Hi. I know we’ve talked about this prior and like I don’t even know why I’m here again. I just am lonely. I want someone else in my life so bad. I know no one is perfect and everyone has like red flags and I broke up with someone I love because of them. That’s not right. He thought I was attractive and wanted to touch me all the time and yes I didn’t like it most of the time but I thought he was the one.
When I think about it in retrospect, I left someone because he liked me a lot and wanted to have sex, and have pleasure from me. That’s really the summary of it. Yes, I said no and he did things anyways but he just liked me and wanted to be close to me. I miss him so much and as the sun sets and it gets dark, I miss him even more. I wake up and I just wanna talk to him. I want to be in his arms again. Some days I don’t even think about him and other days it’s like I can’t breathe because I miss him.
I’m trying to find girl friends online and like a companion and I am open about being asexual and no one bothers to match me, but when I act promiscuous they all match me. I hate it so much.
…hey
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Sam W
- previous staff/volunteer
- Posts: 10320
- Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
- Age: 33
- Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: she/her
- Sexual identity: queer
- Location: Coast
Re: …hey
Hi Sky,
I'm going to jump into your post in a second, but before I do I want to ask that we stay focused on the topics and questions in your original post and my reply for at least a little while. One of the boundaries we set awhile back is that you not jump really sharply between topics, because it makes it really difficult for us to help you effectively, and I just wanted to remind you of that before we dig in to this conversation.
It's completely understandable to feel conflicted or to miss an ex after a break-up, even when you know their behaviors towards you were unacceptable. If abusive people were that way every second of every day, it would be much easier to cut ties with them, but the truth is that they aren't, and that you can still have good experiences with them--or happy memories of them--without that invalidating or diminishing the harm they caused, you know?
I hear you on it being frustrating to have the amount of attention you receive on those apps depend on hiding a part of your identity. I believe we've touched on this before, but I wonder if part of the issue is the spaces where you're seeking those connections; if they're ones that put a lot of emphasis on hook-ups or sexual relationships, then they may not be the best fit for you right now (or maybe ever). Have you checked out AVEN? If not, I would spend some time there to see if you can find some information on dating apps/sites that are more ace-friendly or even to see if there are other ace folks who can offer some suggestions (or at least some commiseration).
Too, I do think it might be a sound choice to take a break from looking for romantic partners right now and focus instead on building up some more friendships (or maintaining existing ones). I know that it can be really appealing to move straight from a break-up into a new relationship, but it's also worth putting the time and energy into the kinds of connections that tend to last longer (after all, many of us have friendships that last way, way longer than a given romantic relationship).
I do want to check in about therapy. Have you had a chance to see if other therapists from that list Heather gave you are taking clients? Or even just taken some time to think about what your expectations and needs are when it comes to finding and working with a therapist?
I'm going to jump into your post in a second, but before I do I want to ask that we stay focused on the topics and questions in your original post and my reply for at least a little while. One of the boundaries we set awhile back is that you not jump really sharply between topics, because it makes it really difficult for us to help you effectively, and I just wanted to remind you of that before we dig in to this conversation.
It's completely understandable to feel conflicted or to miss an ex after a break-up, even when you know their behaviors towards you were unacceptable. If abusive people were that way every second of every day, it would be much easier to cut ties with them, but the truth is that they aren't, and that you can still have good experiences with them--or happy memories of them--without that invalidating or diminishing the harm they caused, you know?
I hear you on it being frustrating to have the amount of attention you receive on those apps depend on hiding a part of your identity. I believe we've touched on this before, but I wonder if part of the issue is the spaces where you're seeking those connections; if they're ones that put a lot of emphasis on hook-ups or sexual relationships, then they may not be the best fit for you right now (or maybe ever). Have you checked out AVEN? If not, I would spend some time there to see if you can find some information on dating apps/sites that are more ace-friendly or even to see if there are other ace folks who can offer some suggestions (or at least some commiseration).
Too, I do think it might be a sound choice to take a break from looking for romantic partners right now and focus instead on building up some more friendships (or maintaining existing ones). I know that it can be really appealing to move straight from a break-up into a new relationship, but it's also worth putting the time and energy into the kinds of connections that tend to last longer (after all, many of us have friendships that last way, way longer than a given romantic relationship).
I do want to check in about therapy. Have you had a chance to see if other therapists from that list Heather gave you are taking clients? Or even just taken some time to think about what your expectations and needs are when it comes to finding and working with a therapist?
And you to whom adversity has dealt the final blow/with smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go/turn to and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain/and like the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.
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sky
- not a newbie
- Posts: 622
- Joined: Thu Nov 07, 2019 9:15 am
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Re: …hey
So, I ended up texting him last night. He asked about my grandparents and I filled him in and told him I missed him so much and life kinda sucks without him but I know that it’s best for both of us to move on.
I was seeing a therapist but it was $90 and we didn’t connect. I didn’t like her at all so I called a place yesterday and left a message for me to find someone else who is cheaper and hopefully I’ll connect with them. I don’t know how to talk about anything so I don’t know why I’m seeking therapy. I talked to the one therapist I had about it, the one we’ve talked about, and I finally opened up and said I thought I was ace and she told me that I wasn’t because I still in some form wanted to have sex/was curious about it.
I know what aven is and I’ve looked at it before I just don’t like being out there in the community really because I don’t understand myself. I also don’t feel valid like ever. Im not really seeking anyone romantically though that’s the thing. I am seeking someone to in a sense be my best friend but also cuddle me. I don’t want to make out but I like cuddling and holding hands and spending time together.
I was seeing a therapist but it was $90 and we didn’t connect. I didn’t like her at all so I called a place yesterday and left a message for me to find someone else who is cheaper and hopefully I’ll connect with them. I don’t know how to talk about anything so I don’t know why I’m seeking therapy. I talked to the one therapist I had about it, the one we’ve talked about, and I finally opened up and said I thought I was ace and she told me that I wasn’t because I still in some form wanted to have sex/was curious about it.
I know what aven is and I’ve looked at it before I just don’t like being out there in the community really because I don’t understand myself. I also don’t feel valid like ever. Im not really seeking anyone romantically though that’s the thing. I am seeking someone to in a sense be my best friend but also cuddle me. I don’t want to make out but I like cuddling and holding hands and spending time together.
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 9703
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
- Age: 54
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: …hey
Hey there, Sky. I think I'm caught up with all that's gone on with you that you've shared with staff in the text service and now the boards. But by all means, let me know as we talk if I've missed or misunderstood anything, okay?
Obviously (well, I hope it's obvious), the previous therapist that said that to you about asexuality sounds like perhaps they aren't very educated about it, which isn't surprising, since their whole knowledge of queer identities seemed very archaic.
Not knowing how to communicate with people about your stuff is something a therapist can help with over time. Like anything with therapy or most kinds of growth work, you're not likely to see changes right away, though. With therapy, any of us really needs to be working with someone qualified, and bringing our own part of the work to the table consistently to start seeing results, and it's very common for that to take a few months of regular sessions, sometimes longer. It really depends on how much stuff we've got to work out or through or learn, how our sessions go, the skill of the therapist, and again, and most of all, what work we are doing both inside of therapy and when we aren't in session.
As you know, we've made an agreement together not to get into talking about your identity with you, because your feedback and your reactions seemed to very strongly indicate it created more trauma or reactivity than help for you. So, I need to hold us both to that.
In terms of your breakup, I'm really sorry about that. Since it is your first, I think you need to give yourself a lot of room to be learning how to manage it. Did you and your ex agree or ask not to talk anymore? Or is it okay to still be in communication with them?
Obviously (well, I hope it's obvious), the previous therapist that said that to you about asexuality sounds like perhaps they aren't very educated about it, which isn't surprising, since their whole knowledge of queer identities seemed very archaic.
Not knowing how to communicate with people about your stuff is something a therapist can help with over time. Like anything with therapy or most kinds of growth work, you're not likely to see changes right away, though. With therapy, any of us really needs to be working with someone qualified, and bringing our own part of the work to the table consistently to start seeing results, and it's very common for that to take a few months of regular sessions, sometimes longer. It really depends on how much stuff we've got to work out or through or learn, how our sessions go, the skill of the therapist, and again, and most of all, what work we are doing both inside of therapy and when we aren't in session.
As you know, we've made an agreement together not to get into talking about your identity with you, because your feedback and your reactions seemed to very strongly indicate it created more trauma or reactivity than help for you. So, I need to hold us both to that.
In terms of your breakup, I'm really sorry about that. Since it is your first, I think you need to give yourself a lot of room to be learning how to manage it. Did you and your ex agree or ask not to talk anymore? Or is it okay to still be in communication with them?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead