am I edging myself?

[purple_triangle]

I've been masturbating for around three years and having partnered sex for around two and I haven't orgasmed yet. Recently my boyfriend and I have experimented with using my vibrator together, and I've always found that it gets to a point where it feels really sensitive and overwhelming, so we stop and do something else. My boyfriend said he did some research and found that a lot of people with clitorises say that it gets really overwhelming right before the orgasm, and maybe I should try to keep going through the overstimulation. He thinks by stopping when I do I might be accidentally edging myself. I've tried pushing through the sensitivity, but it just starts to feel like too much. A lot of the time when I stop though I feel kind of unfulflled like there's still tension in my abdomen waiting to be released, so I'm wondering if maybe he's right and I just need to keep going? Sometimes I've tried lowering the vibrator setting or using my fingers instead, but then that doesn't feel like enough stimulation. I also try not to think too hard about orgasming in the moment since I know that makes it harder, but I would like to be able to reach climax.

[Sam W]

Hi purple_triangle,

Your boyfriend may actually be onto something! To quote Heather from one of our articles on orgasm, "Another common response I get is that people with vaginas can get sooooo close to orgasm, but then pull back because things feel too intense. Orgasm IS intense. Not always crazy-intense, but it's intense, and that's a lot of why everyone wants to have one so bad. If you're feeling really close, but like one more touch will make you lose your mind, that's when you keep things going, not when you stop: getting over that hump tends to be what gets you to the orgasm. Too, though, if you're feeling suddenly HYPERsensitive, and just can't take any touch at all, it's likely you HAD an orgasm already. Sometimes, people have unrealistic expectations about what orgasm even feels like."

Do you feel like either or both of the things they're describing in that quote match up with your experiences?

[purple_triangle]

Hm I feel like the first one sounds more accurate? I usually lower the vibrator setting when it gets intense so that I don't hurt myself and hten it's not too much, so it's not that I can't take any touch at all. I'm pretty sure I've never had an orgasm based on the tension that stays in my body but I guess it could be possible that my orgasms are just underwhelming compared to what I've read about?

[Sam W]

Hi purple_triangle,

It's certainly possible that that's a factor! Orgasms are way more variable in terms of intensity than we might think, and sometimes they can feel pretty mild. But, if you're noticing there's still that tension in your body when you stop, rather than you feel oversensitive AND kind of relaxed or like the initial tension is gone, then that does point to an orgasm not having happened yet.

Do you feel like you, or you and your partner, could experiment with leaning into the intensity like Heather recommends to see what happens?

[purple_triangle]

I've tried before but it just feels really hard to keep going. I could try asking him to not stop, but unfortunately we're currently long distance while we're at separate colleges so it's just me and my vibrator for a while and I don't know how to force myself to keep the vibrator going.

[Mo]

I think forcing yourself isn't likely to feel great, but it could be something to think about, when you get that impulse to pull the vibrator away. Not to make yourself keep going, but maybe to experiment with waiting a few more seconds to stop, even, or just to evaluate how you're feeling in that moment and if you want to try leaning into the intensity of that feeling.

[purple_triangle]

I've masturbated a few times since posting this and I tried leaning into the feeling more but it still didn't put me over the edge. In fact, I've found I sometimes seem to get desensitized to the vibrator and I end up accidentally setting the vibrator to the rhythm setting just above the highest steady speed, which frustrates me. I also find that after a while I start feeling frustrated because I just want to finish so I can go back to doing other stuff, and I know the frustration just makes things worse, but if I stop too soon then the sensations distract me.

[Carly]

Hey purple_triangle - you're so right, starting to think about your frustration definitely contributes to continued issues in this arena. I'm sorry if I'm missing or forgetting details here, but am I right when I say that you're primarily using a vibrator and sometimes try your fingers? I'm wondering if this sensation simply doesn't work for you. Our bodies are all so different, and something to try to remember with that is sometimes that means not liking something we feel like we're supposed to like. Sure, vibrators are popular because they work well for a lot of folks, but that's not going to be everyone. This resource and this resource have collected some ways that people can masturbate, maybe there's something that works better for you in here?