Struggling to feel at home

[Raffles]

I've been going through a rough patch lately. There have been a series of events that have made me feel completely powerless, like I have no say over what happens to me or my circumstances. My brain has turned this into feeling really weird about my physical body. It doesn't feel like a home or something that I own. It feels more like an empty hotel room where I don't belong. I know I don't get to chose a lot of what happens in life, but I just want to feel like I'm in control of my body again. I just don't want to go (further) down any dangerous paths.

What are somethings people have done to regain a sense of autonomy after feeling like you've lost it?

[Sam W]

Hi Raffles,

There are lots of different ways to do this, so I'm hoping other folks will chime in with what's worked for them. But I wanted to give you a few examples of what I've tried when I was dealing with the feeling that my body was just this...thing that I wasn't really connected to.

-Smaller physical/aesthetic changes: Since I'm femme, that includes things like make-up for the hell of it or cutting my hair.
-Getting tattoos: I don't recommend this as an impulsive thing, and obviously it's not for everyone, but getting them is a reminder that I control what goes on my body, and that I can put beautiful things on it if I want to.
-Gratitude body scan: I learned this from a book, but basically what you do is lay down and really, really slowly touch or focus on your body parts, starting with your feet and working up. As you go, you appreciate or thank your body for what it does for you. Those things can be really, really mundane or practical if you need them to be, like thanking your hands for the fact you can pet cats or something like that.

[Raffles]

I've been wanting to do something to my appearance, like get a tattoo or dye my hair. The tattoo idea has been... complicated, and I feel like I can't really dye my hair because I'm doing interviews. As a sort of GNC/nb person, I feel like I have to look as "normal" as possible otherwise in order to give myself the best shot at getting hired.

But body scanning sounds reasonable! I might freak out a little about my torso/stomach area, but I guess I could just skip it if it makes me too uncomfortable.

[Emily N]

Hi Raffles,
I’m sorry you’re struggling to feel “at home” in your body. And I’m doubly sorry that you feel like you have to “conform” to get interviews!! (but I’m also doing the same thing right now by not getting the haircut I want until after I get a job, so it would be hypocritical of me to tell you to just “go for it”). What about less permanent changes, like finding a new outfit, maybe something you wouldn’t normally wear but have been curious about? And I agree that the body scan should make you feel relaxed, and it’s okay to engage with whatever parts of your body you want to engage with.

[Raffles]

It difficult for me to shop for clothes because of my body issues, but I have been choosing comfortable clothes for work and changing immediately into my pajamas when I get home for maximum comfort.

I hope you can get a job soon so you can get your haircut!

[Emily N]

I hear you about shopping for clothes, it can be really emotionally difficult. I like that idea of wearing comfortable clothes The other thing I'd say is to remember/try not to be upset at yourself for feeling "weird" or like you "don't belong" in your body.

I hope you can get a job soon so you can get your haircut!

Aww thank you, I hope you do too if you decide you want to dye your hair!