My bf broke up with me but not really?

[YellowPamonha]

So. My last topic isn’t old, but I think that I should make a new one because the situation has kind of escalated. But for anyone reading it, my other post will provide the needed context.

After I made the og post, we stopped talking as much, mostly because I wasn’t chasing him as much. Rather, if he didn’t send me a message asking if we could call each other, I wouldn’t do it either (before I waited and when it was close to our usual time and he hadn’t, I always did -‘d he mostly could) and just like that we went from talking, actual taking and not “how was your day?” “fine and yours?” to some lighter stuff most days. That was about three weeks ago, if I’m not mistaken.

This past week, I was tired because I had asked him to initiate more since I would be in tests week and wouldn’t be able to, but would still like to talk to him, and he said he would. He didn’t. Instead, two days he took hours to answer my texts (had a good reason tho, he was on a 4 hours long car trip and on a school trip, but I sent them before he left home so I guess he could’ve had time?) and I was just. Lost. Feeling left behind, like he didn’t care about it.

On Thursday night some of our common friends were on discord and I joined in and asked about my bf to them, long story short they said they’d talk to him and figure it out in the weekend, since he would be visiting them. Well, on Friday they did go out and my bf opened himself up without our friends even having to ask. He said that he felt like he couldn’t conciliate his life with his romantic relationship with me, because he had to have commitment but it was hard to do it (don’t know if it makes sense in English, but basically he had to be invested but found it hard) because he barely had any free time time and at night (when we call each other) he wants to sleep and to the hell with the rest. But that he loves me.

Three of our friends heard this, two thought he was going to talk to me so we could make it work, and the other one thought that he would talk to me to break up. Another friend who wasn’t there at the time (call him J), he goes to the same school as my bed, heard this and said it was bullshit, because his days aren’t this busy, he has a couple of extracurriculars but never does any homework and barely studies since he is smart, so classes are enough to understand the subjects. And that he definitely doesn’t have a busy schedule as he said to the other friends. I don’t think he’s that busy, but perhaps not too organized and ends up overwhelmed.

On Saturday night he called me (I asked) and we talked about the week, since the last time we called each other was Tuesday. He didn’t mention having the talk with his friends, and I didn’t either. At some point, I said “can we talk serious now?” and he said he didn’t want to, because he didn’t want his weekend ruined. I asked how could it ruin his weekend and he asked me what I wanted to talk about. I told him about how I felt we had barely talked the last three weeks, since he asked me if I didn’t have other friends, and that I felt we were progressively talking less and less. Some other points were made, and when I asked “what do we do know? how can we fix it?” he said that he feels like it’s too hard trying to please me, it’s never enough, and that he hasn’t felt like he’s enjoying the relationship (I asked since when and he said august) and that he hadn’t broken up yet because he couldn’t make up his mind about the decision. I told him he should’ve discussed it with me, and he apologized for not doing it before but it seemed fake. He also said that he stays in long discord calls because he barely talks to his friends (bullshit, he sees them every other weekend and they stay out until like, 2am) and that it’s different the want to call someone you don’t talk as much and someone you talk every day.

I asked him “ok, you said [those three things], how do we go from here?” and he said he didn’t feel like this could work. I said I didn’t want to break up that day. He used an expression I can’t quite remember, but with the same meaning as “why do it later if we can do it now?”, and I said I didn’t think the conversation would take this route, he said it was exactly how he thought it would end.

By this point I was crying, a lot even, and he remained so… calm. I asked him if he had though about this some time before, and he said no, he’s thought about it during our call. I told him to then wait four days, it is the time I wait when I think I want to break up. He said okay. I said I needed to go, and he said “I love you”, I said “no, you don’t, you wouldn’t have said things if you did” and he said that love wasn’t enough to continue a relationship.

I wasn’t even mad about the things he said, but about the way. He made it look like it was a burden to do what I believe is the basic, and said he hasn’t enjoyed the relationship since august??? That’s too much.

When I ended the call I immediately called my friends because I was sure it was all over, and I wanted to talk to someone. They did their best to make me feel better, but also said that it was for the best and that we should really break up.

But then, a couple hours later, he sent me a text saying he was going to the movies and sent a photo of his hand, using the promise ring I gave him. I was too confused, but answered it as normal. He then sent like, the most caring? good night message in these last weeks, also complimented me. On Sunday, we talked a bit in the morning, and then at night he apologized for not talking more and said it was because he was out of power, which felt odd because we actually talked more than we did most days. He also sent sweet good night texts. Monday, sent good morning text and we talked more throughout the day texting than usual, since we mostly talk at night on calls. And then, at night, he said “I’m going to bed soon, can I call you to say good night?” and I accepted.

We talked as usual, he made no reference to breaking up or any relationship problem. Before hanging up, I said “we should call on Wednesday, it will be the four days deadline” and he said he probably wouldn’t have made a decision, because he “had changed his mind 50 times that day alone”. I told him not to worry that I would have, and he said he wishes me only the best.

Today, I thought he would have stopped with the nice texts since I hinted breaking up, but he hasn’t still. I’m so confused. My friends told me he feels guilty for breaking up, but that what he said is still true. He said it so calmly and seriously that I find it hard to believe he changed his mind this quickly.

My plan was to call him in Wednesday, and if he didn’t say he still wanted to break up, I would because I can’t date someone who isn’t enjoying it and thinks that talking to me every day is too much. But now he’s being nice, and while my logical part of the brain knows it won’t last and that it will be as it was before, my emotional one feels sad to break up now, that he’s doing exactly what I wanted.

I do enjoy dating him, but after what he said, I think we at least need some time separated, to think about each other with no influence. And I’ll feel bad if I continue to date a guy who said all those things and didn’t even apologize. How can I keep true to my original plan and realize its only a phase?

Another thing that makes want to take a break or even permanently break up is that a friend told me that he was playing a “dumb boys game” in which they had scenarios and could pick any girl they knew, and that in the “having sex”, he picked the one girl I’m jealous of and insecure that they do more than talk. I introduced them to each other and they became best friends (was one of our fights because in my view, I should be his best friend, he said that best friend and girlfriend were different things), and I immediately felt uncomfortable with their relationship but he reassured me they were just friends. She has told me she sees him as an older brother, but now that he said he’d have sex with her… it’s weird. The friend that told me said it was a game, and that he couldn’t pick me because I am his girlfriend, but also a boy on the group said the name of his ex and they broke up less than a week ago? He also said my bf reasoned that it was because he was close to her so it would be less weird, but it still doesn’t sit right with me. I was thinking of bringing it up on Wednesday, but now I’m thinking of waiting if he at some point wants to rekindle the relationship.

That’s it. I’m sorry, it’s way to long, so thanks for anyone who even read this far. Simply writing it helped me realize that I have to be firm, doesn’t matter if I’ll be sad or if he’ll go straight to this girls arms. I wish we could work out, but well. That’s life.

[Mo]

I think these two statements you made above are really telling: "I can’t date someone who isn’t enjoying it and thinks that talking to me every day is too much. I’ll feel bad if I continue to date a guy who said all those things and didn’t even apologize." Those are very valid feelings to have, and I agree that it sounds like what you want out of a relationship and what he's willing to provide are pretty mismatched right now.

People can care deeply about each other and have very different needs or goals for a relationship, and while that can be very painful, it doesn't mean that either of them are in the wrong. It sounds like you would like a lot more communication and more emotional honesty from a partner than what he's willing or able to provide right now, and you certainly aren't wrong for wanting that! I think in your place, I'd want more than he was providing, too. It's sad, but it sounds like you just don't want enough of the same things to be happy in a relationship together right now.

As a side note, I'm sure your friends are trying to be helpful, but I think this process of them reporting back to you what he's saying and doing when you aren't around may be making things a little less clear at the moment. I don't think it's going to be useful to try and analyze things he said that you're hearing secondhand. I understand why it's tempting, especially since he hasn't been very forthcoming in his communication, but I think trying to focus on just what he's saying to you directly might be a good idea for now.

[YellowPamonha]

we did end up breaking up, I’m October 15th. I was okay and then he texted me like, two days later?, and ever since I’m just angry and upset about how it turned out. Not exactly about breaking up, but about how he treated me. He hooked up with a girl two days ago, one who had flirted with him while we were dating and he told me not to worry. Well. That’s life. Im moving on, and while I wish he apologized about the way he acted these last couple of months, now all I wish is for him to never come talk to me, because I’m not looking out for him.

[Mo]

I can definitely understand why you'd be angry and upset by this! It sounds like he was just not great at communicating at all, which can be extremely frustrating. I'm sorry to hear how things turned out.

[YellowPamonha]

Yes, well, it sucked. Looking back, we weren’t enjoying it for a long time, I simply thought it was all in my head. A couple of friends have told me some stuff that happened and that he said months ago and honestly, I think he wasn’t in love since march, maybe even before. Sucks that we parted our ways like this and that it’ll take me a long time to think of your time together without feeling upset, but that’s better than being together. We haven’t had any interaction since the day I replied last time, and I also think that’s good. He hasn’t tried to apologize, I asked my friends to stop updating me in his life since it was clear he was moving on by getting drunk and hooking up, or at least trying to, with every girl who showed him a bit of attention during our time together.

I’m happy to say that I no longer think we’d get together again if he apologized, or showed that he cared. I’m over it, and don’t want to talk to him at all, even if it’s just friendly talk. It’s inevitable to see him again, as we have friends in common, but I won’t rush it. And when we do, I’ll do my best to act nice and polite and treat him just like I would treat anyone who I’m not close with.

[Carly]

Hey YellowPamonha -- it sounds like you're on the right track to move on. Is there anything else that you'd like to talk through with us about this?