Too many people in my sex life

[spottedowl]

So in the past its always been relatively easy to imagine myself as some cool "sex goddess" while I take part in sex fantasies or solo masturbation. But lately it's been really hard to get out of my own head while I'm trying to get in the mood. Either I'm worrying about my physical appearance (aunt telling me to wear more makeup and dress up, dad telling me to laser off my facial hair), my fantasy material (cool sexy fanfic being dismissed as "fantasy books" and my parents trying to keep me away from it because they think its what caused my mental health issues (it did not),my future career (no plans after grad school), or just a general lack of privacy (3 family members staying over for 3 months means I have my grandma as a roommate, hooray. It's not that I don't think my family has valid points about makeup and facial hair (they do), or that fanfic is never badly written (it absolutely is), or that it isn't important to plan for my future. It's just that I want to do these things because I want to do them, not because someone else wants me to so badly (in fact I often find myself wanting to do the exact opposite of what they want). And I definitely don't want all this input in my head as I'm trying to orgasm. So how do I calm myself down?

[Elise]

Hi there spottedowl, it sounds like you have a lot of stressors going on in your life right now, and it makes total sense that these are having an effect on your sexual response system at the moment. As you may have seen on the main Scarleteen site or on other forum responses brain is a really important part of sexual response. The effect that stress has is summarised in the dual control model of sexual response, and you can read more about it here, and I wholeheartedly recommend Dr Emily Nagoski’s book Come as You Are which expands on this topic.

This explanation doesn't make the current situation any less frustrating as you are still experiencing the stress and it’s effects, and that sounds like it’s pretty tough right now, however as you are interested in science I thought you might find the explanation helpful to your understanding. Dr Nagoski's second book Burnout also goes into the stress cycle and dealing with it, and you may find some of the strategies in there useful. Other techniques you may find useful are using grounding techniques, and mindfulness exercises/activities that help you focus on the present moment, the sensations that your body is feeling, rather than ruminating on the past or future. Have you tried any of those things before? If you'd like a scientific look at why this is helpful, Dr Lori Brotto wrote a book called Better Sex Through Mindfulness that you may find interesting. If you'd like some tips on exercises to try, please let us know! Is there anything that you currently do (like exercise, dancing, etc.) that you find helps you focus?

Finally (although not in importance), it sounds like you are getting a lot of pressure from your family and also have very little privacy, less than is ideal for an adult of your age. I'm really sorry to hear about the judgemental standpoint that your parents take also, it is a very human response to emotionally want to reject the views that come out judgement, even if we are aligned with the content, but not the motivator (eg. wanting to make a plan is great, but from a place of wanting to grow and self love, not from a place of bringing ourselves down).

Are there any steps you could take to have some more time out of the house but in a quiet space like a library, park, quiet student lounge at your university? Also it sounds like your family have higher visibility over your reading material than you would like, is there a way that you could limit this/would you like some advice on limiting this?

You may also find it useful to speak with a therapist about all this to help unpack the stress, and also to help you make goals for yourself that you feel are really yours and untangle things from the current external opinions you live with. Does this sound appealing to you/is something you have tried before?