I feel a deep regret about my past actions

[greenergrass333]

Hello, I am currently 15 and Male, and this all started around the age I was 11-12. Little bit of a warning this post discusses topics of diapers and everything that comes with that, I would like to also apologise if I give too much information. Around that age (11) I think I realised I had a diaper kink and there for the first time I went to the shops and bought some hopeful to try something I’ve always wanted to before. It was great but scary if my parents found out I tried lots of things in them, things I’ve seen in pornography online, such as urinating and soiling them and trying to squish it afterwards etc. and then one morning whilst trying to dispose of the evidence my mum was enquiring as to what was going on and I felt guilty so I spilled the beans, she seemed very relaxed about it however just wanted more education on it herself asking for me to send her articles which I never did. About a year later (12) I would go on to get some again and it would continue like this on and off for the next two years (13-14) at times I’d buy multiple packets or at other times only one, sometimes I’d use only a few before throwing them all out other times id use everyone. Sometimes I wouldn’t even use a diaper and just use a large piece of toilet paper I’d sandwich with my hand close to my bum and then excrete onto that and squish it in. And in diapers I would try putting bananas in and squishing them, I would masturbate, urinate and even soil and try squishing it. Once I even tried using a massage gun through the diaper as a vibrator At the time this all felt fine and good but a little wrong to be doing and I definitely knew I was different to other people but it didn’t bother me that much. However now I am 15 and I do not feel good about these actions, I feel slightly sick at the fact I’ve done this, the fact I’m different, especially different to my female friends, and feel like I’ve ruined my childhood by acting in such ways, In the past I’ve wished I never had this kink but now I just feel regret at my previous actions, can anyone give me advice on simply anything. What should I do? Should I be regretting this? Is this really a negative thing?

[Nicole]

Hi greenergrass333, thank you for reaching out! I am so sorry that you have been having these thoughts about your past actions. Please understand that everyone explores their sexuality in different ways, so there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Please do not let this “haunt” you. You are worth more than what you did in the past. After all, you were quite young and it was what you found pleasurable at that time. You do not need to be regretting anything and it is not a negative thing. You did not hurt anyone as a result of your actions so it is okay to move forward. What made you start thinking about this period in your life particularly? Is there anything that triggered these emotions about this period in your life? If we can figure out what caused this recollection, then maybe we can work on preventing it from happening again. Take care!

[Sam W]

Hi Greenergrass,

In addition to what Nicole said, I think it might also be helpful to think about why being or feeling different from your friends is creating feelings of distress for you. Too, it may also help to remember that you can't actually know the details of your friends sexual interests, and it's very possible that some of them have things they enjoy or fantasize about that they also fear makes them "weird."