Getting over a special ex

[spottedowl]

My ex was very special to me. We had an unconventional relationship mostly because we were friends but he had an abusive stepdad, so I'd always be worried about his safety at home. Our friendship involved tense but ultimately helpful encounters with police and doctors. The main problem is, my parents don't know any of this because I didn't want to date anyone 5 years ago and he didn't want to date me publicly because of his stepdad. Given the encounters with police (I informed on his stepdad to the police and helped calm my ex down via phone while doing so), I highly doubt my parents would believe any of what we went through. Add the fact that I kind of blocked this all out after it happened only for it to resurface several months ago out of the blue...I'm on meds and seeing a therapist right now because I couldn't distinguish fact from dreams/fiction when I started remembering. What actually happened was so unbelievable to me I made up fake stories to better explain it to myself, and ended up convincing myself that he died (he is alive, but I used to often panic that he would die/get seriously injured). Anyway so he's doing much better now, stepdad was divorced successfully 5 years ago and we are not in contact anymore. I'm doing much better, I can finally remember our relationship the way it actually happened. The only problem is I'm not sure how to let him go. All of the extenuating circumstances made it very hard to date as teenagers typically do, plus I was (still am) new to dating and wasn't sure what, if anything, I wanted to do with him. Plus, I can't tell my family because I'm afraid they will think the paranoid thoughts that put me on the medicine are coming back (they are not), it's just the slightly unbelievable truth of our relationship. I just want to put this behind me, but I don't want to forget he ever happened, because that's not emotionally healthy and doing that got me into this mess with medication in the first place. How do I let him go?

[Sam W]

Hi spottedowl,

First off, I'm glad you're getting some mental health supports that are helping you sort through some of the things in your past. Can I ask if you've raised this question of wanting to move on from this relationship with your therapist?

Too, do you feel like in order to put those stressful times behind you, you need to put him behind you as well? Or are you just not interested in having any kind of relationship, even a casual one, with him?

In terms of wanting to not forget him entirely, do you have any mementos of him, like photos?

[spottedowl]

No I haven't raised the question with my therapist yet, mostly because I want to avoid saying or doing anything that might make it seem like those paranoid thoughts are coming back, plus it seemed like a question where the answer was pretty cut and dry, do I want to move on from him or not?

Actually I'd like to get in contact with him again, and perhaps just stay friends? The reason why I'm hesitant is that I'm afraid I might want to date him again just as much as I did when I was 18-but what if it doesn't work out? The problem is we meant so much to each other 5 years ago, I couldn't help thinking of us as "star-crossed lovers", and he wouldn't stop obsessing over what it would be like to date me...we both had extremely unrealistic expectations and I could see the train wreck coming at the end of a few dates. Plus now with my mental health struggles and all of the stressful times...I don't want to let him go, but I feel like I have to, because every time I try to look him up on social media I remember the late nights of worry, even though things wouldn't be like that anymore. I kind of want a relationship without that history, but the history is what makes it special. But then again, people do change a lot in 5 years, maybe he won't even be in the same state anymore. How do I contact him when contacting him makes me think of just how much I want to date him? It doesn't help that he's my last significant crush.

I do have a few photos...at least I won't forget him entirely now.

[Sam W]

Do you feel like it's possible to reach out to him while keeping your expectations for how reconnecting would go pretty low? If you go into with your main goal being, "let him know I'd like to be friends and see how he reacts", rather than getting deep into the "what-ifs," that might make the whole thing feel less fraught.

Would you be up for telling me how you two lost contact initially? Because that context could also be important when it comes to determining if/how you reach out to him.

[spottedowl]

Keeping my expectations low would be a good strategy, thank you. As for how we lost contact, that would be a few months after the stepdad was out of the picture and him and his mom moved into a new apartment. They went to the store for furniture and I happened to be there too. He caught me up on how they were doing, then restated for like the 4th or 5th time, that he wanted to date me (he could, now that the home life was good). I refused again, stating that my parents didn't want me to date and I wasn't really into dating him, just wanted to be friends. He agrees reluctantly. Fast forward 5 meetings in that same store over months, he kept pleading with me to just date him, because we couldn't be friends, the mutual attraction was just too strong. I wanted to date him, but just didn't feel ready, so I kept saying no. At some point we exchanged numbers and he called me once or twice, still trying to get me to date him. Eventually he got so frustrated he bought his other friend (who was a girl) into the store and started flirting with her and kissed her right in front of me (to make me jealous and get me to date him.) I wound up telling his mom, who made him apologize. His mom told me that he was up nights frustrated and sad over the fact that I wouldn't date him, and advised us to stay apart until he could get over me, for a few months. At that point, we weren't close friends at school, more friends because we were in the same classes, and most of our interactions had been because of his stepdad outside of school. So we really didn't have that strong friendship bond to fall back on, he spent months getting over me, things just got awkward. I had deleted his number after he kissed the other girl (another suggestion from his mom as well),so I just said hi to his mom a few times in the store after that. It was even awkward to say hi to his mom given the history between me and her son, so I told her this and she agreed to leave me alone. That was the final contact between me and him, 4-5 years ago So that's why I'm having trouble figuring out whether to contact him or not, because to him, it would be like his ex getting into contact with him, but to me it's like my first friend who had strong potential to be something more. I'm not even sure today if I want to pursue a relationship with him.

[Mo]

I can understand why you aren't sure if you want to contact him or not! It really wasn't okay for him to keep pushing you to date him after you'd said no; at that point the appropriate response would have been for him to drop the subject. That was really not respectful of your boundaries at all. I do think keeping expectations low and maybe easing very slowly back into contact would be a good strategy if you do want to move forward with contacting him again.

In terms of not being sure today if you'd want to pursue a relationship, that makes a lot of sense! I don't think that's a question you'd be able to answer until and unless you got to know him for who he is now.

[Nicole]

Hi spottedowl,

Thank you for reaching out to us about this. I would seriously consider all possible outcomes before reaching out to him. You seem a bit unsure about reaching out to him and what it might turn into. While the last time you spoke to him was some time ago, this may cause some feelings to resurface, whether it be on his end or your end. I worry that you might end up being unprepared to face whatever emotions may arise. With all of this, I would definitely establish some boundaries if/when you reach out to him. It is really important if you figure out if this interaction is strictly platonic or if there is some underlying romantic intentions. When approaching conversations like this, it is important to lay out your expectations to the other person, just so neither one of you end up getting hurt at the end. I hope this makes sense! Take care!