Hello

[Oynx]

Hi,
My family took me to Mexico and know that I am Bi-Sexual and Gender fluid they found it in my journal and know it even though I denied it they still know. While we were there my parents talked to me about it and what they read in my journal. We were in Mexico and they just kept pointing out girls to me saying "What do you think of her? hu? Isn't she pretty?" It's just even though I denied that I am LGBQT they still know I am and I know they do but it was almost as if they were trying to convince me that I am straight or something...
What do you think?
What should I do?
-Oynx

[Siân]

Hi Onyx,

This sounds pretty off to me. When you add in your parents past behaviour, this could be more manipulation or attempts to control you. What did it feel like to you?

I don't think that there is anything specific that you can do about this specifically - either to convince them that you are straight, or to gain their acceptance that you're not straight - but the conversations we had before about considering whether your home is a safe place to be still stand. Do you want to talk about that some more?

[Oynx]

Dear Sian,

Yes! That would be great....
My parents say they love me and want the best for me and then do stuff like this...
I am listening to a podcast called the magnus archives and now my parents are saying we think it is to sad and is making me messed up.... We don't want you to listen to this anymore ect....
Do you think you could open the chat for me and you?

[Carly]

Hi Oynx -- I believe Siân meant talking more about that on our boards, this is how we help most of our users. Typically the schedule for our chat service is decided in advance and we're not typically able to open it by request.

It sounds like your parents are pushing some boundaries here, if they're trying to control the media you listen to and they're reading your private journal. We can definitely talk through that, but I'm curious to know why you denied that you were bisexual or gender fluid. How did your parents confront you?

[Oynx]

They were very forcefull about me telling them and saying homophobic coments and it scared me. So I felt like I couldn't talk to them about it. Then they say monster unicorn gay we love you. But then they say homophobic comments that make me feel I can't talk to them about it. Also I completly understand about the chat. I have no idea why I asked that....
If you want I will tell you what they say and more in depth of what happens.

[Carly]

I can see how that would be a very hard situation, it sounds like you wanted to protect yourself and that's ok. What did they mean by "monster unicorn gay we love you"? What kind of homophobic comments (if you feel comfortable repeating it)?

[Oynx]

So they are qouting hotel translvania and trying to feel like they are being supportive by saying monster unicorn gay we love you no matter what
Then they say things like God made Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve or Eve and Sarrah. This is for a reason because guy's are suppose to be with woman and visversa. They say hanging around with LGBQT people have fucked up my brain. They said even if you change your name to Sarrah or Alex I am not calling you that your name is let's say Josh. You have 3 names pick one of them. We will not refer to you as those names. They make jokes about being gay. "We're here we're queer!" or others. They wont allow things like Bi. They said everyone needs to fit in so their is now a lable for everything. They said Bi is just gay. Or their is no such thing as Gender fluid. It is just a made up thing now a days. They wont acept that I have DID they think it's just a fad or a craze. They say things like we will take you to a doctor just to prove that you don't have DID. Or my dad said go on go write more shit in your journal that is fake. If someone read it they would think we are bad parents when we arn't. Stuff like that. If you want I can go on with more.

[Oynx]

What do you think???

[Michaela]

Hi Onyx,

I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are saying those things to you. It completely makes sense why this whole interaction in Mexico is feeling off to you with that history of behavior from them. I can see why you did not feel comfortable coming out to your parents. Are the homophobic comments still going on along with these new things they are saying?

Also, how about we try and find a solution to keep your journal as a private place where you feel safe to write and process things. At the moment, how are you managing your journal privacy?

Our chat function will be open later around 5 pm EST if you are looking for more immediate responses or a private discussion. Of course, the boards are always open if you're happy to keep talking here.

[Oynx]

ok, so I would hide my journal in my room, and then one day I brought it down to right outside and my parents didn't allow me to bring it upstairs again and they were apparently looking for paper to write and came across my journal. I would wright in the chat later but don't have the option. They don't know I talk on here and have no access to a device at home. My journal is curently in between my matress and spring board. Another problem is that they are bringing me to talk to a doctor tonight??. This docter isn't even for therapy it is on the body. Also they said to talk to her? That it is a safe place to talk to them.
What do you think?

[Michaela]

Hi Onyx,

First I want to address that doctor's visit and then we can come back to the journal. Before you disclose anything to the doctor it would be good to check about their privacy protocols, what they will and won't share, etc. If you feel safe talking to them after hearing about their policies then you can talk to them about anything you feel comfortable sharing. However, if you do not feel comfortable sharing something with them then you do not have to. Does that seem like something you can do?

[Oynx]

Dear, Michaela.
Yes, this does make sense.
The doctor said she does not care what my parents said. She told me that is all up to me whether or not my parents find anything about what we talk about. The only exception is if she feels I am in danger. That is, I still did not feel comfterable to tell her alot for the first apointment. I need to go back and talk to her in 2 weeks. What else can I do???

[Carly]

Hi Oynx -- it's ok to not feed totally comfortable with a doctor at first. Even though they are doctors, they need to earn our trust like everyone else does. You mentioned this was a doctor for physical health, so I'm not sure what her options are for helping you with emotional concerns. Have you ever thought about seeing a therapist? Have you and your parents ever talked about it?

Also, when you say the doctor didn't care what your parents said, can you say more about that? What did you discuss with her?

[Oynx]

Dear, Carly.
Ok, so the doctor said that she does not care if my parents try to get her to tell them what we talk about. She said it is entirely my decision if she tells them. Also that it is up to me what I choose to tell her and what type of appointment it is and when. (In-person or call)
No my parents have not really talked to me about a therapist. The doctor however thinks it would be a good idea and asked me about it. Yes she is a doctor who works at the walmart walk in clinic. I can tell you more if you would like....
Just tell me what else you want..
-Oynx

[Carly]

Hey Oynx -- Thanks for clarifying what the doctor said, I just misunderstood what she said and wanted to make sure. It sounds like she offered you a great deal of autonomy, which is great. Would you like to see a therapist? If you do, maybe you can get some help from this doctor to help advocate for yourself with your parents?

[Oynx]

Dear, Carly
I am not sure, to be honest. I want to get a therapist because I know it would be really good for me but I really don't want to make anyone worry about me. What do you think? Do you think just talking to her would be enough from what I told you? The doctor also said something about giving me questions to answer... She was talking about solutions to make sure I am not put into the position of feeling depressed. Or that I have to hide things from my parents... I am not sure if I will ever be able to tell them that I am Bi and gender-fluid, to be honest. I wish I could but I don't think that day will ever come. Their point of view as well is they don't want me to come out and then I get bullied and made fun of or harassed for who I am. But at the same time, they are being those people who make me afraid to come out...
They think I am just a child that they need to protect but they won't open their eyes to see the young man I have become. They don't take the time to see that I am a 15-year-old man who is struggling to figure out my identity and who I am. I 15 year old who is sturrling with the fact that he is adopted and is left to wonder did they really love me at all? Was I a mistake? I am sturgling to hold up who I am inside and still be the person everyone expects me to be. To keep up a social life get a job, keep my marks up to extra-curicualar activities and put on a happy face at home and then ontop of all that do all those chores that I have.

[Carly]

Hey Oynx -- Based on what you've said, I do not believe just talking to this general/"body" doctor is enough to sort through how you're feeling. I do believe she can help with some preliminary things, but at the end of the day you would be better matched with someone who has a deeper specialty in mental health, especially while you're working through a lot about your identity. It sounds like there is so much pressure for you at home. I understand not wanting others to worry about you, but you cannot let worrying about how others will feel get in the way of the support you need. Also, not everyone who seeks therapy is in a deep, dark place when they do. Does any of this help sway you one way or the other?

[Oynx]

yes, thank you I agree

[Oynx]

I agree that I need a better suited doctor for my needs

[Mo]

Since it sounds like you'll be going back to see this doctor in a few weeks, maybe you could tell the doctor you're interested in seeing a therapist. Doctors are often able to give referrals out to other specialists; she might know of someone she thinks would be a good fit for you. She might also be able to make that recommendation to your parents in a way that would make them more likely to agree to let you see someone.

[Oynx]

Hi, Mo thank you so much for your help. I have also been talking to Sam on this matter on the chat. She suggested that I try to get this doctor to suddely recomend an LGBQT friendly therapist so it looks like it's just a regular youth therapist.
Do you have any more advice for therapy or how to keep my journal safe?
I know once I get my phone back I have a journal app that is password protected as well as my finger print so they can't get in their because I don't give them the password and I change it often.

[Sam W]

Hi Onyx,

In addition to asking the doctor for the referral, I think it might be helpful for you to figure out what things you'd most like to be able to prioritize with a therapist. That way, you could mention those things when the doctor is helping you with the referral. For instance, since you've experienced psychosis, you may want to ask for a therapist who knows how to appropriately address those symptoms.

As for the journal, given your parent's disregard for your privacy, keeping it outside of the house may be your best bet. Or finding a way to have a digital one that you could access from a computer so they wouldn't be able to find a physical copy.

[Oynx]

Hi, Sam.
I do actually have a secret file on my google drive with a journal that only me and now you know about actually,,,
Also 3 questions for you. Has those people from the foster system responded to you at this moment do you know if you will open the chat later and right now do you have any more advice?

[Sam W]

I think that spot on the drive should be the only spot you use as a journal for the foreseeable future, since the physical copy just isn't safe. I haven't heard back from the agency yet, but I'll have chat on later in the day during the listed hours if you want to go in there and talk about some potential next steps.

[Oynx]

Yes, I would that would be amazing.
Also I am only going to do what you said about the drive