Needing help to process something my friend told me.

[Rave]

So, I can't seem to be able to move on from this one thing that happened to my friend and now I'm trying to process it, I don't even know how I feel about it to be honest.

So when my friend was 19 he talked to a man in his 40s to come pick him up and have a hookup at this man's place. The thing is, my friend is bi and still in the closet, therefore he told no one where he was going to, with whom, in a not so public place and told this man generally where he lives. They met on a dating app btw.
He(my friend) didn't go to this stranger house in the end(thank heavens), because he got scared by the stuff this man wanted to perform on him, like fisting and peeing on him, not only that but this man got angry when my friend said no to those things.

This whole story makes my blood run cold in my veins and my friend decision is still puzzling me, like he told me he was horny and that's why he didn't think things through but idk, he was horny countless times before this incident but he never initiated anything ,not only that but he never tried anything ever since. I have so many questions about this whole thing, like from all the people on that app, why have a hookup with someone twice your age, like that age gap is a huge red flag to me, the man picking him up is another red flag, going to his place is again another red flag, that he didn't tell absolutely no soul about it.

How could my friend not see how dangerous this whole thing was from the get go? Like while listening to him, all i could hear was.

Phew, I really needed to get it off my chest.

[Sam W]

Hi Rave,

I'm with you that I am extraordinarily glad your friend didn't follow-through with this; it does sound like there were red flags everywhere. The tricky thing is, only he can really answer those questions you have, since only he knows what was going through his mind and what was driving those different decisions. Does this seem like something he still wants to talk about, or does he seem like he wants to not discuss it? Too, since it sounds like he's out to you, would you be comfortable being someone he could tell if he planned on hooking up with someone in the future?

[Rave]

Sorry for the very late reply, life got in the way.

So before posting on here, I asked him some of those questions in the post, he always chalks it to being horny and dumb, but I don't know, the way he talking when he is describing his experience on Grindr, he talks about being cautious and careful, so the fact that he went that far with that man is puzzling me, like what hell happened with that cautiousness of yours ? Your fear of STDs is huge, what happened to it?You definitely didn't sound so horry and so dumb that you couldn't think things through, it's looks like the opposite, you were being very conscious while on there. This one really puzzles me still. And why the hell someone that much older than you?

So I asked some more questions and it sounds(to me at least) like he didn't really sound like he was certain regarding what he wanted and didn't want out of this encounter, or any encounter for that matter, it didn't sound like he knew what his limits are, know how to negotiate with a sexual partner,what to do when things go south, or even doing this for the wrong reasons(all of above are just my assumptions,to be clear).

Like I literally wrote this out to him to show him how dangerous and vulnerable the situation was and he said it's funny how dumb he was. I can't with him sometimes.

And yes, I'm certain he will tell me if he intends on doing anything sexual and he wants to hear a second opinion. This whole thing happened before we met.

[Mo]

It can definitely take some people a while to figure out what their boundaries and limits around sex and relationships are! It's true, too, that sometimes risky behaviors can be a way to avoid dealing with other issues or part of a greater issue with impulse control. It sounds like your friend has a better understanding of how to be safe now, which is good!