Compulsive masturbation?

[Starsnsloths]

I have a bad habit of thrusting my hips or squeezing and rubbing my legs together or swiveling my hips when I'm around others/alone that I don't realize I'm doing it and that its hard to stop it or predict it because it happens unconsciously. I don't know if this is sexual for me- I feel like it could be, or normal or healthy or what this even counts as. My relationship with masturbation is often fear of hurting myself or remembering past scary things I've seen from youtube/internet or scary intrusive thoughts I can have especially during xxx. I can feel anxiety, frustration, impatience usually because I want to continue the pace and pressure I'm at when I'm thrusting alone on purpose but I can't seem to. And vibrators hurt as well atleast the first 2-3 times and I don't want to hurt my body more than it already has been. Even the vibration of a vibrator on my hand can be too much. I'm not even really ready to masturbate anymore I'm just asking this so I can know what's healthy. The reason I'm not ready anymore is because it leads to intrusive thoughts around family or in public and it makes me feel unwillingly exposed like they are judging me and it feels like they are judging me as well. Like they are concerned and tired of me- ugh! her goes Starsnsloths with sex again! I just don't believe it's a good idea to continue xxx or xxx porn until I start feeling and believing that people can't tell what I'm thinking. Also, I will know what I feel more after I have the right medicine which I'm slowly increasing- I'm on my first dosage as I was perscribed- ziprasidone.
What are your thoughts? Thanks!!!! I'm waiting for my next doctor's appointment and to have my first therapy appointment

[Sam W]

Hi Starsnsloths,

So, a lot (if not most of us) have fidgets that we do without noticing sometimes, and that could very well be what you're describing here. When you notice yourself doing them in public, does it feel like you're pursuing the sensation because it feels good? Or does it feel even more "mindless" than that, like you might feel if your were twirling your hair or bouncing your knee?

I'm glad to hear you have appointments with both a doctor and a therapist soon! Hopefully the therapist can work with you on managing those anxieties and intrusive thoughts. In the meantime, when you start worrying that everyone is judging you when you have sexual thoughts, it can help to remember that other people can't read our thoughts, so unless we say something they're not going to know what's going on in our heads, you know?

[Starsnsloths]

For me the feelings of fidgeting aren't anything I can feel myself doing often, other times often as well, I feel good when I fidget because of worry about if I'd stop if I'd be working against my body, like not letting my body work as natural as my mom has told me. As for the people can't read our thoughts thing would you reccomend it taking time and practice for me to get used to doing masturbation in a healthy way and working on reminding myself that people can't tell what I'm thinking? Because for me masturbation in the past has been unhealthy because it was painful or uncomfortable. Also to me, I struggle with believing that people can't read my thoughts- I know its not real as in people would disagree but it feels real to me, and can often seem like I'm right about other people being "offended" from reading my thoughts. Thanks!!!!!

[Sam W]

I would actually suggest you continue taking a break from masturbation for the next little while; right now it's so tied up with a lot of negative feelings and thoughts that trying to push through them might end up making you even more anxious or unhappy. As you start untangling the underlying causes of those feelings in therapy (or notice them lessening as a result of medication), you may find that exploring masturbation is actually fun again, instead of being stressful.

As for trying to shake the feeling other people can read your thoughts, that's another thing to address when you get to see your therapist. In the meantime, sometimes just reminding yourself "this is not a thing other people can do" can at the very least lessen the intensity of the worry. Too, it may help to remember that most people are pretty inward focused; they're not spending all their time scrutinizing others, they're thinking about themselves and their actions and what they have to do that day, so even though it might feel like everyone is noticing you or something you're doing, that's unlikely to be the reality.

[Starsnsloths]

Ok! Thanks!!!!! I will not do xxx and xxx media for a little while. Thank you guys so much for helping me!!!!! (I've asked other questions on here as you probably already know)

[Mo]

We're happy to help!