Why don't I feel pleasure from fingering myself?

[LotusGlow]

I have been masterbating for a long time now but it was mostly through rubbing my thighs together (without hands) and then I started using a vibrator on my clit. In both was, I was able to get amazing orgasms and was sexually satisfied. It felt great and I had no issues with anything and was even excited for my sexual encounter with boys. I am 19F. I also have no sexual experience besides a few kisses so I have never felt sexual pleasure from a partner. But recently I started to finger myself and after a few tries, I was able to easily insert one finger inside but it didn't feel like much. I didn't get that WOW feeling. It just felt like 'ok there's finger inside now what?' I tried putting two in cause online it said two fingers are recommended but it felt tight at the entrance. It didn't hurt but I could feel that something was being stretched so, I took my fingers out. I have tried using my vibrator while fingering but it feels like too much work and it gets too crowded down there to keep moving my fingers and keep holding the vibrator at the perfect spot. Sometimes I just finger myself for the sake of it - just to see if I can, just to see if this time it will feel good. It always just feels weird and sometimes painful if I press into the walls. Everyone around me is having sex and I can't even finger myself...it feels like I am the only one not being able to do this. Is something wrong? I just want to enjoy fingering and sex and penetration like everyone else!!

[Carly]

Hey LotusGlow -- so the first thing I notice here is you're feeling some pressure based on what you think you're supposed to like and what you think everyone else is doing. Believe it or not, there are some things - like fingering - that seem "universal" but actually aren't. There are many who do not like penetration. Nothing is wrong, especially because it sounds like you already have a way of masturbating that works for you. Maybe what you're finding out is you don't like the feeling of fingers inside of you. It sounds like you may be concerned about this in the event you're with a partner - am I picking up on that correctly?

[LotusGlow]

Hi, yes you are right I do feel the pressure. Pressure I never felt till a few months ago. It seems that everyone around me was enjoying sexual experiences and I wasn't.
The problem also is that I never imagined I would feel this way. I was always excited and eager to have sexual experiences. Porn or even reading about sex and fingering in romance novels never made me feel uncomfortable. I would often masturbate to penetrative videos or scenes from books. I mean I am aware that sexual pleasure is achieved mainly from the clit but I guess I am struggling to understand how would penetration fit into that. I don't wanna not do something simply cause I am afraid it isn't going to feel good. I wanna experience all kinds of sex from oral to actual sex, but suddenly I am worries and anxious that its all going to be bad for me. I am worried that because my experience with my own fingers is not a good one it won't be good with others. And I am worried about sex, I can't even fit two fingers in will sex even feel good? I wanna bring back that excitement that I had about sex and sexual experiences which I am losing because of my anxiety

[Michaela]

Hi LotusGlow,

It definitely sounds like you are placing a lot of pressure on yourself. You are also not "behind" in any way. There are people who are 25, 35, 45, and older still experimenting to find what is pleasurable for them alone and in partnered sex. Firstly, penetrative sex or oral sex can feel very different for people than fingering does. Sex can also look like a lot of different things, many of which are also not talked about or shown in some porn and popular media. As it sounds like you've been doing, the only way to find what feels good for you is to explore but with an open mind and without expectations or pressure (easier said than done, I know). I want to echo what Carly said that there are people who do not enjoy certain types of penetration (like fingering) but enjoy other types of penetration, and vice versa. What feels good and you find pleasure in is super individual and can also change with time.

You hit the nail on the head there with what you said about wanting to bring back the excitement that the anxiety you are feeling is dampening. One of the biggest things that can press the brake pedal on pleasure is feelings of anxiety that can come from expectations or other worries. Pleasure also has a whole lot to do with the brain and what you are thinking about. So, are you finding yourself worrying about these expectations while you are masturbating?

I'm going to link a couple of articles here about pleasure and masturbation which go into more detail about the things I've touched on. Here are two great ones to get you started but we have a lot more articles and advice columns on the subject because you are nowhere near the first person to come asking about this!

• Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation

• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Everybody

Is there anything in these articles that resonates with you?

[LotusGlow]

Hi! You are kinda right. I guess cause I see it everywhere I expect to get pleasure from fingering so I put a lot of pressure on myself and when it doesn't live up to it, I get anxious. Thank you for the articles though! They were definitely helpful!