Choosing pronouns

[Raffles]

How have y’all settled on your pronoun(s)? I’m trying to find something that I’m okay with and is plausible for others to use for me.

I used to like they/them, but it’s caused me so much distress and fear that it no longer feels like a good thing.

I like some neopronouns (e/em and fae/faer), but it’s almost a guarantee that no one will follow those, especially if they/them is too difficult.

Some days, I feel like an it, but not in a good way. These are just my feelings on how I would feel about using it pronouns, not a judgement about those who use it. I feel like a thing, especially when take my feelings about gender as a political stance. It feels like my label overshadows me as a person, and I become an it. I don’t think I’d use it pronouns for me, but sometimes I feel like an it.

I’d prefer no pronouns from people who don’t know me, but I wouldn’t want that from people I know regularly. It’s the whole “I have one name, don’t wear it out” thing.

Any pronouns I guess is okay, expect then people default to she/her, which leads me to the standard binary pronouns.

He/him isn’t really for me. I never have been and don’t ever see myself as a he/him.

That leaves she/her, the “default” pronouns for me because I’m AFAB. It’s nice because it’s not instantly outing, but it can be effacing. I think there was a post where someone said, “I’m not she like a lady but she like a ship,” and that describes my feelings about it. I understand that I’m probably going to have to get over people using she/her for me, so it helps me to think about other things that use she/her that aren’t people (more common in gendered Romance languages, but the ship example works in English).

That was a bit of a ramble, but does anyone else have stories about how they ended up with the pronouns they use?

[Nicole]

Hi Raffles! I think you are doing great with going through and experimenting with different pronouns and seeing which ones makes you feel the most comfortable. I understand that you might feel like it’s difficult for people to use the correct pronouns, but the people who truly respect you and your well-being will try their best to use your correct pronouns. Also, the way you view she/her pronouns is really eye opening to me, especially looking into how she/her is utilized in other languages and in reference to ships. Honestly, it makes a lot of sense! I’m Ukrainian-American so my first language was Russian and the language is very gendered. The word for dog is feminine (sobaka) so even male dogs are referred to as female sometimes. It’s an interesting way to look at gender and languages. With that being said, I use she/her pronouns and I never really felt the desire to look into utilizing other pronouns. Of course, gender is a social construct, and I just feel the most comfortable using she/her. I have a special connection to my femininity, I guess? I know my experience might not be helpful but I just want to emphasize that you are doing the best you can! Please don’t ever feel afraid to use pronouns that make you feel comfortable, as the right people in your life will adjust! Take care.

[Heather]

Honestly, I use they/them because that framework is the closest, semi-recognized thing available. For most of my life, the only choices were he or she, and they weren't choices so much as just what was given to you. I was assigned she most of the time, and that's what I used. I always just preferred my name.

The irony for me, really, is that once upon a time, everything, for everyone, was he/him. While there was obviously a huge problem with that, making a very gendered pronoun universal, I do really wish we could just have a universal pronoun for everyone, something unattached to gender completely. I personally don't appreciate, especially as a person who just doesn't experience gender, having to consider it in this, and having to have it attached in some way to who I am as a person.

tl;dr: I will forever be crabby about pronouns.

[Mo]

I vastly prefer he/him pronouns; I feel like I "should" be happy with they/them pronouns as well, given that my gender is what's probably easiest simplified as "nonbinary/transmasc overlap" and I don't feel like A Man in any way, but I've spent a good bit of time trying out both and I really prefer he/him. It doesn't necessarily fit my gender that well, but for whatever reason it fits me best. I'm not sure I can really articulate why, but that's what feels most comfortable and affirming for me.

[Raffles]

Hello, all. Some really interesting responses here, thanks for engaging!

Nicole- My first experience with gendered languages was in high school, and it was eye opening for me too. Suddenly it wasn't just people who had pronouns, but all dogs are he/him and mountains are she/her. I do wonder if that kind of structure draws attention to the arbitrary nature of sex and gender, or if it is so crucial to the language that it is difficult to imagine things without gender. I do wonder how first language/most spoken language influences our perceptions of gender. As a side note, I don't have many (max of 3) people that consistently use they/them, and when they do it causes me quite a bit of stress because it is often around groups of people that aren't accepting or that I am not out to (several previous posts on this so I won't get into it, but coming out has probably been one of my worst personal and professional decisions thus far in my life). It is more practical for me to shift my thoughts/feelings about she/her pronouns than it is to fight literally everyone in my life to use they/them.

Heather- I completely understand using they/them because it's the closest to being mainstream. I have mixed feelings on be idea of plurality (I contain multitudes) and whether or not I actually think they/them is a good fit for me. I like neopronouns, but it seems impractical for me and many others at this point in where societies are at with gender. A universal pronoun does sound nice, but I know there are a lot of people out there who derive a lot of joy from having a gendered pronoun. I think I too will be forever crabby.

Mo- Pronouns are hard enough to pick, and it's even harder when you factor in what you think your pronouns "should" be. I think that part of the problem in society is that we tend to conflate gender identity with pronouns when pronouns are really just a part of gender identity. It sort of talks to be first point about separating pronouns from gender in language. Perhaps people who speak gendered languages are more used to this because there's an underlying understanding that just because apples are feminine doesn't mean they have a gender and just because the word for frog is male doesn't mean that all frogs are male, then maybe people can be the same way too.

Any more thoughts are welcome! This is a really interesting conversation.

[Carly]

Hey Raffles -- something your post did for me was make me realize that I never really thought about my pronouns and if they're the ones I even want. I'm a cisgender woman and I use she/her - that's because it's just what everyone used to refer to me since I was born. I do think I feel the most connected to and comfortable with she/her, but it just never occurred to me that I never thought about it or chose them for myself actually. Not particularly the narrative you're looking for in this thread, I know. I just wanted to say thanks for the inspiration to actually have this conversation with myself.

[Raffles]

Of course! I think an interesting question for everyone is did you choose your pronouns or did your pronouns choose you?

[Sofi]

Personally I didn't realize I could choose my pronouns until I was in my early or mid 20s. That's when I decided she/her isn't the only fit, and I'm okay with any pronouns. I usually tell people my pronouns are she/they because those feel the most comfortable, but I really don't care/mind what pronouns are used because I don't feel an attachment to any in particular. She/her were chosen for me, and I'm okay with them, but not attached to them and don't care to go out of my way to use them, if that makes any sense. I agree with Heather that I wish there were universal pronouns.