Finding New Love

[BumbleRex]

Hello! I got out of a bad relationship almost 3 years ago, and I am just starting to date again. One of the biggest issues with my past relationship was that he gaslit me a lot and I have some bad habits because of it, including things like talking down about myself and lying to my family to protect his reputation.

I have been trying to trust people again - and not see the end of every relationship before it even begins - but that's turning out to be harder than I anticipated. I really like this one guy I have been seeing, but I don't trust that feel good feeling. How can I know that I'm not setting myself up for disaster again? How can I be happy and feel good things without letting someone walk all over me again? My family has expressed concerns that I might not tell them if things get bad again, and I don't know how to both trust myself not to do that again, and make them see that I learned my lesson there.

Any advice for someone trying to be happy after some really unhappy situations?

[Michaela]

Hi BumbleRex,

I think you are off to a good start of being aware and making sure you start off in a healthy place with this relationship. A good place to start is to take an inventory of what your needs are for this relationship. Some things you could think about are what are some values for you in your relationship, things you need to feel safe, cared for, and loved? Things like honest communication, trust, respect, specific boundaries etc. We have this article Hello, Sailor: How to Build, Board and Navigate a Healthy Relationship which highlights some of those qualities. Which of them are the most important to you and why? How have you seen them or not seen them in your current relationship?

You mentioned some "feel good feelings" you are having. I'm curious a little more about those and what about things that are happening between you two that is making you feel happy? Because it's good to connect to that too when learning to trust someone.

[BumbleRex]

Thanks for the reply! There are a lot of very respectful and thoughtful actions - things like asking questions about my day, holding doors for me when I am carrying things, stuff like that. It sounds like small things, but it's a big difference from what I knew with my last boyfriend. And he doesn't make any comments about the way I look that make me feel self-conscious. So far, I feel really heard and respected, and I am so excited to see him each time we set up a date.

I think trust and respect are two of the biggest things I am looking for in a relationship now. I just want to be an equal in a relationship.

[Sam W]

Hi BumbleRex,

It sounds like this relationship has a lot of elements that make you feel cared for and respected, which is great!

When it comes to wanting to not have a repeat of what happened with your ex, do you feel like that experience with him gave you any insights into what red flags look like in relationships?

[BumbleRex]

Sometimes I can spot them a mile away! I was seeing someone very, very briefly who would make snide comments about my intellect when I would stumble over a word - I have a slight stutter when I'm nervous - and I stopped seeing them after two dates. But other times, I find myself in a position of making excuses for people. I used to say my ex boyfriend was simply worried about me when he would be overly possessive, but it's only recently that I've realized how bad that really was. I'm still learning the line between normal concern and possessiveness, playful teasing and genuine insulting.

[Sam W]

I'm glad you're learning to recognize more of those red flags that your realize snuck up on you in that last relationship. One piece of ours that might be helpful is this one on intimacy; I like how it breaks down the difference between healthy intimacy and things like enmeshment or possessiveness: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots