Scared of boys

[sparklingstar]

So when I was a kid, my parents were kinda against me dating or having feelings for a boy (at least that's the vibe they were giving off), and so whenever a boy in school has a crush on me, I get terrified cuz I remembered all those scary stories that my parents said or just media in general saying that "girls getting harmed for dating with guys" kind of thing.

Of course, I know my parents were just trying to protect me and whatnot, and there really was this boy that spread rumors of me and him being in a relationship, therefore causing a bunch of chaos. I even blocked a guy who confessed his attraction towards me because I was just panicking that he would harm me and I 'want my own space'! (To be real tho, that last guy did bullied me in school, so...)

I just think all these things made me scared of boys, or relationship in general. Even though I know the guys around me now are mostly nice and these are rare events, I still find it hard to text a guy without having a small panic attack, or whenever they be nice to me, my brain just replays all those bad events involving relationship. Things are also getting sorta worse since I'm having a small crush on someone right now.

These kind of things are really hard to discuss with my parents and I'd like some reassuring words or advice. Thanks in advance!

[Sam W]

Hi hiImcrocheting,

That sounds like a really stressful set of emotions to be dealing with! And, as you pointed out, they'd probably be easier to navigate if there weren't actually guys out there who do act like jerks and a social structure that tends to ignore or encourage certain negative behaviors in guys.

There are a few different things that I think could help you out. One is to remember that ultimately you have the final say in whether you want to pursue a relationship with someone. Texting someone, exploring a crush, even dating someone aren't signs that you're now in a situation where you have no control and now bad things are coming for you. You're allowed to end those interactions or relationships if something about them makes you uncomfortable.

Too, it may help to think about what you'd need in order to feel comfortable or safe exploring your attraction to a guy. Are there behaviors or boundaries that make you feel safer when you think about them?

I also wonder if it would help to seek out examples of men being GOOD partners. I don't want to downplay the fact that there are lots of crummy or dangerous men out there, but it seems like your brain is already pretty aware of that reality. So, what if you looked for examples to counterbalance that? That could also help out by giving you information on how healthy, happy relationships with guys look.

[sparklingstar]

Hi Sam
Thank you so much for the response! It actually made me realize that most people around me are nice people judging by their action, and your words made me feel safer when thinking about relationship and all those stuff.
So thanks again for being awesome!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I'm so glad it was helpful!