questions about parents' masturbation/sex shame

[iloveeveryone]

(contains description of incidents that can be triggering)

Today I heard my mother talking to her sister about kids masturbating and implying that it is a very bad thing for kids to do. This made me remember two incidents from when I was 4-6 years old, when I received unfair consequences for masturbating (once I was spanked and once I was told I wouldn't get dinner that night, even though I got it eventually). This made me angry today, and I decided to get help here. I also worry about my parents' attitudes toward sex today, which is a major issue for me even without my anger at them for treating me like that when I was small. I have these questions.

1. I think about these childhood incidents only sometimes, when paired with thinking about my parents' other attitudes that I hate. Also, I don't think they affect . Still, do you think they must be affecting me somehow? I feel like crying right now, thinking about that little girl who was hit and who thought she wouldn't get food, even though I don't remember my emotional reactions at that time to the incidents. Basically: I realize that these were major incidents. I want to know how to think about them now.

2. I want to have a deep conversation with myself to get to the bottom of how I feel about these incidents. I want to find their place in my life. How do I go about that?

[Sofi]

Hi iloveeveryone! I'm so sorry you were harshly punished as a child for masturbating, and that it's been a cause of distress in your life. It's not fair to punish anyone, let alone someone so young, for something they didn't even understand or see as "right" or "wrong". It's completely valid for you to be angry and upset about these events, but I can't tell you how to think about them because that's up to you. I think it's great you're looking to dive deep and apply introspection to figure out your feelings about this. It's common for such events to still have an effect on us as teenagers and even adults, especially if they're still holding those attitudes about sex. Are you considering talking to them at all, or are you looking to do the work on your own so that you can sort our your feelings and try to move past this? And have you had a chance to talk to a mental health professional about any of this? That might be a good place to start since they can really help get to the bottom of your feelings about this and process them properly.

[iloveeveryone]

Thank you for saying these things!

I do want to evaluate my feelings around this!

I plan to do the work of removing masturbation shame on my own. I don't think talking to them is a good idea because I am sure they will be angry and grossed out, and don't know what they will do after this initial reaction. Sexual shame is so deeply ingrained in India!
What are things I might gain by talking to my parents?

I am also wondering about whether I do need to think deeply about this or not. Maybe it is not really affecting me, given I do masturbate with almost no bad thoughts about it. I don't know!

About a mental health professional, I would love going to one! I have thought about it, but I have no idea about therapists in India, how affordable and how good they are. Where can I do research about this?

[Carly]

Hey iloveeveryone -- ultimately you're the expert on your parents here, not us. If your gut feeling is not to discuss it with them, that's totally ok! There are some issues in my life I've chosen to not confront my parents about because I know they won't be receptive to hearing my feedback and won't change their behavior. In those cases, I've chosen to work on looking at how those feelings manifest in my beliefs and behavior - much like how you're hoping to do! If you did want to talk to them, and you think they'd be willing to be open to this kind of conversation, you could gain some closure. Best case scenario, they examine their own shame and recognize how it could have impacted you. But I want to emphasize that you don't need to necessarily include them to heal and move past how you're feeling if you're not sure how it will go. Do you have any more thoughts on this?

As for wondering whether or not you need to talk about this actually - I am a big fan of talking about and through everything, even if I'm not sure if it's something that's influencing me. Especially because I've learned the things I didn't think bothered me too much when I was younger have come up A LOT as I've gotten older. To me it sounds like you've got some stuff you'd like to work through here, even if you can masturbate without feeling guilty outright.

As for finding a mental health professional in India, it's a little out of my element because I'm American and not familiar with the systems in India. Any time I've needed to find information like this, I've consulted Google to find physician databases where clients can leave reviews. Though I did use Google to see what I could find for you, I'm not totally comfortable sharing the things I found because I can't personally speak to their quality and I'd hate to refer you to something that's harmful. I believe we do have volunteer who lives in India who might be able to suggest some resources for you - I will make a note for her.

EDIT: Heard from Urna, our volunteer in India. She said that her go-to resource is this crowdsourced list of mental health professionals based in India prepared by the iCall Psychosocial Helpline. Entries are categorized according to the city the professional is based in, their age group, whether or not they're avowedly welcoming of LGBTQ folks, etc.