Polyam Relationship Advice

[Mixxes]

One other thing I’m struggling with is also trying to figure out if abuse really was involved and, if so, who the abuser was. My friends say there definitely was abuse and that my ex was abusing me, but when I confronted my ex the day we broke up about her being abusive, she said that it was really me was abusive to her and that I was the abuser, so it really confused me. In addition, he friend said we were both toxic, insinuating that there was mutual abuse, but that doesn’t exist so that can’t be right. There’s also the possibility that she isn’t the abuser, it’s the new partner she’s with that is and she was just projecting that abuse onto me. The reality is I don’t know and I’m really confused about it. The reason I want to know if I’m the abuser or the victim is because if I really am the abuser, I need to fix myself. I need to tell my therapist and I need to specifically work on this aspect so I never abuse anyone else again. But if I’m the victim, I need to heal from the abuse I experienced and figure out how to not allow that in my life again. And if there was no abuse at all, I need to be able to distinguish what abuse really is and what it’s not. I don’t know if that makes sense?

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

I went back and reviewed your descriptions of the relationship, and I'm inclined to agree with your friends that the emotional abuse in the relationship was coming from your ex. She was the one disregarding boundaries, isolating you from support systems, and denying your experiences to the point of basically gaslighting you, and at some points what you describe to us does sound emotionally abusive.

To be honest, accusing you of abuse also fits with that pattern; when someone is confronted with the fact they've been abusing someone else, a common behavior is to immediately reverse it and claim to be the victim, because that means they don't have to take responsibility for what they did and can instead demand you apologize to them or otherwise do what they want. In fact, when you describe the break-up conversation, your ex doesn't address the accusation of gaslighting; they say "no, you gaslit me" and then when you try to ask for when to apologize, refuse to say anything more. That reads as manipulation to me rather than someone saying "you hurt me" in good faith. Does that all make sense?

[Mixxes]

Hey Sam,

That makes total sense. Thank you for the clarification. I’m going to be talking to my therapist about this to figure out next steps on how to heal from this and how to avoid relationships like this in the future. Thank you for your input. It helped tremendously.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome, and I'm so glad it helped! I hope those conversations with your therapist go well.