Sexual health, being sexual without being horny

[nisse_02]

Hi! Since November 2021 I’ve barely been horny or felt aroused; even thought I’ve been trying to play with myself, I just feel numb and it doesn’t feel as good anymore. It’s like my body doesn’t react to pleasures or get aroused until I am close to finish or actually finish. It’s frustrating me cause me and my partner have had sex during this time and before 2021, it felt good before but now it’s like I’m just doing it just cause. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel good during sex but I don’t get horny even though I still enjoying having sex? I get wet and I can finish but as I said, I don’t feel horny.

It’s very weird and frustrating to me. I tried not to be hard in myself on this topic because I went thru a lot of family stress and trauma all last year, but this year has been fine and I’m feeling better mentally. I guess it’s my body’s respond to all the stress, but it’s been almost half a year now and I still can’t get horny, but I still enjoy having sex at the same time. I don’t know how that works and hopefully I explained it good enough for you to understand me since I know it’s a little bit confusing.

I look forward to your responses!

[Sam W]

Hi nisse_02,

That does sound frustrating! I think you're right that trauma and stress you went through was, and is, playing a big role here. Even if the big stressors are behind you, trauma can often have ripple effects we don't anticipate, which may be why you're still feeling this way. Too, sometimes even more general, day to day stress can really sap someone's sex drive, so that could be at play as well.

What would be the most helpful direction we could take this conversation? For instance, do you want to talk about ways to maybe reconnect with and rekindle your libido? Or about how to navigate the situation as it is while you figure out next steps? Something else?

[nisse_02]

Hello, yes I was probably a little bit unclear there, but I want to know how to reconnect and get a “normal” or at least the same libido as I had before.

I’m usually not that stressed these days except the stress I can feel from the sport I’m doing. I’m training martial arts and are training almost everyday since I’m starting to be in competitions now. Does also the amount of training and the stress I put on my body have something to do with my libido as well? I train 5-6 times a day and I’ve been doing that for months.

[Sam W]

Wow, that sounds like some intense training! It's possible it is interacting with your libido in some way; if you're directing a ton of physical and mental energy towards getting ready to compete, that might not leave much to direct towards things like desire.

I'm going to give you a few resources for reconnecting with your libido. I really like the advice in this one because it offers multiple things to try: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms. This one may also be helpful, because the letter writer is describing a very similar situation to the one you're going through: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ven_off_to