Hi there,
I'm a 22 year old bisexual male, and all my life until last year, I only masturbated to lesbian porn, and over the years started imagining myself as one of the girls (since all I heard was 'porn isn't real, so enjoy your fantasies', not knowing it would bite me back when having actual sex). Since switching to heterosexual porn this year, I've been imagining myself as the girl in porn (instead of the guy), and now that's the primary thing that arouses me. I have a girlfriend, but I'm rarely hard during sex, so we try other things to have some fun however we can. She is patient with my issue, and I want to overcome it. This is obviously causing me stress, and even making me question my gender, despite not questioning it at all in non-sexual contexts. I've read in the following links that I could change my fantasies during masturbation by initially arousing myself with the older fantasies, then switching and finishing to the newer fantasies.
1. https://www.stuff.co.nz/life-style/love ... -salisbury
2. https://starkraving.medium.com/can-we-c ... 57595b3634
Do you have any tips/suggestions?
Developing new fantasy
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Sam W
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Re: Developing new fantasy
Hi siyer,
It's certainly possible to phase out old fantasies and replace them with new ones. However, because this feels like a high-stakes thing for you, starting with the old ones and then shifting to the new ones strikes me as high risk, because you could end up getting frustrated if the new fantasies don't seem to be working or put pressure on yourself to switch the new ones before you're really into them (both of which are things that kill arousal and pleasure). Instead, I'd recommend taking time to just explore what other things turn you on and find ways to incorporate those into sex and masturbation. You can read how to do that here: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.
Too, I wonder if there's a way to work with your current fantasies, rather than trying to just get rid of them. For instance, are there specific things that led you to imagine yourself as the girl in straight porn? What does being "the girl" even look like in your mind (does it mean being the receptive partner during intercourse? Acting or dressing a certain way)? Are there things about it that turn you on that could possible be incorporated into partnered sex?
It's certainly possible to phase out old fantasies and replace them with new ones. However, because this feels like a high-stakes thing for you, starting with the old ones and then shifting to the new ones strikes me as high risk, because you could end up getting frustrated if the new fantasies don't seem to be working or put pressure on yourself to switch the new ones before you're really into them (both of which are things that kill arousal and pleasure). Instead, I'd recommend taking time to just explore what other things turn you on and find ways to incorporate those into sex and masturbation. You can read how to do that here: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.
Too, I wonder if there's a way to work with your current fantasies, rather than trying to just get rid of them. For instance, are there specific things that led you to imagine yourself as the girl in straight porn? What does being "the girl" even look like in your mind (does it mean being the receptive partner during intercourse? Acting or dressing a certain way)? Are there things about it that turn you on that could possible be incorporated into partnered sex?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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siyer
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Re: Developing new fantasy
Thank you. Appreciate the response. What made me relate to girls was the physical positioning of prone masturbation that I'd been performing unknowingly for 10 years (link removed), and having gynecomastia. I've started masturbating the 'common' way, surgically reduced my gyne last year, my sex life is improving, and I'm now able to fantasize about being the guy too. Staying away from porn and being intimate with my girlfriend helped.
I know I can still get turned on imagining myself as the woman in porn, and this worries me. This worry has also seeped into every day things, like I start to wonder if I'm walking, shaped, etc. 'like a woman', so in some ways my worries have morphed and worsened. I'm seeking a therapist, but I thought it would be helpful to update here regardless, in case anyone else feels the same way, or if you had anything to add. Thank you for your help. I'll message again if I face a new problem.
I know I can still get turned on imagining myself as the woman in porn, and this worries me. This worry has also seeped into every day things, like I start to wonder if I'm walking, shaped, etc. 'like a woman', so in some ways my worries have morphed and worsened. I'm seeking a therapist, but I thought it would be helpful to update here regardless, in case anyone else feels the same way, or if you had anything to add. Thank you for your help. I'll message again if I face a new problem.
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: Developing new fantasy
I'm glad to here things are improving on some fronts! And seeking out a therapist to help you with the places where these feelings are causing you distress is a sound choice.
I think it may also help to start breaking down or examining the ideas you have about gender; for instance, there aren't really feminine or masculine ways of masturbating, just like there is no set way that a woman (or man, or person of any gender) walks or is shaped. Human bodies and genders are much more expansive than that, you know?
I think it may also help to start breaking down or examining the ideas you have about gender; for instance, there aren't really feminine or masculine ways of masturbating, just like there is no set way that a woman (or man, or person of any gender) walks or is shaped. Human bodies and genders are much more expansive than that, you know?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.