Jealous of a 13 year old

[spottedowl]

Hi-
Quick background, I had pretty bad break with reality a couple months ago and am on an anti psychotic and anti depressant to deal with the symptoms. I’m also seeing a therapist to talk things out.
The problem-I’m jealous of my 13 year old sister. I snap at her a lot, and we fight. I regularly get weepy in front of her. I am 23 now and the pressure of being an “adult”has really gotten to me.
…I still feel like I’m 18, and I feel like people are expecting too much of me. A job, career, moving out, dating. I feel like I’m coming in with all these expectations. That I should be dating, should move out, should have everything figured out.
And so I’m jealous that my sister doesn’t have to deal with all this baggage and stuff.
The worrying gets to where you could classify it as anxiety. I am vomiting regularly from the stress and jealousy of it all. I asked my parents for advice…they said I would figure it out. That’s not enough for me.
So aside from calling up Doc Brown to take me Back to 13…how do I fix this relationship and stop being so jealous of a 13 year old? (which I realize is pretty goofy, but somehow this doesn’t stop me worrying.)

[Sam W]

Hi spottedowl,

This sounds so stressful for both of you, and like it's coming on the heels of what was a really intense period for you mental health-wise. Since you mention you're seeing a therapist, have you raised this issue with them yet? And if you have, have they recommended anythings for you to try?

I get that feeling of being so, so weighed down by expectations that you're ready to snap. When you think about those expectations, how much of it feels like it's explicitly coming from the people around you, and how much feels like it's coming purely from your own feelings about where you "should" be with your life right now?

In the more immediate sense, it may help to figure out ways to make sure you're not taking your stress out on your sister. When the two of you fight, are there certain things that tend to set off those fights? And can you usually tell when you're getting to the level of stress or jealously that's going to cause you to snap at her? Or does it feel like you're fine and then you're very suddenly not fine?

[spottedowl]

I have a therapist appointment in a few days so I’ll ask then and see what she says.
The expectations are definitely coming from me and where I think I should be with my life right now. Also, I think a lot of it is coming out of grad school and “school life” in general, and moving to the working world-that’s a whole lot of stress. Combine that with never really coming out of the family home and overprotective parents and you have a recipe for even more stress. I don’t really know how to get out of it other than to plan, but the planning is stressful not because of the plan, but because of the stress of moving to a new stage in my life and having to do independent activities more often if that makes sense?
So I’m jealous of my sister who doesn’t have to worry.
As for the fighting, well I can’t exactly pinpoint how it starts, just that she doesn’t want to spend as much time with/around me as she did in elementary school, which makes sense, she’s in middle school and in a different stage now developmentally. But that makes me feel upset because in a year or so I’ll actually be working at my first real job, and we’ll have even less time to spend together. I just cannot shake the feeling that in a year EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE, and I hate change. It makes me feel angry and upset that she doesn’t understand exactly how I’m feeling at the moment, and then we fight. One moment I’m accepting, the others I’m yelling or crying or worrying or throwing up from the worrying. I just don’t know how to stop taking it out on her.

[Sam W]

That detail is all really helpful! And I'm glad you'll be able to bring this up with a therapist soon so you can get that additional support.

I've been in a pretty similar position to the one you're describing, including being back at home while trying to transition from school being my life to having a more "grown-up" life. And you're right that changes, even if they're changes that we ultimately want, can just be stressful in and of themselves. One thing that helped me during that period was to look for, or even actively seek out, things that were positive or exciting experiences that could only happen because I was an adult (getting a tattoo and going solo to shows are the two that spring to mind in my case). Doing those things counter-balanced all the ways being an adult was stressing me out.

I also wonder if it'd be worth talking with your therapist about the goals and expectations you have for yourself and doing a bit of reality check. That might involve looking at ways to make changes in baby steps rather than leaps, or even if there's a way or prioritizing your goals that takes some of that pressure off of you. Does that make sense?

As for your sister, what if you took a moment where you were both feeling calm and okay and talked about how you're both going through life transitions, and that your relationship really matters to you and you don't want to lose it? The two of you might be able to find ways of organizing dedicated sibling time that reaffirms your connection and reminds you that you're not losing you sister, even as you both have more and more places to divide you time. In the short term, can you make an agreement with yourself to start leaving the interaction or even just taking a pause in it when you notice a fight brewing? That will also go a long way to preserving your relationship with her.

[spottedowl]

Thanks for the advice-it’s really great!
Yeah I do agree that taking a pause when I notice a fight brewing is something I really need to do.
I will ask my therapist about adjusting my goals to take some pressure off me, I’m a premed so that is also causing a lot of stress.