Advice

[cammcat]

Hello,
I'm looking for advice on whether or not I'm doing the right thing. (very long post I'm sorry)

I've been a good friend with a guy for about two years. in the beginning we hit it off; enjoyed the same things, worked at the same place, and had mutual friends. we usually hung out in a group, playing DnD or chatting online playing games. towards the end of the first year he admitted to having feelings for me, and i said i wasn't ready for relationships (a close family member recently passed away and i was extremely affected by it, so i was going through the beginnings of grief), and i really enjoyed our friendship. he agreed and we both continued chatting online and enjoying our time together.

at the end of the year last year, he brought it up again, saying he still has romantic feelings for me, so much that it hurts to be around me, and asked if anything had changed between us. in honesty i wanted to say yes; he was very charming and attractive, very smart, and we chatted a lot and i did have a crush on him, however i wanted to seek therapy for my grief because it was still drilling into my mind. I'm also very timid about relationships and the intimacy involved; we both live at our parent's houses, and i feel awkward thinking about trying intimate things while parents are around. a goal of mine has always been to move out and have my own space before starting a committed relationship, and i told him that. he explained that he cant go back to being friends because he can't stand the thought of me being with someone else, so there's no possible way to be friends anymore. i said that i was sorry, but I'm not prepared for a relationship, and his response was that we should just try. i responded back with a no and reiterated the reasons, and it wasn't what he wanted to hear.

the conversation ended and later that evening he sent me a message saying he needed time away from me, but if i wanted to speak with him about the relationship he would listen. a few weeks pass and we saw each other at work occasionally and it was awkward; he didn't speak or look at me. it made me look into myself and see what the main issues were with me not wanting to begin anything, made me question if the reasons i provided weren't valid.

i decided I'd see a therapist for grief and for an event that happened as a child that involved sexual harassment (which i think is one of the reasons i cannot feel comfortable with intimacy), and felt that if i started treatment I'd be able to open up to him. i asked to speak with him about us, and once we met up i explained the issues I've been having and that i did have feelings for him, and I'd try once i figure out a therapist and what advice they would have. i was uncomfortable with intimacy, and it would take me a while to become comfortable i told him I'd be seeing a therapist at the end of february, and that I'd have an answer for him by then. at this time it was the end of january. he agreed and we hugged and things seemed to go back to normal; chatting online, speaking with each other, etc.

therapy came around, and the first session was basically an explanation of credentials and sorting out paperwork. i had no idea what to expect since this was the first time id sought out therapy. i told my guy friend that the first session was not what i expected, and that i would make another appt, hoping that i could talk about my goals. he seemed fine with it; did not express impatience at all, which made me feel good. my next session was in three weeks, and over that time things felt fine; we mainly spoke online, but we went for a hike and food once in a while.

i started to see some things that made me a bit nervous; i felt like he expected a kiss every time we hung out in person, which i was timid about doing. he would get jealous easily, and he would get very 'passionate' while explaining things. i went out to lunch with a mutual friend after work one day, and he was hurt that he hadn't been invited. he would raise his voice and talk over me if we were discussing serious topics, like work or said lunch. he was upset because i wasn't spending enough time with him, which made me feel like i couldn't see anyone else but him. if i did i felt like i couldn't tell him or else he's become upset and jealous. we planned to go to lunch the upcoming friday after, that way we could see each other.

wednesday of that week (the lunch was planned for the friday after) i spoke with my therapist again, and told her about the issues I've been having. she suggested i work on grief, because it's been affecting me every day, and that once we have a solid plan for that, we can work on the intimacy problem. i agreed with her, because i felt my grief was more important to myself. i planned to talk about my session on friday during lunch, so i left it alone til then.

we met up friday, and his entire attitude was off. he seemed upset with me, looking at me like i had done something wrong. gave me short answers to everything, i felt like i did most of the talking during our lunch. it made me uncomfortable to talk about my session, since it'd be something he wouldn't want to hear (postponing relationship issue over grief) so i decided not to talk about it. we hugged but then he pulled away and asked if 'this felt okay to me'. i responded that it did, but he felt different. he told me i was pushing him away a lot, and not caring about his feelings. he wants to hug and kiss me but I've been pushing him away. him seeing me/knowing i was with other people without him made him jealous, along with me talking to my other guy friends. he had been waiting since february for an answer to us, and i've been keeping him waiting. at this point i didn't know how to respond, so i told him I've been scared, but i do care about him. everything had been feeling platonic, and the way he had been acting made me uncomfortable. he said everything was in my ballpark, so if i had more to talk about he'd listen. we parted ways.

he removed me from most social media platforms, specifically the ones we chatted in the most. i sent him a message saying that i realize that i need to be more intimate, and i see that what I've been doing isn't enough. i'd try more, but i wanted to talk this out in person and reconcile. his response was that he needs a week or more break, and that i don't get to dictate what happens between us.

a few more texts back and forth happened, a few sounding a bit rude. making me feel like I'm pulling him away from his friends.

it's making me question whether or not i should try with this guy, if what I'm doing is invalid and hurtful. if i shouldn't care about it as much as i am. i feel like everything has been ruined and there's no going back, it hurts a lot.

[Mo]

Hi there cammcat, and welcome to Scarleteen.

From what you've said here, it sounds like you and this guy aren't a good fit for each other right now. You've been very clear with him what you do and don't feel ready for, and it sounds like he's been pushing for more in both large and small ways for a long time. It's okay for him to feel disappointed that you aren't ready for the kinds of intimacy that he wants in a relationship. What isn't okay, though, is to act jealous or controlling, to try and dictate how you spend your time or who you spend it with, or to withhold emotional intimacy because you don't want to kiss him.

You not wanting to kiss this guy doesn't mean you don't care about his feelings! I find that sort of statement from him pretty worrying. I'd argue that being jeanous and pushing for more intimacy than what you're ready for right now shows a lot of disrespect for your feelings. You aren't being hurtful or mean by stating and sticking to only what you're comfortable with.

I do want to push back a bit on what you said about needing to be more intimate. If you really want to be physically intimate with him, that's something you could experiment with, but it is never something you owe another person or that you need to push yourself to do before you feel ready. A relationship in which you feel pressure to be more intimate than you're comfortable with isn't likely to be a healthy one.
And in all honesty, this doesn't sound like someone who's going to be a good intimate partner for you or for anyone right now, given how little care he seems to be showing for your own comfort and the boundaries you've clearly stated.

[cammcat]

thank you mo,
we are going to have a conversation about this in the next couple days. it’s been difficult trying to figure out how i want to say everything, but at this point i feel like this guy will still refuse to listen to how i’m feeling and only think about the way he’s feeling and how i’ve hurt him.
i’ve asked some friends for advice, and they’ve said the same things. a few have been observing his behavior over the past few months and agree that he has some issues that he should take care of, but he won’t admit that he has them in the first place.
he has started asking me why a few people aren’t speaking with him, why some have unfollowed him from social media. so now i’m afraid he’s thinking that i’ve been oversharing these problems when i’ve simply been asking for help. i don’t know how to respond to this, and i’m afraid he will use this as some kind of leverage.

[cammcat]

i wanted to save the friendship that we've had for the two years but now i feel like that’s unlikely.

[Elise]

Hi there camcat, I'm sorry to hear that someone that you considered a friend is not listening to you, and prioritising his feelings over your own, and trying to make you feel bad when you shouldn't. Your instincts are right, the best thing for you at the moment is to have some time away from him and his behaviour.

It also makes a lot of sense why you feel like you want to "save the friendship", so things can go back to how they were, whilst at the same time understanding that this isn't possible. As this change in your relationship is due to his behaviour and disrespect and hurtful behaviour towards you, which is not your fault, nor something that is your responsibility to fix. Of course, this being true doesn't always make it emotionally easy to go through, it is completely valid to need to grieve the friendship you had that cannot exist as it had,and miss it, at the same time as taking the actions to end it so you can exit a relationship that is no longer emotionally good for you

Also, when you talk to him, you do not owe him more of an explanation beyond why you need some space for now, and the level of detail you explain this with is up to you. If you feel that he might try to make more counter arguments and excuses with the more detail you give, then you don't need to give it. This can be hard to reconcile with when someone who is hurting you is someone you cared about as a friend, and it is natural to want to make them "feel better" and fully reconcile a conflict. It can help to remember that not making someone feel better (because it would be hurting you or excusing their bad behaviour, for instance) is not the same as hurting someone. Does that make sense?

You also do not need to try and explain away/justify/explain that you didn't influence why your friends have unfollowed him, as that is their decision to do so, and you are not responsible for their actions (I am glad to hear that they see his behaviour for what it is also, and that you have supportive friends in your life). I am sorry to hear that his reaction makes you afraid, and that he might use this as leverage. Are you able to explain a bit more what you mean by this, and maybe we can help you prepare for such a conversation?

Also, to check in, are you able to do some things that bring you joy and/or comfort as you navigate this at the moment, so you can have an emotional break from this, and also a mental break? Are you able to/already making time to hang out with people in your life who are good, supportive friends?

[cammcat]

hi elise,
what i mean by him using this information as leverage, is that i feel like he needs a reason to justify his behavior. he needs a reason to be upset with me, and not accept an answer that ‘he doesnt like’ (something he’s said before when we were having a conversation about our relationship). some examples: him knowing that im talking about our problems ‘behind his back’? he will see that as distrust, not me seeking advice, ruining a mutual friendship with someone. i didnt tell him about my therapy session where i need to work on grief more than relationship issues? that would be me leading him on, me not telling him the truth.
of course, he hasn’t actually said the response to these questions, but by him insinuating these questions, it makes me feel like these are the conclusions he’s drawn for himself.

the meeting we will be having is tomorrow, so im trying my best to enjoy today. i did have some time spent with a friend yesterday. id like to tell him that his behavior over the past two weeks has been very passive-aggressive and rude, while all ive been trying to do is reconcile. what i could do during the past month is the most i can do at the moment when it comes to a relationship, and after knowing what im dealing with, he shouldnt be impatient with me. i was under the impression that everything was fine, until the jealousy came out.
that made me feel uncomfortable, and made me feel like i couldnt speak about me friends with him which is a big issue for me, since most of my friends ive had for a lot longer than ive known this guy.

[Sam W]

Hi cammcat,

I think you're right that he may use some of your explanations for things as justifications for why he's acting like a jerk. The fact that you can spot that as a likely outcome is a sign that his behavior is already signalling that a relationship with him--platonic or romantic--is not a helpful or positive thing for you. You're already having to put mental energy into worrying that being truthful will be used against you, which sounds exhausting.

Do you have a way to schedule something relaxing or some other form of self care for after you have this conversation? Just going off of his past behavior, talking with him about this may be stressful, and you deserve some time to decompress or be supported afterwards.

Are there any parts of the conversation with him that you're worried about?

[cammcat]

hey sam,
i do have some friends that ive been speaking with about this, and im going to let them know when im done with the meeting tomorrow. if theyre free to hang out i will be asking them. otherwise i do have friends online that i play games with and chat.

some parts that concern me about tomorrow is that i feel like i might have a hard time remembering and explaining everything im feeling. i think that because he feels hurt the most, he will be doing a lot of talking and not really listening to how hurt i am over the way hes been acting.
i want to tell him that his behavior recently has made me uncomfortable, that he did not have a reason to feel jealous, or be impatient towards me. and that it makes me feel like in the future these behaviors will only get stronger. i want to say that even though i have feelings for him, i dont have the skills to solidify a full, committed relationship, and that i want to focus on my therapy so that i can be a better person for myself and the people around me.

i still wish that we could still be friendly around each other, but as hes said before, he would need to move on and not see me if we cant be in a romantic relationship.

[Carly]

Hey cammcat -- I read that you're worried you're going to have a hard time remembering and explaining how you've been feeling. For what it's worth, I think you did a very good job explaining exactly what's been bothering you in your last post. If you're worried about remembering, you can also write it down and take it out when you need to. Whenever users need to have a big conversation they're a little nervous about, I always recommend taking a look at Be A Blabbermouth. Though the resource is geared towards having conversations about sex with a partner, I think what its discussed can be applied to any conversation in which we need to be honest and clear. Was any of it helpful for you?