I have a huge crush on my cousin sister

[Feluxedesiri]

I have a huge crush on my cousin sister I'm 3years older than her. I have tried to tell her on many occasions but I just cant. She knows I'm a lesbian and I don't know if she is a lesban. We are so close to each other and is funed of me. When I go to visit them we are really close we sleep together and do things to gather.she is a good listener and she is so willing to do anything for me. She tell people that we are closer than even sisters. I really want to tell her but I don't know how. And I don't know if she likes me too. Even tho she calls me her love and other sweet name.

[Heather]

Hey there.

I think the first thing I'd do in this situation is to assess if this blood-relationship wasn't too close for either of your comfort or well-being. There's more to talk about than that, but am I understanding that this is your first cousin?

[Feluxedesiri]

Yes she's my first cousin. And I'm older than her with 2years

[Heather]

You first said you were three years older, so I'm feeling a bit confused. But that's not all that important.

In most cultures and family systems, first cousins are generally thought to be too close in relation for healthy romantic or sexual relationships. And since this person seems to express feeling more like a sister to you, that tells me that this relationship in particular is probably by all means too close family-wise for it to be a good idea to have it be anything but a platonic, family relationship like it is.

Do you think you can, or want to, maintain the non-sexual, non-romantic close relationship with her like you have had without it being painful for you? Or do you feel like you might need to create some distance so you can let this crush fizzle out some first, perhaps even start trying to date *outside* your family system, and maybe then circle back to being close like this again?

[Feluxedesiri]

I don't think it will be easy for me to maintain the relationship like this. I think I will just keep away from her for now. And about me dating for now I don't think I can because I have tired it but it didn't work. And when I tried keeping my distance she suspected something was wrong and always requested that I tell her what is wrong or if she did something wrong and at that point I feel like I'm hurting her and instantly gets confused. I was thinking of telling her how I feel and that I wanted to end it because it's not right. Should I do that?

[Feluxedesiri]

I just feel like if she finds out how I feel she might tell me it's not right and we will not be as close as before and I think then it might help me end it. But I still have a problem in figuring how to tell her. I still don't know if I have the courage to tell and and how could you help me with that.

[Heather]

You know, personally, I don't think that sharing these feelings with her really is the way to go. This is only my opinion, but it is a pretty educated one (I've worked in this arena now for over two decades).

I also don't feel like it's fair or particularly kind to try and share something with someone you think will make them feel bad or horrified so that they do something you know you should really do. If you actually care about this person, I don't think I understand why you would do that to them, you know?

What do you think the benefit of knowing you have these feelings would be to her? Or would sharing them with her only be for you?

[Feluxedesiri]

Ok I think I understand. I'll try and hide it considering she will feel bad knowing that I'm distancing myself from her. I'll just hide it because of the love I have for her and for things not to get really uncomfortable between us.

[Carly]

Hey Feluxedesiri -- I think this sounds like a good decision given the situation. Do you have a plan for how you want to distance yourself from her?

[Feluxedesiri]

Maybe I'll reduce my visiting to her place. And i will also reduce the way we chat on WhatsApp maybe it might help me.
But the problem is that she is always going to suspect that I'm distancing myself from her. And at that point she will really want to know why. What do I do at that point?