trans Summer School: When Things Go Wrong - though this article is geared more towards those who are exploring their gender in new ways, coming out as transgender, or transitioning I think there's some good stuff here about when you're concerned about the consequences of coming out in a potentially dangerous or unwelcoming environment. I hope these help a little - good luck tonight with your mom!

As for finding places online where you can meet friends, I agree with Sofi - it's a great idea to first look at your hobbies and interests and see if there are any groups or communities you can be a part of. A lot of cities also have city specific groups on Facebook or other platforms exclusively for LGBTQ+ people. I've seen them usually in the format of "(city) Queer Exchange."

Thanks you so much.

I have questions.

I am not sure but I think I might be bisexual or biromantic.

What's the difference between bisexual and biromantic? How can I know my sexuality for sure?

I always have crushes on female singers and male kpop idols. I have fantasies about women and men. I have never kissed anyone or dated anyone. I am really confused.

[Sam W]

Hi shypixie,

So, the difference between those terms comes from people differentiating between romantic and sexual attraction. For some people, that's a really noticeable difference in how they experience desire, but for others it's a small to negligible one. So, that's why you'll see those two terms pop up.

From what you're describing it, it sounds like you experience attraction to multiple genders. That certainly falls under the definition of bisexual, but it can also be described through labels like pansexual or queer. When you look at those labels, does any given one feel right to you? If not, what makes it feel like none of them apply to you?

It's tricky, because ultimately you're the expert on your sexuality, and coming to understand it is a process you have to go through internally. There's also the fact that some people have a very strong sense of their sexual orientation that doesn't change throughout their lives, while others experience a lot of fluidity. The way I often encourage people to think out it is that we can't predict the future, and that the way we describe our sexual orientation is based on the best information we have about ourselves at the time. Sometimes that information changes as we go through life and the way we label our orientation changes with it. That doesn't mean we were "wrong" when we used the previous label; it just means we've learned something new about ourselves. Does that make sense?

[shypixie]

Hi shypixie,

So, the difference between those terms comes from people differentiating between romantic and sexual attraction. For some people, that's a really noticeable difference in how they experience desire, but for others it's a small to negligible one. So, that's why you'll see those two terms pop up.

From what you're describing it, it sounds like you experience attraction to multiple genders. That certainly falls under the definition of bisexual, but it can also be described through labels like pansexual or queer. When you look at those labels, does any given one feel right to you? If not, what makes it feel like none of them apply to you?

It's tricky, because ultimately you're the expert on your sexuality, and coming to understand it is a process you have to go through internally. There's also the fact that some people have a very strong sense of their sexual orientation that doesn't change throughout their lives, while others experience a lot of fluidity. The way I often encourage people to think out it is that we can't predict the future, and that the way we describe our sexual orientation is based on the best information we have about ourselves at the time. Sometimes that information changes as we go through life and the way we label our orientation changes with it. That doesn't mean we were "wrong" when we used the previous label; it just means we've learned something new about ourselves. Does that make sense?

I am not sure which labels feel right to me. I think maybe bisexual or pansexual.
Are pansexuals attracted to nonbinary people? I used to be friends online with a nonbinary person. And I've never met any transgender person. So I'm not sure..... Could I still call myself pansexual if felt that way? I think I have attraction to women because I think about things like kissing and sex with women. And I think about kissing and sex with men but I'm not sure if I'm attracted to men romantically. I am not sure. What's the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and crushes?
Sorry if I'm asking too many questions.

[Emily N]

It’s more than fine not to know which label feels right! Like Sam said, our sexualities aren’t finite and unchangeable - as we go through life, we can decide which label feels better for us at the time (if any label). In deciphering what pansexual and bisexual mean, this article is great - “What’s This Bisexual/Pansexual Thing About, Anyway?” It mentions that “anything involving attraction to more than one gender to be under the umbrella of bisexuality”, and that pansexuality can sometimes be used when “gender doesn’t factor into their attraction”. In short, both bi and pansexual people can be attracted to people of all/no genders. You can also use both bi and pansexual, or multiple labels to describe yourself if it feels right.

Sexual attraction describes having sexual desire for another person (however you define sex). Romantic attraction describes feelings of love or connection that sometimes involve dates, intimate conversations, really however you want to define romantic. This article gives a bit more detail - "Friends or Lovers? The Complexities of Queer Love"

[shypixie]

It’s more than fine not to know which label feels right! Like Sam said, our sexualities aren’t finite and unchangeable - as we go through life, we can decide which label feels better for us at the time (if any label). In deciphering what pansexual and bisexual mean, this article is great - “What’s This Bisexual/Pansexual Thing About, Anyway?” It mentions that “anything involving attraction to more than one gender to be under the umbrella of bisexuality”, and that pansexuality can sometimes be used when “gender doesn’t factor into their attraction”. In short, both bi and pansexual people can be attracted to people of all/no genders. You can also use both bi and pansexual, or multiple labels to describe yourself if it feels right.

Sexual attraction describes having sexual desire for another person (however you define sex). Romantic attraction describes feelings of love or connection that sometimes involve dates, intimate conversations, really however you want to define romantic. This article gives a bit more detail - "Friends or Lovers? The Complexities of Queer Love"

Thank you so much. I talked to my mom about the situation. She said she doesn't remember my older sister telling her anything bad about me. But I'm afraid because my older sister is bullying me. She always makes mean comments about the lgbt community. I'm feeling sad and anxious all the time.

[Sam W]

Hi shypixie,

It really sucks that your sister has a pattern of bullying you, and that you end up feeling sad and anxious as a result. Have you told anyone else about her behavior? Does she doe it where other people can see or hear it or just when the two of you are alone?

I also want to give you this advice column, because I think some of the advice in here about getting through the day with a homophobic sibling could be helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship

[shypixie]

Hi shypixie,

It really sucks that your sister has a pattern of bullying you, and that you end up feeling sad and anxious as a result. Have you told anyone else about her behavior? Does she doe it where other people can see or hear it or just when the two of you are alone?

I also want to give you this advice column, because I think some of the advice in here about getting through the day with a homophobic sibling could be helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship

I haven't told anyone about this. My sister bullies me whenever my mom leaves the room and when she's not home. Thank you for your help! I will read the article soon. Also sorry for replying late.

[Elise]

Hi there shypixie, I hope the article is helpful to you, and there is no need to apologies for the timing of your reply, we understand everyone has their own schedules, time it takes to consider our responses, and windows of time where they feel they can access our services safely.

I'm sorry to hear that your sister so persistently bullies you, and from reading your past posts, it sounds like this has been going on for a number of years. Is there someone in your life you can feel you can talk to this about, be they a friend, trusted doctor, counselor or similar? You are of course welcome (and encouraged) to keep talking to us here too, just having someone in our lives, who has some level of physical nearness/connection with us can assist with feeling safe.

This point is also covered and expanded on, along with lots of other resources and ideas in the article. If you feel comfortable sharing them with us, what are your thoughts on the article and the ideas within it? Are there some that feel like they'd work for you? Other's that you'd like to do but see a barrier to being able to (we could help with brainstorming options to overcome this).

Also may I ask if moving out of home is something that you'd like to do? If so, we're also able to assist with discussing how you could address/plan to address any of the barriers to this that you're currently facing.

[shypixie]

Hi there shypixie, I hope the article is helpful to you, and there is no need to apologies for the timing of your reply, we understand everyone has their own schedules, time it takes to consider our responses, and windows of time where they feel they can access our services safely.

I'm sorry to hear that your sister so persistently bullies you, and from reading your past posts, it sounds like this has been going on for a number of years. Is there someone in your life you can feel you can talk to this about, be they a friend, trusted doctor, counselor or similar? You are of course welcome (and encouraged) to keep talking to us here too, just having someone in our lives, who has some level of physical nearness/connection with us can assist with feeling safe.

This point is also covered and expanded on, along with lots of other resources and ideas in the article. If you feel comfortable sharing them with us, what are your thoughts on the article and the ideas within it? Are there some that feel like they'd work for you? Other's that you'd like to do but see a barrier to being able to (we could help with brainstorming options to overcome this).

Also may I ask if moving out of home is something that you'd like to do? If so, we're also able to assist with discussing how you could address/plan to address any of the barriers to this that you're currently facing.

I think the article is very helpful. I like the options to finding outlets for my emotions, becoming busy with hobbies, school, exercise, and creating a safety plan.

I'm afraid to talk to my sister. Because I'm afraid she will bully me more. It makes me uncomfortable to talk to her.

Do you have any suggestions for venting my emotions?

What hobbies could I start doing to distract myself?

My mom has been wanting me to start taking college classes online for a while now. But I haven't yet because it's expensive and I am not sure what schools to go to and I'm not sure what I want to major in.

How can I create a safety plan?

I am not able to move out of the house. Because I don't know how to drive and I don't have a car and I don't have a job.

I have depression and anxiety and I struggle with socializing with other people.

I don't have any friends.

[Carly]

Hey shypixie -- You live with your sister, right? Those situations can be very complicated, here's how you can make a safety plan in that situation. It focuses more about feeling safe even if actually leaving is difficult. I also do not know how to drive or have a car, and I understand how much that complicates things - both logistically and emotionally. Do you have any public transportation in your area, like buses?

I think taking college classes online is a great idea, actually! It might give you something to focus on or distract you. You might even find that you're really interested in something you're studying and find a new hobby! It's ok if you don't know what you want to major in, "general education" type courses are offered in a variety of topics. Is there a community college that offers online courses near you? Generally those courses are much cheaper than a 4-year university and they may even offer programs that will give you job-specific training and education. If you do decide a major and want to go to a university for it, often times those classes you take at a community college will transfer and help you get your degree a little quicker and cheaper (but you have to check, that may not be the case everywhere).

Considering everything you've told us, here are my suggestions for hobbies that could help you sort through emotions that can be done at home: journaling, reading, drawing, painting, playing a video game (my fave is The Sims!), gardening/tending houseplants, keeping an aquarium, collaging, cooking or baking. Does any of that sound fun or something you'd like to try? Do you do any of this already?

[shypixie]

Hey shypixie -- You live with your sister, right? Those situations can be very complicated, here's how you can make a safety plan in that situation. It focuses more about feeling safe even if actually leaving is difficult. I also do not know how to drive or have a car, and I understand how much that complicates things - both logistically and emotionally. Do you have any public transportation in your area, like buses?

I think taking college classes online is a great idea, actually! It might give you something to focus on or distract you. You might even find that you're really interested in something you're studying and find a new hobby! It's ok if you don't know what you want to major in, "general education" type courses are offered in a variety of topics. Is there a community college that offers online courses near you? Generally those courses are much cheaper than a 4-year university and they may even offer programs that will give you job-specific training and education. If you do decide a major and want to go to a university for it, often times those classes you take at a community college will transfer and help you get your degree a little quicker and cheaper (but you have to check, that may not be the case everywhere).

Considering everything you've told us, here are my suggestions for hobbies that could help you sort through emotions that can be done at home: journaling, reading, drawing, painting, playing a video game (my fave is The Sims!), gardening/tending houseplants, keeping an aquarium, collaging, cooking or baking. Does any of that sound fun or something you'd like to try? Do you do any of this already?

Hi sorry again for replying so late. I have been feeling depressed and struggling with self harm urges.

I'm not sure if there is public transportation where I am. I live in a small town.

There are community colleges but I am not sure if they offer online courses.

I really love reading books and drawing!

I would like to try painting, playing video games, journaling.

I have questions.

Do you know any ways to keep a journal private?

What is collaging?

I would like to try taking care of houseplants or keeping an aquarium.

Do you think it would be a good idea to get a pet?

[Oynx]

hi shypixie.
Trust me I know how that feels. My parents try to pretend they are supportive but are really homophobic. They make homophobic comments and then say you can talk to us about this and then continue to make those comments. I also live in a small town and have no public transportation. My only relief is talking on this site and going to school. The only difference is I have some friends and I am only 15. I get things like this can be really hard and how you feel like just giving up and saying this world would be better off without me. But there is always someone out there who would miss you and feel like a beautiful light was snuffed out. I think that a pet would be nice to help you in this situation and journaling. I would definitely recommend it. It is one of the things that kept me going when I want to harm myself. Where I keep my journal is between the bed-spring and the mattress. It's not the best place but it is a good starter hiding spot. House plants are also a really good substitute for a pet until you can get one but I think a pet would help you more. Do you think your parents would allow this?
Also if you can you should definitely try to move out of that toxic environment as fast as you possibly can.

[Andy]

Hi!
I'm so sorry you're both in such hard, unfair and painful situations, hope things get better as soon as possible for you!
I hope it's okay if I add my idea on hiding a journal, keeping mine in bed was actually how it was discovered, but I wasn't so clever and had it only in my pillow and my parents were purposefully searching for it. And now I keep things I don't want them to see in my schoolbag in a fake math textbook cover (to keep away other students as well), so I have it with me most of the day and noone check my things at night

[Carly]

I think these are great suggestions on how to keep a journal private, everyone! I hope these are helpful ideas for you, shypixie. To answer your other questions --

If you're curious about public transportation in your area or if community colleges offer online courses, that information could probably be found online pretty easily. Might be worth the time to take a look!

Collaging is taking materials - often paper - and cutting pieces to glue them together in a larger picture. I often collage using pictures I find in magazines. I like it because it only requires a few items to do and it's relaxing.

I think taking care of pets is a great hobby, but it's important to to assess whether or not you can take care of the animal before you buy or adopt it. Consider costs like the animal itself, food, toys, care items, and medical care. Often cats and dogs, though very popular pets, are quite expensive. Maybe something smaller like a rabbit, Guinea pig, or a hamsters could be a good place to start? It sounds like you might have to ask your parents about this before you do it.