when should I be concerned about my fantasies?

[electricswitch]

ive always had an interest in stuff like domination and sadism, and recently my fantasies about these things have been a bit more extreme than id like them to be. it used to be normal stuff you'd find in any bdsm scene (spanking, whips stuff like that) but recently its evolved to stuff like cutting and even stabbing in some extremes. obviously this is concerning for me, and I want to know if this is something I need to suppress or work through before even considering again. I mean, obviously I would never hurt someone in real life, but I do enjoy the idea of it in fantasy, especially if the other party in said fantasy is enjoying it too. its probably the taboo of it or something. but does this mean I need to take a step back from sadism fantasies and focus on more vanilla stuff before I come back if at all? does this mean I'm getting too extreme and need to stop for a while?

[Mo]

Hi there, electricswitch.

I don't think your fantasies as you're describing them here are necessarily a cause for concern. It isn't unusual for people to enjoy sexual fantasies about things they wouldn't like to experience in real life (or that they'd only like to experience in specific circumstances).
Having violent sexual fantasies doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be more likely to perpetuate sexual violence or harm someone else, especially since it sounds like you have a pretty clear understanding of what isn't going to be safe or okay to do with someone in a real sexual experience. And I think it's worth pointing out that you say these fantasies are better when you're picturing a consenting partner, too.

At the same time, I can understand being a little worried about these fantasies, especially if they're new. If it feels better for you to focus on less "extreme" fantasy subjects for now, I think it's fine to try and do that. But it's often very difficult to change one's fantasies altogether, and it isn't something I think you have to try and do in this case.

This advice column has some additional thoughts about BDSM and more "extreme" fantasies that you may find helpful, as well.

[electricswitch]

Hi there, electricswitch.

I don't think your fantasies as you're describing them here are necessarily a cause for concern. It isn't unusual for people to enjoy sexual fantasies about things they wouldn't like to experience in real life (or that they'd only like to experience in specific circumstances).
Having violent sexual fantasies doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be more likely to perpetuate sexual violence or harm someone else, especially since it sounds like you have a pretty clear understanding of what isn't going to be safe or okay to do with someone in a real sexual experience. And I think it's worth pointing out that you say these fantasies are better when you're picturing a consenting partner, too.

At the same time, I can understand being a little worried about these fantasies, especially if they're new. If it feels better for you to focus on less "extreme" fantasy subjects for now, I think it's fine to try and do that. But it's often very difficult to change one's fantasies altogether, and it isn't something I think you have to try and do in this case.

This advice column has some additional thoughts about BDSM and more "extreme" fantasies that you may find helpful, as well.

I really appreciate the reassurance, as well as the sources your provided I'm feeling a lot better about myself now. But I'm still wondering, is there ever a line fantasies can cross that are dangerous to linger on? even if you never act on them, is there a point where it could, idk, desensitize you somehow? thank you for your response again!

[Sam W]

Hi electricswitch,

I would say the instance where fantasies can be worrying to linger on is if you're noticing they're creeping into how you treat people in real life, even if it's not acting out the fantasy outright (for instance, treating members of a certain group as only being there for your pleasure rather than as full people). But you can head that off by being mindful of your interactions with people in general.