Accepting my sexuality

[Andy]

Sorry, I probably just have to accept that I'll always act and feel like shit a few days around my period... it's not even that bad, I just hate that it affects my interactions with other people, apart from posting without thinking here I get much easier into fights with my parents. And one of the results of the last one is that they won't let me continue working when school starts again. And I'll miss that a lot, not only because of the money but also the sense of independence and a chance to do something with a purpose and forget about myself for a while... And I hate that they are probably right, I wouldn't be able to continue working, not when my health problems get worse again. I already have a hard time managing just my responsibilities at home sometimes. And that inevitably leads to one of my fears - that I won't ever my able to live on my own just because some stupid minor health problems. I despise being a prisoner of my own body...

Another thing I want to complain about, if that's still okay, is the relationship with my friend. Literally anything related to her makes me so stressed that I'm practically unable to communicate with her at all. Our communication the last few days consists almost only of her sending funny/sexy scenarios and ideas she made up about a story she is writing or her teacher (they make me just really uncomfortable), and even when I reply just a few times a day, only with one or two words and to a small part of what she has written, she keeps on sending me those things. I know you suggested I text with her less so this should be a good thing, but I feel it can't go on like this much longer, it's too abrupt and I don't feel like I have any control over it, I'll either snap and tell her things I would regret later, or she'll get angry with me for ignoring her and tell her/my parents, or something might happen and I won't be there to help her if she needs it. I don't know if her behaviour means that she just doesn't care about my responses and just wants to share those scenarios with someone, or she knows I'm not well and wants to lift my mood with them, or she is letting me know she is patient and giving me another chance and doesn't want me to respond to everything... I know you can't know what she is thinking either, but I'd really appreciate some advice on what to do about it. I'm tempted to text her just "haven't you noticed it's useless trying to talk to me? Go find a better friend than me", but don't worry, I won't do that, hopefully.

[Sam W]

Hi Theansweris42,

Can I ask the reason your parents gave for telling you that you can't work during the school year? Lots of young people juggle school, home responsibilities, and work, and while that can certainly be stressful at times, it seems like having a job has been really positive for you overall. It may be worth suggesting that you continue working as school starts and only stop if it seems like it's really impacting your ability to do what you need to in school or your health.

I hate to say it, but that texting behavior just really falls into this pattern of your friend not seeing you as someone whose boundaries she needs to respect, because I know you've had conversations with her in the past about not wanting to hear these sexual things, especially involving her teacher. I know this friendship is important to you, and if you haven't told her explicitly to knock it off with these texts, doing that may be a way to give her a chance to correct (although, given her past reactions to you, I'm not super optimistic about that). Too, you could also say something like, "Hey, you know I'm not comfortable talking about this stuff, why do you keep sending it?" to see if her explanations line up with what she's done in the past.

[Andy]

Well, I'm laughing at myself, I asked for an advice and then did something totallydifferent, sorry...
Instead of what you suggested I texted her this
"Sorry for being the way I am lately, I can't quite explain why I'm like this, mostly I don't know myself
I don't know what to do or what to say, so I'll leave it up to you
I can try to respond to some of your latest messages later if you want, I don't know why does all the sex related stuff make me uncomfortable, but I'll try"
(I know how stupid and pathetic it sounds..)

And her reply was: "Well, you don't have to respond to that, but maybe just let me know next time that something makes you uncomfortable? I've been feeling like shit lately cause neither you nor my boyfriens have much time for me... And look, I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying. It makes me feel incredibly lonely."
(Sorry for copying the whole conversation, I just don't want to make anything seem different than it is by paraphrasing it)

I have totally underestimated my capability to have this conversation with her, I just broke down crying after this one message... On the one hand I don't want my only purpose to be staving off her loneliness but on the other hand isn't this exactly what friends are for? And I feel so bad, I know myself how it sucks to feel lonely and I don't want to cause it to anybody... I no longer know what's wrong or right... am I the bad friend? Is she? Am I doing something wrong? Is it wrong that I'm asking here for advice about this? Have I hurt her? Can I make it right...?

[Valerie J]

Hi

So it sounds like this conversation was pretty triggering for you which can lead to a lot of overwhelming emotion so let's pause for a moment and just take a big breath.

I'm not sure binaries of right and wrong or good or bad may be helpful to you right now. So maybe let's just break down the conversation.

You have been avoiding responding to this person because when you set boundaries about the type of content she sends you, she continued to cross those boundaries. So thus far, you not responding has been you taking the precautions one needs when one's boundaries have been crossed. You do not owe a reply to someone who has been repeatedly warned that this type of message upsets you. So any frustration she has with your lack of communication has to do with her own actions - not yours. You are not ao "bad friend" or "wrong" for making space for yourself and your needs.

Ultimately, you are not causing her loneliness. Her behaviors in your friendship have created a massive riff between you both. And to bring up the fact that you not responding to that content makes her feel lonely is deeply unfair to you. It makes it seems like you setting boundaries directly links to her being lonely. That is a manipulative way to get around for not apologizing for making you uncomfortable and crossing boundaries. Friends are not there because the other person has REQUIRED their assistance - it's a two-way street of mutual support and communication. It's hard to communicate to someone who manipulates your words. On top of that, you've named that you have stronger feelings than friendship for her so sexual boundaries being cross have even more meaning.

You wrote:

Sorry for being the way I am lately, I can't quite explain why I'm like this, mostly I don't know myself
I don't know what to do or what to say, so I'll leave it up to you

I want to unpack this if you are willing to. What are you apologizing for? It sounds like you're apologizing for your existence and the boundaries you NEED to maintain a healthy life. What are you "leaving up to her"? It sounds like you are uncomfortable but confronting that seems hard.

I hear you. This is not an easy thing to set boundaries with someone who can make you feel like a bad person so easily. I am sorry you are in this situation. Would it be helpful going forward if we crafted some responses together?


I know you didn't mention it in the last couple of posts but if you would like to talk about being able to work while having health concerns and wanting more independence, this is something I have a lot of experience with and would be happy to talk out.

[Andy]

THANK YOU so much, just reading your kind and thoughtful words has made me feel much better, you are amazing ❤

I'm probably still not in the right mind set to think or talk sensibly about my friend. I'll try to sort my thoughts about it later, but what you're writing seems to make a lot of sense to me, thank you for saying it.

But if you had any ideas about some better responses I'd really appreciate it. I just don't want to ask for too much here.

And if you want to share some of your experience with those things you mentioned I would really appreciate it too!

[Emily N]

Hi there,

I can try giving some suggestions of ways to respond to your friend. I very much respect that you need more time to process and “think or talk” about your friend, so please only take these suggestions if they are helpful to you and take all the time you need! And I 1000% agree with valerie, you have nothing to apologize for to your friend, her loneliness is not your responsibility, especially if her actions are making you feel crummy.

Though you don’t owe her this explanation, you can still go back and explain why your texts have been shorter or less frequent, something along the lines of what Sam had suggested earlier while firmly restating your boundaries, like - “I’ve know I’ve said that the sexual texts you send make me uncomfortable and I don’t know how to respond to them. Please don’t send messages like this anymore, I’m going to stop responding to them altogether.” You can remind her you’re happy to talk about other topics. If you feel the need to apologize about her loneliness, frame it in a way that doesn’t place blame on you, like “I’m sorry you have felt lonely lately.” Then maybe you can come up with a solution for communicating that centers BOTH of you enjoying the conversation, not just her desires?

[Andy]

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

I hate the over-apologising myself. Some of you have advised me to learn to replace sorry with thank you and I think I'm getting used to it, but with her I still for some unreasonable reason always apologise for everything. Especially in instances like this when I want to show that I mean well, don't want to fight and am willing to own up to my mistakes.
I'm also grateful to you for saying that her loneliness isn't ultimately my mistake, I think it makes sense, I'm not blaming her for how I feel either, or at least I'm trying no to.

However, I wasn't able to continue the conversation, I was too stressed out at the moment, then there was a power cut due to a storm and now it'd be unkind to her, she is dealing with a lot of stress because her family member has got covid and another one is immunocompromised. I'm just sick of it all and angry, there are still new cases and poeple dying every day but there are no restrictions and nobody in the whole government seems to give a damn... just because the elections are coming. There are more and more people struggling to make the ends meet, prices of food, electricity, fuel and housing are skyrocketing and the only thing politicians seem to be doing is fighting about their corruption casea and sowing hatred and anger for their opponents among people. And bad times have always seemed to favour populist, extremist and hateful leaders. With everything thats happening including the crazy weather, I jus can't stop thinking about the Octavia's Butler Parable series... (in my opinion really great, thought-provoking and powerful books, if anyone was interested )
(Sorry for the apocalyptic/politics talk, I just wanted to vent a little, it's hard not to feel powerless and hopeless sometimes)
I also wanted to ask about one other thing, my parents (based on a doctor's recommendation) are forcing me to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist. They started talking about it a few months ago (I talked about it with Mo over chat back then), then they seemed to forget about it but now they aren't giving me any other choice. The thing is I just don't want to go, I know it seems stupid especially given all the complaining I always do here, so feel free to ask if you want to know why it scares me way more than it should. One problem is that noone has even explained me why they want me to go there when I asked and even though they haven't said it directly from the way they talk about it it seems like they just want a proof that something is wrong with me so they could blame things like my sexual orientation, health problems or our relationship on it...
I thought that if I take at least some control over the process of finding a provider it'd make me feel better about it but my mum refused to let me do that. I'm going away for a week with an orchestra I play in and I'm afraid they'll arrange it in the meantime without me having any say in it. Anyway, I just wanted to ask in advance before I'm too nervous about it if I can later ask some questions (about how do might some appointments and professional  mental health care in general look like) here even when it has nothing to do with sex ed.

[Heather]

Hey there, Theansweris42. I love Octavia Butler and particularly the Parable series, which I will never stop being sad wasn't able to have a third book.

I want to ask something that I apologize if I've asked before and you have already told me.

Do you currently have any relationships in your life that DO actually feel good to you, and make you feel good about yourself, with people who are good about boundaries, and just where, on the whole, the relationship nearly always feels like a really good thing for you?

To the best of my knowledge, your parents cannot actually force you into any medical care (including psychological care) you do not consent to, and no provider with an ounce of ethics would agree to see someone forced against their will to go like this. In fact, if it did happen that they went through with this, and made you an appointment with someone you didn't choose for yourself, I'd say the best thing to do would be to go to that appointment and inform the provider this, and they, were not your choice, and see what they say. Also, be aware that as an adult, no healthcare provider (and I double-checked for your nation) could share information about you with your parents without your express permission.

I do think that ANYONE you can find who can be someone in your corner that your parents also support you seeing could be a real win for you, you know? That's the only reason, since you are saying you really don't want this, I would consider agreeing to go: it might be that what they are actually doing, obviously very unintentionally, is providing you a way to actually get support you truly need and could use for yourself, as well as possible help when it comes to these relationships that feel so awful for you, and that you feel so trapped in. What do you think?

[Andy]

Thank you for taking the time to check hownit works in my country. Problem is that two of my mum's friends are psychologist and I'm not sure how professional they would be in this regard. But I guess there's no point in being stressed about it when it's not even sure anyone will even take new patients, it's still hard to get any kind of mental health care since the pandemic and war in Ukraine as far as I know.
But thanks to you I at least have some plan if it really happens.

It feels weird to say it, but no, I don't have any other deeper relationships and right now I'm not in regular contact with anyone else except my family and my friend. When the school starts I hope I'll at least be still accepted and revive some friendships, but I've never been close to anyone there. I know/used to know a lot of people but I feel like I rarely every fit in...

[Heather]

I actually expected that was the answer, and I am sorry that it is. It makes it so much harder to let go of, or at least loosen our attachment, to unhealthy relationships when they feel like the only ones we have. Unfortunately, too, if our only relationships all leave us in a bad place, feeling crap about ourselves, it can be hard to forge new ones that are healthy, because of everything from how much harder it is to trust people and put ourselves out there, to the exhaustion of our current relationships, to not even knowing how to behave in social interactions or new relationships other than how we do in toxic ones.

I, too, am hoping school brings you some new opportunities. Maybe it’s time to try forging relationships with some new folks at school? We can talk about how to do that or I can give you some resources if you’d like.

I agree: even getting new psych care is so hard right now. But if it does happen and it is one of your parents friends, again, that is a professional ethics issue. If they don’t decline to see you outright, you can be the one to let them know you need a referral to someone without that bias and conflict, and they should agree. If they don’t, you can refuse to see them. (That also could be reported to medical boards, and they will know that.)

One last thing: I understand having a hard time fitting in. But please know that has nothing todo with your value as a person. You are clearly lovely, caring and thoughtful, and I think anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

[Andy]

Thank you, I really appreciate that, and you <3

[Andy]

Sometimes I almost start to believe that I might not be a bad person at all, that I'm far from perfect but that doesn't mean I can't make other people happy and have nice relationships, I don't know much about them but I'm willing to learn. Sometimes I just almost believe I'm capable of doing that and deserve it. But it's easier to believe that there is something wrong with me and people don't like me for a specific reason, you know. It's much easier to accept that there is something wrong, even when I don't know what, that is the cause of that and maybe might be even changeable than coming to terms with the fact that I don't fit in just because who I am, if that makes sense.
The school starts next week and I can't help being nervous about it (I know that I said the same about summer holidays...).
There is one thing I would like to hear your insight on. A classmate/friend of mine has came out as non-binary during the summer and switched to he/him pronouns and I'm sorry to say that but I'm really afraid some of our classmates won't be really kind to him, not only because at least a few are transphobic but also because he has never been very friendly to them and some don't like him in general. I don't have to think if I will support him and stand up to them for him if they are hateful, that goes without saying. I'm just sad that that will most probably result in them hating me too. If it helps him feeling at least a little supported that's totally worth it, I just wish there was some way to avoid being excluded from all friend groups again. Because even if classmate/friend in question calls himself my best friend, I find it hard to trust him. He says how he loves me and is grateful for having me but to other people he says that he talks to me just because he needs me to help him with school. And he also made a target of me for the whole class when he found out that I panick when I'm touched/hugged unexpectedly and surrounded by people and everyone just thought it was so funny and they didn't stop even when I asked them to repeatedly. That has happened some time ago but I still cannot get it out of my head. Anyway, I don't think there is much I can do about the whole situation, I could never be friends with someone who'd be mean to him because of his gender anyway, I just hope he'll be fine. And maybe we will get a bit closer...

[Heather]

Before I weigh in on this, have you ever talked to us about this friend before?

Do you consider them your best friend? How long have you been friends? Just trying to get some missing context for myself here to give you the best help I can.

[Andy]

Sorry for the late reply and confusion, it'd probably be easier if I used names for the people I talk about here, it's just feels too personal.

(I think I have just mentioned him once over a chat when I asked how should I talk to him and support him regarding some mental health problems.)
No I don't consider him best friend, I don't like labels like this and we aren't close at all in my opinion, we talk only at school, mostly only about school and when I reached out during summer he didn't respond at all. It feel like he likes to think of himself as my only/best friend maybe (I have never talked with him about the friend I always talk about here) or just sees friendships differently than I. And we've known each other for seven years now - the time we have been in the same class.
I also have another question, he said he wants me to refer to him using he/him when we're alone and around some other people but prefers to use other pronouns around a few other specific people, and I'm really afraid I'll mess up somehow, because in our language almost every sentence is "gendered", it's in all past tenses, conditionals, adjectives and several other instances and I'm afraid it'll be hard for me to switch between two sets od pronouns. And he is really sensitive about it and I don't wanna hurt him

[Sam W]

Since it sounds like you two aren't super close, can I ask if you want to be any closer friends with him? Is he someone you enjoy spending time around? Since the telling everyone about your reactions to touch thing was a pretty big betrayal of trust, do you feel like he's demonstrated he's sorry for it and shown he's more trustworthy now?

As far as the gendered language, I think the best option is just to earnestly do your best to gender him as he's asked in those different contexts and apologize if you slip-up. If it's clear you're doing your best to do the right thing, hopefully that means he won't be as hurt if there's a slip-up, because he'll know it wasn't intentional.

[Andy]

I'm not sure if getting closer is even possible if what he said about talking with me only because of the help he gets from me in school is true. But maybe it was partly because he was ashamed of being mine friend and didn't want to admit it among other people, but I don't think so. And at this point, frankly, I want to be closer with literally anyone who'd want that too. I don't even mean like "sharing secrets and calling every day" close, just "talking sometimes, sharing some bits of our lives and thoughts and asking how the other one is doing from time to time" close.

I'm afraid that craving this and overidealizing in my thoughts how coming back to school and meeting everyone might look like, I'll blame other people when it doesn't go that well...

As for him, we had a more detailed conversation about what he prefers and in which situations and I really hope I made it clear that all I care about is his comfort and happiness, so I'm less nervous about it. I also offered to tell some other classmates about the pronouns and name change and even though I was really nervous about that and wasn't sure how to approach those conversations it went, in my opinion, semi-well but overall better than we expected and he was really grateful. I just wish I could do more, it's not fair people have to suffer just because other people refuse to at least acknowledge their existence. I totally understand that to someone it might bring comfort to know they are for example a heterosexual cis women in a monogamous relationship with a man, who likes to cook and wear make up and dresses, maybe those clearly defined "labels" can feel like an stabile anchor to them in this chaotic ever-changing world, but what is an anchor that provides safety for some is an anchor that is weighting down and drowning many others...

[Emily N]

Oof yeah, it’s better not to get close to someone who outwardly admits to using you for social gain. I understand how painful it can be to be lonely or miss having friendships, but it’s not worth it to make “friends” with someone who will cause you pain. If making friends “doesn’t go well”, it won’t be a reflection of how worthy you are for friendship. Just that you haven’t found the right people to connect with yet.

I’m glad you are feeling less nervous about using his pronouns in different situations, it sounds like you are doing your best to support him. Your anchor metaphor is very apt!

[Andy]

Thank you

But it's not easy to belive I'll ever meet "the right people", I don't even know what that means. Speaking just statistically - I have a big part of life behind me and I've met a lot of people, probably way more than most people my age (I've had a lot of hobbies and done many extracurricular activities) and I've met just 3 or 4 people who I felt really connected with, but none of them (apart from the friend I always talk about here) is interested in talking with me anymore. So it just doesn't feel very likely...
Well, I know the biggest problem is that I think about this too much, or more like I think about everything way too much. For example I've been worrying about the school starting again for more than a week now and I've changed my thoughts and opinions about it so many times I don't know what to think anymore. Why can't I just understand that no matter how hard I try I can't think my way around situation concerning other people, I can't predict or change their feelings and actions, so there's no point in worrying about it too much?
The "thinking too much" thing is something I really hate about myself, it's like there are so many different layers/parts of my mind screaming over each other and whenever I try to look into them more closely I get lost. I spent this week out of home (which was mostly great!) and I thought I'd start writing a journal when my parents weren't around so wasn't afraid they might find it. But I just couldn't do it, the moment I started writing I started doubting everything and laughing at myself, it's like because it's impossible to include all those often contradictory "voices" in my mind, it feels like lying and pretending to be someone I'm not. I don't know how to explain, but it was really overwhelming...

Well, there probably isn't much to answer regarding what I've written so I have one other question, it's more of a philosophical one so there's no need to answer either if you don't want to. It's just that I stumbled upon some interesting thoughts about trust in a book and since then I've been thinking that I don't even understand what it is. How does "really trusting someone" look in real life? What it brings and what it takes? How can it be achieved? I don't even know if I've ever trusted anyone...
I know it sounds stupid and I'm just probably thinking too much about basic things, but I hoped someone might have some thoughts

[Sam W]

Hi Theansweris42,

I want to offer one re-frame right off that bat that I think will be helpful: at 18, most of your life is still ahead of you, not behind you, so there are still lots of opportunities to meet people who become close friends. As for what the "right people" look like, I think it can help to remember that the things that people talk about with healthy romantic relationships also apply to healthy friendships. So friends who are good friends for you will respect you, will make you feel better when you're around them, and will treat you as someone they're glad to have in their lives because of who you are, not because of what you can do for them. Does that make sense?

While this is ideally something to work on with a mental healthcare provider down the road, I do have a trick I use--that was taught to me by a therapist--when having that overthinking/too many contradictory voices problem. You sit with those thoughts and see if you can identify where some of those "voices" are coming from, because a lot of the time those feelings of contradiction are coming from competing opinions or ideas you internalized. For instance, I've learned to notice when a voice in my head sounds like one or both of my parents. Learning to identify where competing thoughts may be coming from can go a long way towards figuring out what you actually think or feel.

You know, when it comes to trust, it can look a lot of different ways depending on your specific relationship with that person (for instance, the trust I have with co-workers looks different than the trust I have with my partner). But if you want to really boil it down, trust looks like feeling secure in the knowledge that the other person will hold up their end of your relationship. For a friend, that could look like being there for each other when things are tough AND knowing that the friend will respect your boundaries if. Do you see what I'm getting at there?

[Andy]

Thank you for your answers, it's really helpful, I especially like the idea that some of those "voices" aren't my own and don't always have to reflect who I am.

I wanted to come here only when I would have felt better and had some actual questions, but I hope some venting is okay... It's just that the school starting again is turning out to be harder than I thought. I was afraid people won't want to talk with me but in the end it's me who doesn't have the energy for it. What troubles me the most is that already three teachers have taken me aside and demanded explanation why do I look so tired/sad/in pain. My health or any other problems is the last thing I would ever wanted to discuss with them. It's not their business anyway, I have no problem doing my schoolwork with results way above average and I'm not causing any other problems. One has threatened to consult it with my parents if I don't tell him what's happening and I really don't want that. But if I understand it right and there's nothing about it in the school guidelines there's nothing stopping him from doing it. But I have nothing to tell him and it's hard to explain that I'm perfectly fine while I'm so visibly anxious just because he is talking to me like this. And I don't want to risk my parents getting involved, the atmosphere at home is already really tense currently, my parents keep arguing and I keep getting into fights with them, most of the time I don't even know why.

And on top of that my friend got into some trouble, maybe you remember how I was telling you about her more-than-friendly relationship with her teacher, well, now some other teachers have found out... And she is in a really bad place mentally and needs a lot of support, much more than I can or probably ever could give her...
I'm so tired, not only physically but of trying to be enough at least for someone. My friend won't ever accept that I can't agree with everything or be on phone 24/ because of my family, my parents won't accept, among other things, that I want to be in touch with that friend and I'm not comfortable at school because I don't want teachers to notice and care about my health.
If added some nationwide and global problems, I don't know if there really are more negative things in my life than there should be right now or this is a normal human experience, the whole life is going to be like this and I'm just too weak and don't know how to deal with it...

I know I should tell those things to friends and not here, but I can't help it, I know it's not right, but some part of me thinks about you as my friends, sorry for that...

[Carly]

Hey 42 -- venting is totally ok here as well, we're happy to help in any way that we can even if it's just reading. As intrusive as it's feeling right now, it's clear to me that your teachers are paying enough attention to you to know something is wrong. Even though I don't agree with the way that particular teacher approached you about this, I do think it's out of caring for you. Does your school have a counselor or social worker? If you're willing to disclose what's up with that person, perhaps they can talk to your teachers if that's something you just do not want to discuss with them. Often that person is not allowed to discuss what's going on in detail to anyone, including your parents, but they may be someone who can advocate for you when your teachers are asking questions that are making you uncomfortable. I'm sorry these teachers are being so demanding.

I'm sorry it's been feeling like a lot. Even if these are normal human experience issues, it doesn't make it any easier. I don't think you're weak or unable to deal with them, you never know how to even address something until you actually experience it sometimes. We learn every day, truly!

[Andy]

Thank you and sorry for the late reply, I was completely out of energy the past few weeks.

I believe there is a counsellor at our school but he is new and I've never met him and I just don't want any more attention or trouble. I solved the problem by not going to school when I feel the worst, my parents aren't happy about it but they've let me so far and it's easier for everyone. But sometimes it's so frustrating and isolating, that it feels like there is world and life happening out there, so many things to experience, people to meet, causes to help and I'm stuck alone at home in my sad little bubble of pain and exhaustion. I hope it'll be better now at least for a while but in a few months I have to decide if and eventually what I'll study next year at university and consequently where I'll live and what will the relationship with my parents look like... and it's so hard when I don't even know if I'll ever be able to live on my own without the occasional help from other people...

Anyway, apart from complaining I also wanted to share something nice for once, if that's also okay. A few days ago I stayed at home and because everyone else was out at work and running errands I had the house for a few hours only for myself which happens very rarely. And it was great, I could wear the flannel shirt my dad hates so much, I could play the piano and not care if I'm the songs are too sad, badly played or by queer authors, I could cry or laugh loud and noone gave a damn, I could just lay, read enjoying the silence and noone would burst through my door any moment... I know it sounds weird but I haven't felt so calm and happy in a long time, I don't understand it but I can't stop thinking about it with a smile

Apart from all those sharing I also want to ask something. Yesterday I was in a car with my mum and she suddenly started talking really honestly about how it was hard for her when I was young, how she struggled not only with parenting but many other life challenges and how is she afraid she therefore did something wrong in my upbringing. I wasn't ready for this and didn't know what to say or how to comfort her when she started crying...
I'm not sure if this is connected with her feeling of failure but I'm afraid it is - After a while she asked me if I've decided what my sexual orientation is. They haven't brought this up for months and I almost believed they believed my lies about it so I was even more dumbfounded and totally unprepared so I just kept repeating "no, we aren't going to talk about that" until she stopped asking. I'm afraid it was a big mistake, from this response it's more than clear that I'm still thinking about being something else than straight and I fear that it will be again like those months ago when they found out about my feelings for a friend for the first time and I don't want to get through those fights and insults again. On the other hand, she didn't get angry right away and I haven't talked with her since then (she is away for a few days) but it seems like she haven't told my dad yet.
I know you don't know me nor my parents personally so you can't know the "right" answer but I really want anyone else's opinion on that. Is there some way to find out if she has changed her mind regarding my sexuality? Should I approach her about this or those things she shared about my upbringing or at least apologise for my lack or immediate response?

Sorry for writing so much again and thank you for everything

[Michaela]

Hi theansweris42,

It's good to hear from you again and no worries about the response delay, we will always be here when you need us.

I'm glad to hear that your school does have a counselor because they are a resource that is explicitly there to support you, that is their whole role. However, I know from experience it can be pretty intimidating to start to open up to a new person. Could you say a little more about how seeing him would cause more attention on you or trouble?

It sounds like you have a lot you are worrying about at the moment which can be extremely draining. So I want to remind you that right now, however you are showing up each day, even if it is just waking up in the morning, is enough. You have a lot on your shoulders and it's important to acknowledge how difficult that can be and to hold compassion for yourself.

I'm so so happy to hear about your day and the experience of letting your guard down to being fully and authentically yourself in a safe environment. It's good you can't stop thinking about it because it sounds like a moment to cherish and to try to cultivate more of! Do you see a time in the near future of an opportunity like that again?

In the car, it sounds like your mom was putting a certain level of responsibility on you to comfort, nurture, and validate her experiences which is not your job and is a huge burden to place on someone. It makes sense that at that moment you did not know what to do, after all, it was not a fair position to put you in.

On a similar note, you don't owe her an explanation about your sexuality (it's completely ok to still be figuring it out). And it sounds like you held that boundary well even though it was uncomfortable in the moment. Yes, we could talk about ways to have those difficult conversations with your parents about your sexuality and the experience your mom shared with you. But, I first want to check in about how you are feeling about those conversations. Will talking to them about it help you to have some clarity and free some worry or do you think it will cause more stress for you? Or is there one that you would most like to focus on?

[Andy]

Thank you so much, almost everytime I post here I feel bad that I shouldn't complain like this and that it's not like anyone cares anyway, but every time, you all melt my worries away with your kind words and thoughtful advice ❤
And I also really appreciate that you took the time to respond to all those different topics I managed to stuff into one post.

As for the school counselor, there are several reasons why I don't wanna see him. Firstly, its a catholic school and I have no way of knowing if he is religious and what some of his opinions are, secondly I haven't found time and place where he could be reached written anywhere, which is weird, but the former one was available only during lessons so the whole class knew who was visiting him, also the headmaster isn't in favour of me and I really want avoid making it worse, and in the end I don't even know what I'd talk about with the counselor, I don't struggle with anything directly related to studying, don't know how to talk about anything else and don't want to waste his time that he could use to help someone in a crisis.
(And I talked about it a few posts ago, but I'm still waiting if my mum arranges me an appointment with a psychologist. She snapped when I asked about how it is going so I guess she didn't have any luck yet but still doesn't let me do it myself)

Unfortunately it happens extremely rarely that I get to be alone at home, or anywhere else for that matter. But I don't think it'd work if I tried to recreate the moment of happiness, it would probably feel too forced. But it was also important for me because it helped me realize something - that's it's not true that I just don't want to be happy. Anytime I feel bad I keep thinking "I don't have the right to be sad, I'm deliberately choosing to be like that because I want the attention and if I was happy for a moment everyone would see right through me..." etc. But it wasn't a conscious decision to feel like that that day and if happiness isn't deliberate why would sadness or anything else be? Im still a long way from actually internally believing it, but the realisation was really helpful. I know this probably sounds pretty basic, but sometimes I get so caught up in questioning everything that goes on in my head that I don't believe anything anymore.
But it also brings me to one other question - if the moments when I'm most carefree and happy are when I'm alone, will I ever feel like this among other people or am I "destined" to live alone?

As for those conversations with my mum, thinking about your questions I realized that opening them again wouldn't be good for anything. I hope that if she wanted to talk more about the first one she would have approached me herself and as for the topic of my sexuality I think it's best for everyone if it stays being the elephant in the room it has been till now. It's not pleasant but it's tolerated and I belive that if it was brought into light there's little chance it'd end well. I'm grateful it's been calmer at home lately and don't want to disrupt that.
Besides I have little hope I would somehow be able to change my parents attitude towards some things like different sexual orientations for example, if anything can do that it's time. I could be the best speaker and have all the facts, but it's hopeless as long as they see me as their "product" and parts they don't like about me as (their) mistakes, that shouldn't be taken seriously

[Mo]

To touch on the lovely day you had being alone, I first want to say I'm really glad you had that experience. It sounds genuinely wonderful! I don't think that this means you can only be happy when you're alone, though. I wonder if the happiness and freedom you felt were just as much about being away from the judgment and presence of your family as they were about specifically being alone. And if that's the case, even though you may not have such people in your life now, I believe there are probably folks out there who you'd be comfortable enough around to feel happy and free with them, too. People who'd appreciate the clothes and music you enjoy, who'd give you space if you needed it and laugh and cry with you if you needed company. I think that's possible for you.