ace/aro, trauma or...?

[Lyle Lanley]

hello scarleteen. this is a doubt that has been tormenting me for years, so it might be a long post and i apologise.

the first exposures to love that i had, were cishet couples. my mum and dad, disney princesses, other cartoons, which also included children dating (obv cishet, cos gods forbid a child knows they're not that).
i didn't know the meaning of "gay" until i was 8. and even then i thought it was something weird and rare. not until my then best friend came out when we were about 10, i knew it was normal. but maybe this is not what the topic is about, even if it's worth mentioning that i was raised knowing cis-het-allo-mono as "the norm" and conditioned to it.

now, i have been having "crushes" but they were different. it's always been for fictional characters, VIPs, and the only people in my life i enjoyed fantasizing about were much older, parents' age, like teachers, summer camp entertainers, or parents' friends. 2/3 times it was cishet men, 1/3 times women or other identities (which threw me off a bit tbh. i define myself as bi but have a big preference for men/masc ppl).

real life people, who were also my age, i never really felt attraction to. i had to "choose" them, cos that's how i thought it worked.

but something that happened is that i did get "crushes" on real ppl my age, but it was mostly if not only online. first time it happened was with a girl i met on a train, with which i exchanged my whatsapp numbers and chatted for a while. i did have some sort of attraction to her but it wasn't sexual. it was somewhat platonic, but too strong to be just friendship. perhaps qp/alterous?

and i felt the same with my current partner whom i met online and have been with for a year, and he's acearo, but our relationship evolved to something that doesn't quite encompass labels, we do call eachother boyfriend though.

and there's my qpp, whom i also met online. this time, i would fantasize about sexual things with them, but it's cos i didn't know them so well, and i had only one specific fantasy (which i won't get into right here). but it faded away once we were officially qpps.

tl;dr: grew up hetero(etc)normative, can only feel sexual/romantic attraction to ppl "detached" from my reality (fictional/famous/realistically too old), have had three alterous/qp crushes which all have distance affection in common, and am currently involved with two of them.

[Valerie J]

Hello!

Thanks for writing us. To start, I think it might be helpful for you to check out a few of our pieces on asexuality to see if it resonates with you.

Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer

Am I asexual?

Do you have a specific question or thing that you are "doubting" as you put it? What would be the most helpful for us to discuss?

Additionally, I wanted to say that so much of what you described is super common, especially in the ace community. As someone on the ace spectrum myself I can tell you it is extremely common for ace people to have sexual or romantic feelings for fictional and famous people and for people who might not be realistic for you to actually engage with. The world of fiction or fandoms are great spaces for ace people, or people who feel low sexual desire in relationships with non-fictional people, because there's so much to be explored without needing to engage at all. You can have an active self-sex life or just a fantasized one and it can be just as fulfilling as physical sexual intimacy can be.

So I'm not going to go too much further without clarifying what it is you want to discuss but I just wanted to say from my first overview, you are not alone! And it is totally okay if you don't have a name or full idea of what that looks like to you.

Val

[Lyle Lanley]

hi valerie and tysm for the answer.

i want to just have some more clarity on my identity. i know that i've only felt sexual/romantic feelings about people who wouldn't be realistically pursue-able, while i can have qpp/alterous feelings for ppl regardless of gender but preferibly t4t (might be a coincidence that communication was online for all of them. or maybe not)

also, the "trauma" part is what i have not mentioned. i've had unwanted physical experiences of sexual/romantic nature, all from cishet boys. and it always made me uncomfortable, icky and repulsed. but, when i think of doing the same things with my boyfriend, my qpp or a fictional character, it's nice to think about.

and two more questions. (1) is it normal for someone on the ace spectrum to m****rbate frequently and like it? (2) ... forgot the other question. oh well.

[Michaela]

I hear you on wanting to have some clarity on your identity. Asexuality is a spectrum and what you described can fit within it if that label feels right for you and you want to label your sexuality. Is knowing that right now what your sexuality looks like is

i know that i've only felt sexual/romantic feelings about people who wouldn't be realistically pursue-able, while i can have qpp/alterous feelings for ppl regardless of gender but preferibly t4t

feel like a place where you have clarity?

I want to jump to your question about masturbation. Yes, it is completely normal and there are many people who identify as asexual that masturbate frequently and find pleasure in it. The desire to masturbate does not negate any of your asexual feelings. On this note, I want to pass along one other resource AVEN: Asexuality Visibility & Education Network. This organization also has a forum function where you can read through more experiences of others who identify as asexual to see the wide range of experiences and feelings people have. Similarly, popping into the search bar on our website and going through the advice or other board posts that mention asexuality could also help to show you the diversity in this identity.

I am so sorry that you have had unwanted physical contact before and that definitely justifies the icky and repulsed feelings you mentioned. I'm glad that those experiences have not affected how you feel about similar contact with others. If your question here is curiosity about why it doesn't make you feel icky, it could be that in these other relationships or fantasies there is trust, good communication, a level of understanding or respect that makes you feel safe and makes those thoughts enjoyable. Does any of that resonate with you?

p.s. Feel free to ask that second question whenever you remember it!