Thinking About My Relationship Never Feels Good

[sandpiper]

Hello friends! It's been a while. I hope you are all doing well. I was wondering whether you might have some advice for me about a constant hurt I don't want to have anymore.

To be brief, through my close relationship with my partner of 1.5 years, I've become increasingly aware of various feelings of unbalance. The biggest arena where this would regularly upset me is physical affection. I don't want to resort to "giver" and "reciever" roles when talking about things like oral and manual sex, since both people are enjoying the experience and so on, but in the big picture, 95% of our intimate touch has always been centered on his pleasure, with me mostly in a so-called "giving" role with sex or affection. I'd always enjoy the individual experiences, but after a month or two of no physical interactions centering me, I'd start feeling really sad and resentful and I'd calmly bring it up in a hard conversation, he would listen and apologize and say he will do better, and then... we'd do the exact same thing a month or two later. Over and over again. (I do also bring it up outside of serious conversations, little comments like "maybe next time we can do *something focused on me*" and he agrees enthusiastically, and then it never happens.)

I know physical affection isn't the only way people express love, but anywhere I look I struggle to find things that balance out, other methods or love languages (though I don't love that framework) that come more naturally to him. In fact, in the beginning he did plenty of male ego bragging about how much he loves sexually pleasing a woman, how it is a way he wants to demonstrate love and care to me, and the way those things never panned out makes it easy to feel like I must be too gross for that to apply, or else that that was something deliberately manipulative to get me to sleep with him, though I know neither is true. He is good at listening and apologizing and says he will do better and thanks me for telling him, but then things don't happen.

The physical is the biggest part of it that hurts, but there are similar things in other arenas. I am the one putting in lots of emotional labor listening to him wallowing or going in circles, having the same conversations over and over and not going anywhere, having him argue with me whenever I try to help, getting shut down when I suggest therapy. I have put in so, so much work to better myself and explore and improve the things that are really, really difficult for me over the last years. I am the one going to events I don't really like, constantly actively working on sex and sexuality, finally going to therapy and trying medication, always reading self help books and journaling and reflecting and making time to make myself better and vigilantly keep an eye on how I could be a better partner. He doesn't. I've asked him at the very least to try going to therapy over and over again and he hasn't. I just have no general sense of his competence and ability to take care of and improve himself, let alone remember to care for me sometimes.

(I'm a big advocate that therapy isn't the only way, since it wasn't accessible to me for a long time, and so most of my own work I have always done on my own, reading and reflecting and having conversations and building skills and exposing myself to hard things on my own, such that both of my therapists swiftly dumped me saying that I have the tools I need, they don't feel ethical taking my money, to call them and make an appointment as needed in the future. But it's evident he doesn't have the self-awareness and direction to do that alone right now, which is fine. I know he has access to healthcare, to an EAP, to free on-campus options.)

The most recent one was a few weeks ago. I was feeling really hurt about the whole cycle and really desperately wanted this to end this time. He admitted that he forgets about this between times I sit down to seriously talk about it, which I don't quite understand. Personally I could never imagine forgetting something important like this thst my partner has voiced repeatedly, but we are all different. Maybe someone can help me empathize with that way of thinking: no matter how busy and exhausted I get, my partner's repeated wants and needs aren't something that could just leave my mind. It's been a couple of weeks and I hoped things would improve, but they haven't really.

In fairness, a big part of that feeling things haven't improved is that we hardly see each other. We are both very, very busy and exhausted people, and the last few months in particular we've maybe seen each other once a week, briefly for a rushed lunch or to sit silently and do work next to each other. We get so little quality time (and when we do I find it feels entirely focused on him). Last night we were planning on spending a couple of hours together and then he unexpectedly got roped to a meeting for a project he isn't involved in at all (not a necessary work or class thing, a student project of some sort he has nothing to do with). So we didn't end up seeing each other, and probably won't for a couple more days, and haven't since Sunday, and before that it was the Sunday before that, and so on. So it probably isn't entirely fair to be pessimistic as there just hasn't been a lot of time together for change to be demonstrated, but the scarce time that has been there has been spent in the default mode.

And the default when we are both exhausted and busy is for each of us to do what is easiest and more comfortable for us. For me (people pleaser, socialized as a woman, parent stuff I am begrudgingly starting to admit is trauma, etc) that is the giving role of doing things for others with every moment as if to pay rent for existing. And for him, that's simply receiving.

Simply put, I'm realizing every time I think and feel about my relationship I can feel nothing but sad and heavy and hopeless and itchy worried feelings, and I can't remember what it feels like for it to be mostly positive or if it ever was (though it's always hard to feel like the way you're feeling now isn't the way you have felt or will feel forever, so I'm taking that inability to imagine ever feeling net good with a grain of salt). I feel tired looking at it going forward. I don't feel a belief in my body that things are okay and secure. This definitely isn't sustainable as it is now, and as much as I can cerebrally say I believe things will get better, the truth in my body is that the tightness, the hollowness, the fear, are all still here. It doesn't trust or believe things can be better. It is just tired. I am not someone who typically does this or is avoidant, but I have been finding myself thinking trying to find ways to emotionally distance myself and make myself less invested so this hurts less. (And on a meta-emotion level I find this all really disturbing and sad and guilt-inducing.) Thinking about the relationship is mostly just a constant hurt channel and I am tired and I don't want it to hurt anymore. He is genuine, apologetic, listens... but I know my body is going to keep feeling sad and scared and I am tired of it. I want to feel good. I don't want the best moments to be the ones I think about it and succeed in feeling not much of anything. I want to feel something good thinking about this relationship, gratitude or fondness or excitement or hope. And I know my feelings are my own responsibility and not his and I'm not entitled to those things.

We're coming up on summer break in just over a week, which this year probably means not seeing each other at all for four months straight. Last summer, and every time there is a break and we don't see each other for a bit, any amount of space to slow down and think and feel leaves me with nothing but drowning in hard negative feelings about my relationship and related topics. Last summer it was the miserable feeling every day related to figuring out sex and sexuality, and that's still a dark cloud that drifts through often, though I've put a lot of work in and things are better. I just really, really don't want to spend the next four months feeling so bad all the time. I am so tired.

I have been doing a lot of reading on learning to feel and sit with your feelings, to separate thoughts and the ego from the physical sensations and just notice them and be present with them, just sit and be present with the hollowness in your chest, the tight scratching in your throat, the faraway feeling, and so on. But I'm scared that this is an infinite well that will just keep feeling bad no matter how much I try to sit with it, since I think it's reasonable to say I don't think I will feel better, physically, in my body, until I have seen that things have changed consistently for a while, that I haven't been forgotten, that we get to see each other and have quality time more and that I get to recieve attention and affection sometimes too. And those aren't things that we can meaningfully work on much for the next four months.

So, what do I do? Do I just surrender to feeling it day in and day out? Is it healthy to try to avoid it and distract myself? I am just tired and I don't want this to hurt anymore the way it has, the way dark clouds related to the relationship, sex and sexuality have floated regularly over me the last year and a half. I just want to be rid of this heartbroken feeling and the attached meta-guilt and maybe replace it with hope or excitement or something. Any ideas? Things I can work on? Do I need to just stop thinking so much? How?

Thank you <3

[Emily N]

Hi sandpiper, welcome back! This is a lot to be working through in a relationship <3

I'm sorry to hear your sexual and experiences with your partner have felt unbalanced. While you might enjoy performing acts that center your partner’s pleasure, but sex should never feel one sided. It’s great that you’ve been able to verbalize how you are feeling and that he seems to be receptive, but so sooo frustrating that this doesn’t translate into change in behavior. Have you tried or would you feel comfortable asking him for what you want during sex?

It also sounds like this, paired with other aspects of your relationship that feel unbalanced, indicate that it could be time to have a larger, more serious conversation with him about the way that power and balance of appreciation play into your relationship. It would be good to set aside a specific time with the expectation that you are going to talk about something that requires his attention. You can let him know that you appreciate that he listens and apologizes, but you really need to see it reflected in his behavior. In this conversation it’s also okay (and healthy) to set boundaries about when and what kinds of emotional conversations you are having.

You said, “Maybe someone can help me empathize with that way of thinking: no matter how busy and exhausted I get, my partner's repeated wants and needs aren't something that could just leave my mind.” This sounds like a red flag to me. That your feelings about your relationship are overwhelmingly negative when you are thinking about it is also a red flag. It’s also okay to ask yourself “is this a relationship I want to be in still?” and if the answer is no, that’s okay. When you ask, “Is it healthy to try to avoid it and distract myself?”, the answer is probably no. It sounds like at this point you need something to change, whether that come about by having a conversation with your partner about what you need from him or by ending the relationship, or whatever path you decide.

[sandpiper]

Thank you, Emily. It felt really good and validating to read that, that feeling like this isn't an okay thing to resign to long-term, that things need to change.

As to asking during sex: I have certainly tried a few times, and I know I could do a lot better with doing this more. A few things get in the way: from the start I feel focused on him and it takes my body to warm up to being curious about much touch, and by the time it's been a while of kissing or touching and I'm feeling like it might be fun to try something focused on me, I feel like we are already "in too deep" in starting to center the experience on pleasuring him, and that backing out now would be disappointing, uncomfortable, like leading him on, and well, this is fun too, so let's keep doing this. Another thing is that after he has an orgasm he's immediately tired, worn out, and "done," you know? Maybe once he tried to touch me halfheartedly afterwards because I'd asked earlier but I knew his heart wasn't in it and told him to stop. Just for the sake of trying new things, once or twice I've tried using a vibrator after he finishes just to try to share that experience and see what that feels like together, but it always feels weird in that I know (as he told me afterwards) he feels useless and upset watching me (he's aware that toys are friends not competition and doesn't object to my using them, but trying to experiment with them just a couple times has felt like pulling teeth), and the other time or two he just fell asleep while I did it, which made me feel really alone.

(I'll add that I've always struggled with sexual pleasure, and pleasure generally as a lifelong depressed person, but I have put a ton of work into this in the past year, getting meds, reading books, talking here and with friends, persistently exploring and experimenting and learning with what can feel good to me. I went from never having experienced any ounce of anything like sexual pleasure to now feeling reasonably confident I can enjoy some aspects of it, even if it's different or seems much milder than others' experience. I finally sorted out how to have an orgasm after maybe six months of trying with a vibrator. For another several months they were always entirely pleasureless and even mildly uncomfortable. Now they range from neutral to very mildly pleasant, but have a defined shape I can point to and say yeah, that's what that is. I'm still working on getting to the same place "acoustically," and based on progress so far I feel like it is going to take me many months all over again, and I'm okay with that. I'm enjoying the exploration and learning about myself and I don't feel the need to rush to "accomplish" it. My point here is that pleasure has always been tricky for me, as context for the next point.)

The other thing that makes things tricky in changing the current default give-receive dynamic is that, well... for him receiving is simply easy. For me it's really hard. The entire mental exercise of it wears me out, always trying to stay alert and present in some way, the only tiny present part of my brain consumed by the need to perform pleasure, watching myself move and vocalize, not ever outright lying or manufacturing anything, just feeling far away and like I'm magnifying everything to several times its size. As opposed to masturbation, I always feel way more distant during partner sex focused on touching me, like I'm trying to understand words from a few feet underwater, or being touched very softly on the very surface through a thick wool blanket. I just always feel so far away, and my tiny scrap of presence and energy is used on constantly trying to be more present, to feel less far away, to react and encourage and move and respond, to try to stay alert and keep paying attention (my brain isn't drifting off to anything, I'm not having thoughts, not thinking about homework or things I have to do, I'm just far away and continually have to try to metaphorically shake myself to stay present and pay attention). And the other thing making his harder is a sort of desperate scarcity mindset, that this happens so infrequently I need to use my chance right, I need to receive *right*, I need to be alert and attentive and responsive because this almost never happens and this is my only chance and so I have to squeeze it for all it's worth and oh no, I'm not doing it right, I'm messing it up by not being present and genuine and this is why I won't get any more tries. Physically speaking my body is so, so very numb too -- obviously I am not the world's grandest font of presence, relaxation, and pleasure when alone, but I am improving and I am much better than this. Even identical forms of stimulation (like, say, a vibrator, with me controlling it) that might be a little bit enjoyable and/or lead to orgasm alone, feel absolutely entirely numb with him there, and it takes literal hours of pleasureless stumbling to try to get to an unenjoyable and upsetting orgasm, and then I am upset with myself for wasting so much time, and I know orgasm is not the goal but I just wanted to experience it with him there once or twice just to see what it might be like, so that's why I tried it those couple of times, and it would end with me stumbling around forever entirely numb and him upset or asleep.

I am aware of all my above tendencies and distortions and have told him about all of them and am doing my best to work on them alone, but I think it's probably fair to say that some of those things can only most effectively be worked on through... practice with another person? Seeing it proven that no, this isn't the last time, this isn't a scarce thing, you don't have to do it perfectly this time, you'll get another chance regardless? That it's okay to be and respond just as I am? The space to try different things to be more present, less tense, less numb? I'm certainly open to more ideas on how to work on this front, by the way.

I'm a dancer, and a peer that taught me a lot told me when she wants to get a lot better fast, she keeps just one goal in the back of her mind for the night when she steps onto the social floor. Right now, for me with masturbation (and existing as a physical body more generally) that's trying to be less tense, as I'm seeing the sheer amount of permanent muscle tension that are causing me pain in various ways (I don't know how I feel about the term vaginismus but practically speaking I can't get anything into my vagina without pain and nothing is physically wrong with me, my TMJ is awful, shoulders always hurt, etc). Besides the general constant tension, I'm learning that tensing up when trying to experience sexual pleasure doesn't serve me and I am slowly learning to relax and let go and try to just be present with myself and relaxed. And I'm getting better at it and enjoying the process. So I'm certainly doing all I can at a time to work on bits and pieces of it, but I feel like a lot of that... would most benefit by practice and the reassurance of actual change that this is not a scarce thing.

I've also made it abundantly clear that I just want to receive physical attention sometimes, but it doesn't have to be anything generally recognized as sexual: I'd love it if he rubbed my shoulders or massaged my back or just spent a while touching or kissing me sometime. Each time I have this conversation I touch on all of the above and emphasize that there is a wide range of options, that I'm not expecting a certain result, I'm not grading him, I just want him to touch me sometimes. And he listens and understands and apologizes and it somehow seems like it fades away each time.

It's only been 2 weeks since the last one of these, so it's a bit premature and unfair of me to bring it up again now, I think, as we barely see each other. Still, in the few times we do, I see the balance is subtly the same: the same sort of sex a couple times, then a night where I massage him, a couple nights when I put lotion on his sunburnt arms. I always try to be the change by demonstrating what I want, being the one to suggest and try new things, and it's only a timeframe of a couple of weeks and maybe ~4 interactions.

Still, I think it probably isn't unreasonable that I am going to keep feeling weird and sad on this front until I see consistent demonstrated change for a while and can slowly relax into knowing things are different now. Similarly, I will feel better about the way we never see each other when things have actually changed and we have consistently spent time together for a while. On a meta level, I'm upset that I'm not going to get those things for another four months now, and I need to find other ways to make it hurt less.

I also still feel confused and hurt about the forgetting thing. I asked about it, I asked him to explain it, I still don't understand it. How do you forget the things your partner keeps seriously asking for until they sit you down again, half a dozen times over? Hearing that really made the sad heavy feelings louder. I can say I believe it out loud or in my brain but my body doesn't feel like it trusts that things will be better, you know?

Thank you for reading and letting me get all my thoughts are here. I know these have been long-winded; there have been many times over the last months I think to post here again, start drafting a post, see how long it is, and change my mind and say maybe later, lol

[sandpiper]

Just a tiny timely update.

Last night we were going to hang out for an hour or two in the evening. He went to a meeting for some student startup he isn't a part of and it didn't end up happening. I texted him to say that the way things are now isn't sustainable, was honest about the fact that the only thing I've been feeling here is negative feelings, that things need to change and I would really really like to see each other more. He agreed and suggested we maybe spend an hour or two together tonight, noting he has a social for a professional group he's part of at 3pm and it depends how long it lasts. I said I would really, really like that.

Well, it's 9:30pm here, and I have heard nothing all day, so I texted to ask for an update on his evening. Certainly this social couldn't have lasted more than an hour or two? He says I'm gonna be honest, it's a bar crawl, and it's still going, and he says they're having a lot of fun but he hopes it wraps up soon because he doesn't know where else they could go. I have never been bar crawling. I didn't realize these things went for six hours. No mention of how he said he might come by tonight, no apology or asking whether he still can or anything.

It's not like we had a set-in-stone planned date or anything, he just said he would come over if he had time after an event that started at 3, after I had expressed that things really need to change and that I would really really like to see him more. I can't place it but this feels the same way that the forgetting about my needs until I tell him again feels. It kind of hurts and seems odd because that is something I can't imagine myself ever doing. I don't know what to think of it.

[Sam W]

Hi Sandpiper,

I think you're right that the whole thing with the bar crawl is sort of an encapsulation of the very dynamic you're worried about. If nothing else, it suggests that the two of you have communication and prioritization styles in relationships that just aren't all that compatible.

For instance, while brains work differently, after several times of you two having the same conversation, it seems like a partner who really wanted to prioritize changing would do something on his end to up his chances of remembering what you asked or come up with ways to demonstrate that he's at least trying to make sure there's a more even balance in the relationship. The fact that your boyfriend hasn't suggests that, even if he earnestly wants to do better, he's not prioritizing the steps he'd have to take on his end in order to follow through with that, you know?

When you think about those moments of feeling numb or far away during sex with him, does it feel like they're only coming from those anxieties about needing to get this right and seize the chance you have? Or does it also feel like there's some boredom at play? Like whatever is going on isn't super interesting, or isn't about your pleasure enough to keep you in the moment?

[sandpiper]

Thank you Sam, I agree.

Boredom would certainly be one word to describe it- it definitely feels like a constant struggle to stay alert and pay attention and I was reflecting on that recently guessing that probably isn't how sex usually is for a lot of people. I know that should be an indicator for me to share things I like more or something, but I do my best, provide lots of direction, come up with lots of ideas of different things to try, my body just feels numb and far away and not really engaged with it.

[Sam W]

I would say that, while people experience sex in a lot of different ways, if we want to have pleasurable sex our brains need to be engaged in order for it to be much fun. Sometimes that engagement is with our partner in the moment, and sometimes we do drift off into fantasies a bit, but the key is that our brains are into something that is feeding our arousal.
Do you feel like that non-engagement starts once sex starts? Or is it sort of present through foreplay and the other things that can lead up to sex?

Too, since it sounds like you're already doing a lot in terms of providing directions and ideas for sex, do you feel like he listens to and utilizes that information?

[sandpiper]

Good question about the non-engagement. I was hoping to experiment more with less traditionally-viewed-as-sex sorts of touch (like massaging my back or something, or the sensate focus stuff) to see what happens and whether that drift off is something directly tied to (or made worse in) genitals/sensitive spots etc, or if I just don't really know what to do with myself when receiving touch generally. I haven't really gotten a chance to experiment but that's something I have been really curious to find out. From limited experience I do think it is most prominent in genital sex focused on me.

Compared to just kissing and touching and making out and so on, or sex acts focused on him, I'd say the disengagement and drifting off is definitely the worst and I am most aware of it in those times that are focused on me. I used to struggle a lot with a sharper sort of dissociation with sex where I'd just sort of entirely blankly leave the room, but back then every interaction was focused entirely on him always and I was still in the bad habit of just kind of automatically doing things without stopping to realize it's important that I don't want to. I've kicked that habit now, and generally feel very present and not like I'm fighting to stay alert if I'm focusing on him, as I trust myself to only be doing things I want there and so now I find it really fun.

I figure a lot of it might be a meta sort of loop of "I'm not enjoying this enough, I feel so far away, pay attention, be responsive, I'm annoyed that my reactions feel magnified compared to the tiny things I am feeling but I can't stop" not being a great soundtrack to actually authentically relax and enjoy things to, but I'm really not sure what else is up. From the very beginning I kind of just assumed with the numbness and far-away-ness that my body is just like that, but slowly working towards a better place with masturbation proved that theory wrong. I have sometimes tried, sort of frantically, to see whether I can fantasize or something during partner sex to see whether I can manufacture more arousal, presence, or enjoyment, but it just kind of feels frenetic and inauthentic and doesn't really work (I also am someone who simply doesn't really fantasize and is still trying to find turn ons, but I'll shift to working on those things more on my own after the current focus of being less tense). I guess another thing to note here is I've come around to accepting that the label of asexual does fit me because I don't understand sexual attraction and don't think I've ever experienced it, but I kind of think of that as a footnote in my sexual experience without a ton of impact (maybe because I just don't understand sexual attraction so I don't really see it as a big deal or big piece of my identity or experience with sex). I'd love to hear any ideas or advice about this as sort of an aside from the main question, because it is something I've really been trying to figure out lately!

[sandpiper]

Forgot to answer the last part- I do generally feel like he listens and takes feedback into account, but it's still hard as I'm sort of casting around for ideas of things to try and things that might feel good, and we try them a little and it doesn't really change much. I still think it is really fun to try new things and experiment that way, but it doesn't really move the big picture towards a set of things that we know feel good to me.

[Sofi]

Hi sandpiper. hope it's okay that I jump in! I'm caught up on the thread. What you're describing can be labeled as asexuality if you're comfortable with the label, which it sounds like you are, but as a footnote of sorts (great way to describe it!) and it can change. I personally know someone who had the same experience with sexual pleasure and over time was able to enjoy partnered sex in a more organic way. Like you said, it can take trial and error and more importantly just "practice", if that's a route you want to take. That being said, your partner should be one who is receptive to suggestions and feedback, who wants to center your pleasure at least half the times, and be patient and open minded to help you explore and figure it out. Unfortunately it sounds like your boyfriend says he's these things, but doesn't show it. I definitely understand how it's easy to get in your head and overthink it in the moment, becoming hyperaware of everything and therefore making it hard to relax and enjoy the experience. I want you to know that, if it's what you want, you can work to this goal of being able to relax during sexual experiences focused on your pleasure, but it'll require a partner like the one I described above. It could be him, if he applies himself and changes, sure. But I worry given the track record you shared, that he will keep giving you empty promises. You do deserve to have a fully enjoyable for both parties and fulfilling sex life, however that looks, with someone who puts your needs high on their priority list and doesn't get upset or fall asleep on you when you're just trying to figure it out. Do you think he could be this person?

[sandpiper]

Hi Sofi! Thanks for jumping in! That is really reassuring to read, thank you. I agree, I do think with time and practice and reflection I could absolutely keep working on making partnered sex a more authentically physically pleasurable thing for me, but that is dependent on having a partner who is willing to keep trying with me.

I don't know whether that could be him. It's obvious that it hasn't been in the past, though it really has gotten better in some small ways over the last year, and he does genuinely actively listen to me and apologize. As an example, I think the little flourishes of various foreplay (though I don't love that term), just making out, sexy activities that aren't genital sex have gotten a lot more equal, with more touching me in small ways and kissing me instead of just relaxing and let me do all of it, where it feels more like a mix of us both kissing and touching each other. Also, it still happens sometimes, but far less than it used to and to a far lesser extent, that I find myself having to comfort him extensively immediately after trying to focus on me because he feels discouraged or useless or like he has failed. So changes have been small and far from perfect, and it seems like some big things (like hey, I'd love to have more activities focused solely on me for a substantial period of time; can we please see each other more) kept getting forgotten, but he's genuine and there have been some improvements, so I think it might be possible. In terms of bodily sensations I'm not sure whether I *feel* hopeful about it or like I believe it will happen, but reflecting cerebrally I think change can slowly happen, though I don't know whether those big shifts around priorities are going to happen swiftly.

Last night after the bar crawl he showed up at my place drunk around 10:30pm (not sloppy or egregious, just silly and babbling telling stories about the crawl) and asked to stay over. I didn't love the feeling that I wasn't a priority, didn't get any updates on the evening, felt like just kind of a place to stay, but of course I said yes because I really want to spend more time together to feel a little more connected and we haven't spent a night together in months. I gave him a couple hours to sober up then said I wanted to talk about something. It was a pretty quick conversation: I calmly told him how the bar crawl thing made me feel in the context of the way he knows I've been feeling really negative and neglected and really wanted to see him, I said that a larger conversation about balance has to happen here, I want to feel like more of a priority and like you remember me and that you are able to take care of yourself physically and emotionally and also put some more effort into doing things for me sometimes, this is not sustainable for me the way it is right now, something needs to change, that it's bigger than just the physical touch thing.

He didn't have much to say, just agreed and reiterated to me that he can absolutely see where I am coming from and I am being fair and reasonable (because he knows I'm absolutely doubting myself the whole time and half convinced I am being dramatic about nothing). He apologized, said I deserve better, cried a little, and that was it. Pretty quick and direct, I think I got the point across and he understood. I guess what's next is seeing whether there's lasting change.

Sometimes with the physical touch stuff I'd bring it up, he would focus on me once within a few days, I'd feel a little more relaxed and convinced that things have changed, and then weeks later that was the only time and things are back to how they were. So I am feeling a lot better today than the last few weeks because we got to spend a lot of time together last night and tis morning, and I got to tell him how I have been feeling and what needs to happen, but I can't trust that feeling to indicate long term change. I guess all I can say is that we will see, and that there have been small improvements in he past, even if I felt like the big stuff about priorities and remembering me and putting in the initiative to keep trying with me and help me feel like I'm worth the effort kept getting forgotten. I really have no idea what to expect, but I really, really hope this sticks with him.

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to have that conversation! I agree with you here: what really matters from this point is whether your boyfriend is able to make serious changes moving forward on his own, not because you have to remind him but because he takes the initiative to make you a priority. I hope he's able to do that!