Understanding abuse

[Hyacinth222]

Hey Emily N ,
Thank you for your explanation it was were helpful . So in my case it was not an abusive behaviour I guess.

I have seen my times when people fight they stop talking to eachother and after some time they make up. I told not talking to someone you had a fight with is a general human reaction . I know communication is important but when you are sad/ hurt / mad you definitely don't want to talk to the same person you had a fight with .

Can you please give me an example like in which situation silent treatment becomes abusive

[Sam W]

You're right that, often, taking time to cool off or reset after a fight with someone is a sound call, or just something that most people need before they can re-engage with that person.

As we've talked about before, abuse is as much about patterns of behavior than it is about single instances (thought those can be abusive as well). I think it can help to think of the silent treatment as being more likely to be part of a pattern of abuse when it's manipulative; for example, if someone gives their partner the silent treatment any time that partner says "no" to sex and refuses to speak to them until they relent and say yes, even if they don't actually want to. Does that make sense?

[Hyacinth222]

Okay I understood. So in my cases it was not abusive ?

[Sam W]

I would say so. Like Emily said, asking yourself whether the silence is motivated by a need for space or time instead of the desire to hurt or manipulate is a good way of checking in with yourself.

[Hyacinth222]

Another thing I saw is that name calling is also a kind of abuse . What does name calling mean ? Can you please give me an example?
Sometimes I also say that "how stupid are you?"or" don't be a jerk " . Are those name calling?

[Sam W]

Again, I think it helps to think of abuse as being about patterns and recurring behaviors. If someone is constantly calling another person names (particularly ones that are very emotionally loaded or are slurs) or insulting them, that can be part of a pattern of abuse (and even if it isn't, that person is being incredibly crappy and toxic).

Insults and name calling can also be part of abuse if, like the silent treatment, they're used to control or manipulate the other person. So, calling someone a gendered slur anytime they set a boundary (so that they'll stop setting it to avoid being called names) is abusive in a way saying "don't be a jerk" to someone isn't.

[Hyacinth222]

Okay I got it thanks

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

[Hyacinth222]

I just don't know why I feel like this . I never intentionally try to hurt the feelings of my loved . I get into this really obsessive overthinking phase that I always think the worst. I just don't know how to stop it . This thing is really bothering me.
Thank you for having so much patience with me .

[Sam W]

You're very welcome. We may have touched on this before, but have you ever spoken to a mental healthcare provider? Sometimes, getting into these obsessive loops where you think you're being awful in some way can be a sign of an underlying issue. Getting that addressed may help you manage these feelings when they come up.

[Hyacinth222]

No I haven't spoken to anyone about this actually. What should I do in this situation?

[Sam W]

Do you want to talk about how to find a mental healthcare provider to talk with? That's certainly a process we can get you started on.

[Hyacinth222]

Yes of course

[Sam W]

Okay!

To start, can you take a look at the screening process section of this article: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy? Are there any steps in there (insurance, travel, etc) that you think might be barriers to getting care? And when you search "therapists in (your city)" does it bring up a lot of options?