I feel trapped in one giant contridiction

[wolfcub]

I'm 23, have ADHD, still a virgin (though I've somewhat lost my ability to care) and for a long time, I've quit dating because I haven't been able to figure it out. I've always been a pretty active person but lately I haven't found any places to reliably meet women my age, let alone ones I'd want to date. My hobbies include exercising, geek related stuff like games and anime, and drawing and posting stuff online. However, these things have either resulted in me being completely alone or at a place with all guys. People keep saying that I need to "get a hobby with more women" but that means fundamentally changing myself to meet the expectations of others and it's just made me look desperate (trust me, I have tried). I do my hobbies because I enjoy them, not because they are what I'm "supposed to be doing."

I guess I feel like everything is set up in a way that makes me feel like I need to fundamentally change myself to get any results, and even then it yields none. It's just made me feel unloved and unable to embrace who I am. The very concept of dating feels like it's lost its appeal to me because everywhere I go and try, the environment is never right. Everyone always talks about how dating nowadays is shallow and isn't real anymore, and that honestly just adds to the disconnect from everyone. I don't even know what I'm searching for in a date anymore if that's the case

I just don't know what to do anymore except give up on the very idea completely. All the advice I've been given so far feels like garbage and the passive approach hasn't really worked either. I just don't know what to do anymore

[Sofi]

Hey wolfcub.
I want to first say that I honestly understand what you mean when you say it seems like everything is set up in a way that makes you feel like you need to change yourself to find a partner. It can seem that way for a lot of us who are neurodivergent and have specific hobbies we stick to. The truth is, you don't actually have to change your hobbies or yourself as a person to find a partner, despite it seeming that way sometimes. There might be things you could change, though, such as how you approach women, or flirt with them, etc (but I can't tell because I don't know how you do it, so you might not be doing anything wrong here, I'm just giving an example). When we take on a new hobby that we don't enjoy just to meet new people it doesn't feel authentic, and being inauthentic is a big no in dating. After all, you want a partner that likes you for YOU, right?

I know you don't want to hear that you'll find someone and you shouldn't give up, and you say all advice you've gotten so far was garbage. We've given you lots of it, so I don't want to repeat it all if you don't find it helpful. So, you tell me, what do you need from us? Do you want a place to just vent, or can we give you any advice?

[wolfcub]

I honestly don't know. I don't know what it is I need. It just feels like I need to fight against every instinct that I have because nothing I do is ever "enough" to satisfy reality. It just feels like the only way to be even slightly happy is to keep going on the road I'm on and give up on the notion of dating entirely. Every game cafe and event I've been to so far has been nothing but a sausage fest, and there aren't any art events that interest me either

Hell, even my idea of what I find attractive seems unrealistic, due to the sheer lack of people that fit the criteria. Like I wasn't allowed to follow my natural instincts. I mean, a woman who was a geek, interesting and (as much as I hate to admit this part, being physically attractive wouldn't have hurt) just would never come up and it all felt unrealistic

I guess I just want a way to believe that I can date again. That I don't need to overthink and things will turn out ok. People keep saying that "the right person will come eventually" and "if I be myself, whatever stupid supernatural force will bring you two together," and I just want to believe that again

[Emily N]

Hi wolfcub,

The feeling of not being “enough” is totally awful, I’m sorry. It sounds super cliche, but it really is true - like Sofi said, just be being authentically yourself is “enough” and will likely be the best way of connecting with someone you want to date. I can imagine that it’s frustrating to feel like there aren’t very many people who you want to date in your hobbies, but there are definitely women who like anime, would identify as “geeky”, and who like to exercise! Are there other groups related to these hobbies you could try?

I guess another thing you could think about is what is driving you to want to date – do you feel societal pressure, do you want a romantic connection, etc? Are there other places you can get these needs met? (either in addition to or while taking a break from dating if that’s what feels best to you)

[wolfcub]

I guess the main drive was just finding a genuine romantic connection. I'm not really the kind of guy who is into casual or hookups, nor do I think I'd be good at it if I tried

In terms of "getting needs met", no. I don't think there is any place that can help with that. The places I go to have no one. Getting on dating apps was one of the worst decisions of my life. Honestly the only thing that I can even think of to do at this point is just volunteering at the local animal shelter and praying for the fucking best while at the same time, expecting nothing so I'm not disappointed when there is no one there but men or people in their 50s

I may as well not even call this a break from dating anymore because the word "break" feels like it implies that I have any control over who I meet or know where I can find them. Lately I've just been going about my life not expecting anything. I know I should hold out for hope but it's sincerely hard not to be fatalistic about all of this

[Sam W]

Hi wolfcub,

I mean, as someone who volunteers at an animal shelter I highly recommend pursuing that if it's something you want to do! Even if it doesn't put you in the path of a potential date, it can be really fun (and oftentimes adorable).

One of the more frustrating realities about dating is that, if you're someone who finds more formalized methods--be those apps, singles events, or even parents introducing people to each other--aren't a great fit for you, a lot of dating really does come down to patience and luck. That doesn't mean you can't be proactive in parts of it, like asking someone out if you're interested in them or taking steps around appearance, attitude, or hygiene that make you more likely to catch and hold someone's eye. But it means that, sometimes, you do kind of have to release expectations, particularly ones around the idea that there's some combination of actions and activities that will guarantee introduction of a partner into your life.

Reading your initial post in this thread, I wonder if it's worth evaluating the geeky and exercise spaces you're in to see why they're only bringing you into contact with guys. As a woman who's interested in a lot of "geeky" stuff and has pursued my fair share of athletic activities, I can say pretty confidently that there are lots of women who are, or want to be, in spaces with those interests. But most of us have also self-selected OUT of spaces that didn't feel welcoming in one way or another. So it may be worth investigating if there are spaces where you could pursue your interests that seem to have found a way to attract people of all genders.

[wolfcub]

I sincerely don't know why for sure. However, I think it just has something to do with the events I'm going to. The usual game cafe has these regular MTG and D&D events every week, which is basically my excuse for going. Not a lot of women show up to those events at all, and I honestly don't know why. It's not like we treat anyone badly there, at least as far as I can see. Occasionally, I find a woman or two come in to play one of the board games there. However, they always come with friends which means I can't get a word in. And I can't get them familiar with me because for whatever reason, I never see them back there again

As for the exercise spaces, it's literally just a YMCA, that's it. However, I rarely see literally anyone my age (let alone women my age) every single time I have gone there. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I'm going at the wrong time of day. All I know is that it drives me insane how completely isolating it all feels

I've heard so much about how geeky women purposefully close themselves off and only interact in small groups because they feel threatened by the rest of the geeky community, and how this generation in general, never wants to go outside and meet people anymore, and hearing it all is incredibly disheartening. I want to feel like there is something, literally ANYTHING, I can do to raise my chances of meeting people like this, but when I hear shit like this and see things that only reinforce it, it makes me feel powerless in the truest sense of the word

[Mo]

It's possible that women have had some bad experiences at the game cafe that you weren't aware of, but I realize you can't necessarily know that. I suspect that if you notice men coming in often and women coming in once or twice and not again, there may be something going on with the general atmosphere of the space that isn't feeling very welcoming.

One thing I will say, in terms of people being closed off or not wanting to go outside and meet people, is that a lot of folks are still being very careful due to the pandemic; while in many areas there are people acting like it's over, there's still a lot of risk. Many people are doing fewer social activities out in the world, for various reasons, and it often does make it a lot more difficult to meet people in person. I know this isn't something you can change, but I think it can be helpful to keep it in mind. It's a frustrating part of the pandemic but I know it's been a huge contributor in many people feeling more isolated or struggling to find friends, partners, or community in person.