I hardly feel anything masturbating with my hand F(27)

[WeirdIdeas000]

I watched porn for 14 years since I was a very young teen. I had my first orgasm with a sex toy when I was 18. I got hooked on to porn because I realized I didn't need any sex toy other than my hand to orgasm. My girlfriends always sucked to be honest. It was always me pleasuring them and then when it was their turn to pleasure me, they did it but with in a very passive way and that was a turn off for me. I would often have to think about porn to get off while they were going down on me. In my free time I would also watch porn and get off because I wasn't satisfied.

Last year, I started talking to the most amazing woman ever over the internet. We fell madly in love and I told her about how I was hooked to porn. We tried phone sex and I couldn't orgasm for the first 4 months.. Until she suggested I quit porn, which I did. My hand still wouldn't do the job. So.. I got myself a vibrator. It was the combination of the vibrator plus all the naughty talk we do over the phone that have given me the best orgasms of my life. I just don't like that I've become dependent on the vibrator to orgasm.

I recently went 3 weeks without using the vibrator at all and just my hand. It took me anywhere from 35 minutes to an hour simply to orgasm and that was only like twice. My hand feels okay but it's nothing extraordinary. I know what I'm doing with my hands but it's not enough to get me excited. I do fantasize about my long distance gf and everything and I masturbate with my hand and I feel like I'm close but my hand just isn't enough.. and I have to reach for my vibrator. It just takes a good 30 seconds to finish the stuck orgasm. I'm not sure what to do. I already went 3 weeks without the vibrator and masturbating manually without any help was the most frustrating thing ever . My hand kept feeling the same the entire time. Maybe I should totally ditch it ? Does anyone have any advice ? I haven't been with a woman physically since last year because I fell in love with this woman and I'm planning on being with her but I don't want to disappoint her.

[Sam W]

Hi WeirdIdeas000,

Before we dig into the details of this situation, can you say a little more about why you don't like feeling "dependent" on a vibrator? It sounds like a sexual aid that's been really beneficial to you in terms of pleasure, including pleasure during long-distance interactions with your partner.

[WeirdIdeas000]

Hi WeirdIdeas000,

Before we dig into the details of this situation, can you say a little more about why you don't like feeling "dependent" on a vibrator? It sounds like a sexual aid that's been really beneficial to you in terms of pleasure, including pleasure during long-distance interactions with your partner.

Because a vibrator's battery might die out at any moment or might have a malfunction and boom. There goes my steamy night. I hate that I'm only able to orgasm using my hand if I watch porn. I know my body is fully capable of orgasming all on its own but I haven't unlocked that power yet.

[Michaela]

Hi WeirdIdeas000,

I first want to address the fact that a lot of people find engaging in some type of fantasy to be really necessary and enjoyable during sex, so it is not an unusual thing that you are describing. Fantasy can also look like a lot of different things, porn included, but also imagination, writing, audio, etc. We have this article How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own if you want to read about it in a little more detail. On the note of sex toys, some people also simply find using vibrators and other sex toys the most enjoyable because, obviously, they can do quite a bit more than hands. And that is totally fine too!

However, I hear you about being interested in switching things up. Our brain is our largest sex organ so what you are thinking about is incredibly important. I'm curious what your mindset is like when you approach masturbation with only your hands. Are you feeling very goal oriented? Are you getting frustrated?

Having an open mind and curiosity about what feels good or pleasurable without pressure to perform in a certain way is super important. What that could look like is switching the way you think about this type of masturbation away from "I need to be able to do this a certain way" to "I'm curious about how it feels if I try this, or this, or these things together," for example.

Does some of that make sense or resonate with you?