Struggling to finish

[happymonk13]

For a few years I had been a fairly frequent masterbater. A couple months ago, my boyfriend who took my virginity touched me/ate me out for the first time and I orgasmed like normal. The next few times, he’d do the same to me but we’d move on to another sex thing before I could finish. Nothing weird had happened until he went down to get me to finish the next times.
While he’d be doing it my clit would become insanely sensitive; like how it would feel post-orgasm. It only seems to happen when he’s using his fingers and not his tongue on my clit, no matter how much pressure or speed. It’s happened pretty much every time he’s tried to stimulate my clit, and I can feel like I’m really close to finishing and he can keep doing the same thing but the feeling will go away and I won’t finish.
I’m still able to masturbate and orgasm like normal, and what my boyfriend is doing isn’t really much different, especially since he’s made me finish before.
I don’t understand what’s happening here or if something is causing it, whether physically or mentally. But we both want answers so we can have a sex life like normal. I really appreciate the feedback!!

[happymonk13]

I would also just like to note here that when I masturbate I am able to orgasm every time. And when I’d feel my clit become super sensitive, I know I hadn’t finished yet. I feel like that’s the thing blocking me from being able to finish because when that happens he can’t really touch me without it being uncomfortable. And I have never felt this feeling during masturbation.

[Carly]

Hey happymonk13 -- welcome to the boards! Struggling to orgasm is a really common issue our users bring here. The first thing I always bring up to folks is how being aware of the struggle itself can get in the way of finishing, both with a partner or by yourself. Frustration, confusion, or pressure can become a mental block. It doesn't sound like this is something that carries over to when you're masturbating, so I'm wondering about how you feel when you're with your boyfriend. Do you feel any pressure to orgasm, especially when it's taking long? Does he seem frustrated or impatient?

And, it sounds like this primarily happens when your boyfriend is using fingers, right? When you're together, do you communicate what feels best or what you'd like him to do?

[happymonk13]

I don’t really think I feel pressured to finish. It’s more just a annoying that it’s become like this when it was fine before. I feel like if it weren’t for the weird intense feeling I get, I’d be able to orgasm. What he does feels good and is similar to what I do myself. I just feel like that intense feeling is what is getting in the way? I have no idea what causes it though, if it’s something specific? That’s really what I want to know.

I have given him suggestions before but it never stood out to me that I’d need to tell him a lot because what he’s doing should get me there. Maybe I’m wrong, I’m not sure.

The other day I actually felt close to finishing- the closest I had gotten since the intense feeling popped up; and he really hadn’t been doing anything different than normal.

I think we have pretty good communication. He feels frustrated with himself and thinks the problem is on him, that he’s not doing a good enough job. When clearly he’s done it before and gotten me close plenty of times.

[Carly]

I hear what you're saying, happymonk13. I also want to say that, based on how you're talking about it, it does sound like you're experiencing from frustration. You're talking about feeling annoyed and what you think should be happening, maybe some mild resentment for your body doing something you're confused about. Though I know this feels like a physical problem, I want to emphasize that at the end of the day our biggest sexual organ is in fact our brains. I'm not saying that we can't work through the physical feeling you're experiencing, but we do find that a lot of these barriers to orgasm end up being emotional/mental.

Even though your boyfriend is doing something similar to what you do when you masturbate, it's possible that you have different preferences in different situations. Our bodies are all so different; what can get one person to orgasm might not feel good for another person. I know that you haven't had any trouble before, but it sounds like things have changed, and sometimes that's an indicator that something about what you do together needs to change too. Is there something you wish he would do more or less of? I think you mentioned this problem seems to be mostly when he uses his fingers.

When you say that your boyfriend feels frustrated with himself and that he's not doing a good enough job, I assume he's told you that. How does it make you feel when he says that?

[happymonk13]

Before I never used to walk into these situations actively thinking or worried that I wouldn’t orgasm. Now I’m worried that because I’ve sat down to think about it ill be thinking about it then when we do it again, and it might be worse.

I don’t know how I’d get rid of that mental block if that’s what is stopping me.

[Sofi]

I think it'd be helpful to read this piece from our founder Heather, where they discuss this idea that we have to orgasm during partnered sex. Not all of it applies to your situation, but some does, such as this quote: "...sexual satisfaction is about more than orgasm, and whether or not a sexual experience is satisfying for us or our partner may or may not have squat to do with orgasm. After all, sometimes we can orgasm from sex or masturbation that really didn't feel satisfying at all." You mentioned you feel an uncomfortable feeling on your clit, like it's too sensitive, and that's what's mostly frustrating. I can advise two things: one, that you try to stop when it gets uncomfortable and move on to doing things that don't cause discomfort, so disregard the urge to orgasm during partnered sex. If you do this for a bit, you'll likely get out of your head and then the orgasm might happen when you're not even trying. The other option is to keep experimenting with things like less pressure, slower speed, etc. This could also mean he doesn't use his fingers, but only his tongue (based on what you told us, but you can try different combinations). It's not rare for clits to get very sensitive and sometimes people with a penis don't understand just how sensitive they get because they don't experience it, so it's always good to give specific instructions about how (or how not, or how fast, or how hard, etc) to do things so that you don't feel discomfort. The most important thing here, really, is that you change the way you have sex--or rather, the reason. If you're having sex just for the pleasure and intimacy, and don't even worry about whether you'll orgasm or not, you'll be surprised how taking that pressure off can change the outcome.