Help with masturbation shame and smell?

[cranberry]

Hello, first time posting.

I am 25 years old, female, and still live with my parents. I like to masturbate at night to help with sleep since I have a bit of insomnia. I always make sure to clean myself after but sometimes when my mom comes into my room the morning after when I'm still in bed she says she notices a bad smell in my room. I've tried opening the windows, turning on the fan, etc. but sometimes it doesn't work. I've been masturbating since I was a kid and she's never said anything about a smell before so maybe it's something new and I should go see a doctor but then I start thinking that maybe I just hadn't noticed it before? I feel really self conscious and wonder if I should try masturbating in the shower instead but I've never tried that before and the times I've tried it I've felt awkward and never got anywhere. I've always felt guilt and shame the morning after I wake up because I wonder if anyone could tell but now hearing my mom talking about the smell I started feeling like I should stop completely until I move out (even though I know I probably wont be able to wait that long).

Any advice for both my guilt and also for the smell? I want to add that even though I am 25 it is not something that I would be able to talk to directly with my mom due to cultural reasons. She never had any kind of sex talk with me so I had to learn things on my own. I'm pretty open otherwise so I wish I could talk to her about it and resolve it that way but yeah.

[Heather]

Hey there, cranberry. Welcome to the boards. Thanks for trusting us with this. Let's see what we can do to help you out. <3

I'm not sure that we can presume that whatever your Mom is smelling is about your masturbation specifically, even though there appears to be a correlation. Do you feel like your genitals are smelling differently to you than they have in the past? Any funky or unusual discharge? Do *you* smell something different? If not, I think what might be happening is just that you smell more like an adult than a kid, which is a thing, and the negative/fearful feelings you have about masturbation have you connecting those dots. Know what I mean?

In terms of dealing with guilt or shame and talking to your Mom: I hear you that she hasn't talked to you about sex at all, and that that's likely cultural. But since it is, you might not want to assume you can't talk with her. It may just be that you need to initiate that conversation because she doesn't know how. Do you get the impression or feeling you could talk to her about it? Or has she given you clear messages in some way you couldn't, or that talking with her would likely leave you feeling worse instead of better?