I need penetration to reach orgasm and I'm unhappy about that

[Anne-26368]

Hi my name is Anne and I am a trans woman (pre-op, but with a surgery date next year, so this may not be an issue forever).

I have been having issues for a very long time regarding getting to orgasm, because in my experience I've only ever managed to get there in one way, and it's a way I really don't like.

For some context, I have a weird issue regarding lubricants (or more accurately the sensory experience I have when using lubricants) that causes me to not feel touch on a part of my body that has been lubricated; it doesn't matter where, it could be my arm, or it could be inside me, I won't feel touch, but I can feel pressure (ie: pressing down on a lubricated area; that's because it's not the touch I'm feeling but the pushback from the muscle underneath); I've tried quite the selection of lubricants, even making my own with pure vegatable glycerin and water, as well as experiments with coconut oil, and they've all acted the same, which leads me to believe this is a sensory issue, possibly in some way related to my being Autistic.

This has caused me quite alot of problems over the years, because, for some reason, no matter what I've tried (and I've tried A LOT, my sex toy collection is unreasonably large for someone my age at this point), I have only reached orgasm twice in my entire life, and they all went the same way.

1. I build my self up for several hours, not being allowed to touch myself as I read some erotica.

2. I (eventually) get out a very small amount of lubricant and begin to finger myself anally.

3. Then I build up to a dildo, making sure not to use enough lubricant that it's comfortable because then I literally will not feel it in me.

4. Then I use a vibrator with one hand while building up speed with the dildo (which is extremely hard to do with one hand each).

I've only gotten this to work twice times because the amount of lubricant I have to use has to be very carefully teetering on the edge between so little that how uncomfortable it is has me not even into it anymore, and so much that I literally cannot tell that there is something inside of me, I literally do not feel it, at all; and finding that middleground always takes weeks of attempts, all of which I'm spending dreading it because it's a one in a million chance that it actually ends up in that middleground instead of not extremely uncomfortable and not worth it or a complete waste of time from lack of sensation.

I don't really know what I'm asking for here; I hate this prediciment that I'm stuck in, but I don't know what to do about it.

I started taking Progestorone around 6 months ago which has especially amplified this problem, due to the dramatically increased libido that is one of it's side effects.

I'm sick of the constant state of sexual frustration, so if you have any ideas, my ears are open.

Warmly, Anne

[Sam W]

Hi Anne-26368,

It can be so frustrating to feel like your body will only do what you want it to under super specific circumstances! Since it sounds like you've done quite a bit of experimenting, can I ask what happens if you only use an external vibrator, sleeve, or something else that focuses on external genitals (or if those are even parts of yourself you're comfortable engaging with)?

Too, with the way you're masturbating currently, does that feel really good to you prior to orgasm? Or is it more a matter of it not feeling the greatest but being the only way that you seem to be able to reach orgasm?

[Anne-26368]

Hi Sam,

In regards to the "the way you are masturbating currently" question, if you're referring to what I spoke about in my initial post as the only way I can reach orgasm, then... it's complicated.

My issue with that method isn't one of pleasure when it works out (because when it does, it's a great experience), but an issue with how uncomfortable it is when it doesn't work out.

Usually when I attempt that method I end up going back and forth between having a terrible experience because there isn't enough lube (which is usually so uncomfortable that it can be a turn off), and there being just the right amount of lube that make's it feel really nice (even just for a moment), but because I have to be so careful to not use too much lube, not only am I extremely in my head, but I tend to use too little.

If I try to compensate for that by going out of my way to use more however I immediately use too much, and there is nothing I can do about it; just like in baking, you can always add more but you can't really remove what you've already added.

In regards to the "sounds like you've done quite a bit of experimenting" question, yes I do use a vibrator, in fact that is how I usually masturbate because so far use of a vibrator has been the only method in which I am comfortable at all times, which is important to me, and was an important part of those previously mentioned only two orgasms of my life so far (which is another reason as to why there hasn't been a repeat for a long time now).

Sadly however, none of my vibrators (and I have a few), not even my wand, can get me there.

In fact on frequent occasion when I attempt to use any of my vibrators to masturbate, usually the vibrator will sooner die from the hours it takes to so much as feel like I'm getting close, then actually make anything happen.

Worse still, when the battery does hold up long enough that I actually feel as though I might get there, I've found that I cannot reach orgasm without more stimulation, and the only thing left that I haven't tried with this method is anal... so we're back to where we started.

Luckily use of a vibrator does actually feel quite nice even without reaching orgasm (hence why I keep doing that way); I'm just tired of the sexual frustration from never getting there.

Also yes, I am comfortable using my external genitalia, with the exception of anything penetrative, that's a hard no.

Lastly, while it wasn't mentioned I feel it's relavent to say that I have had many experiments with manual masturbation (ie: with my hands), but none of them have really worked out.

The only method that has ever so much as felt nice is something I think would be described as heavy petting, but I haven't gotten very far with it.

It does make me look forward to after the surgery though! <3

Warmly, Anne

[Sofi]

Hi Anne,
This sounds incredibly frustrating, I'm sorry it's been such a difficult experience to get to orgasm. The good news is you've found a way (albeit complicated and tedious) and perhaps more importantly, you've found other ways to masturbate that feel good but haven't gotten you to the point of orgasm yet. I do want to validate the frustration of masturbating and not reaching orgasm, so I'm not disregarding that problem at all. But I wonder, if you can try to relax and get "out of your own head" and masturbate with the sole purpose of pleasure and not of reaching orgasm for a while, maybe it'll happen. This is quite common for people who struggle to reach orgasm, as our brains often dictate whether we do or not. Often when people struggle to orgasm and they switch to going into masturbation without the expectation of orgasm, that's when it happens. This would be, in your case, more so for the manual or vibrator method.
Re: the situation with the lube, that's more of a physical hurdle so I also understand with anal masturbation it's going to be hard to relax since you have to be worried about the exact amount you use. I know you said you've tried many different kinds (and props for even making your own!), would it be an option to try a few more? It might be a reach, but might be worth a shot. Also, though, do you have this sensory experience with anything else such as lotions, body wash, etc or just lube?

[Anne-26368]

Hi Sofi,

In regards to the "would it be an option to try a few more [lubes]?", the short answer is no.

I have tried small bottles of lube from every brand available in my local sex toy shop (which is around 5 total brands, by the way) and it's the only sex toy store around for over an hour; even if I were to somehow take the trip (bare in mind I have no reliable means of transportation besides family, who aren't going to want to take that long out of their busy schedules for the sake of my ability to masturbate), there is no true guarantee that any store I check will have different brands.

Of course this could be solved by online shopping, but the idea of buying a whole bunch of testers of lubricants off of a specialized online retailer or worse, Amazon is... not something I'm quite sure I would be comfortable with.

I'm not much more sure if my sensory issue is one that I have with other substances such as body wash and lotions or just lubes, as I don't use lotions very frequently and due to skin sensitivities I use vegatable glycerin as my body wash / soap, and that is same substance is what I used to create my own lubes, and it has the same effect as the bought ones - I have noticed that when the liquid is thin enough, it does act as a sort of light lubricant without effecting my sense of touch, but the only time I've ever managed to create that in a practical fashion is to use gycerin for my safe for-sensitive-skin bubble baths - sadly however, when I tried as an expiriment to create a lube that thin it ended up as effectively soapy water, which isn't good enough for internal use (and is too messy for much else).

In regards to the "you can try to relax and 'get out of your own head'" question... I've tried.

This is a problem that I have always struggled with, and I really don't know what I can do about it.

Sometimes I get lost in my own head because I'm desperate for some kind of release, sometimes it's because the person in the erotica or audio porn I am interacting with cums and I, getting too into it, want to do it at the same time because it feels right (and then nothing happens), sometimes I get insecure about how long I take, sometimes it've been going for so long that I simply get bored and start thinking about something else, sometimes even I get stuck in my head about how I'm stuck in my head; this isn't a problem I have exclusively with sexual things, I'm just always in my head, either fantasizing or planning, getting lost on how long it's been and realizing in the time I've spent planning my morning I ended up never even getting out of bed until the afternoon...

I think it's something to do with my reliance on disassociation as my primairy and only coping strategy since and for most of my childhood, and the getting stuck in my head was originally to do with protecting me from a dangerous outside world by staying in one that fundamentally can only be safe, but now I'd imagine we're getting pretty far outside of your area of expertise.

If you have any further advice of any kind on that (getting out of my head, I mean) I would love to hear it, though!

Warmly, Anne

PS: only half relevent fact, "sometimes" (by which I mean quite frequently) I go for so long that I end up getting sleepy, and the warm embrace or sleep will take while the vibrator is both running and on me.

This is annoying because it limits the amount I get out of the session with me spending so much energy on trying to stay awake, but it's also sad because it means that I sleep without my plushies, as they are place on my desk chair and pointed away from me during naughty time to maintain their childlike innocence.

Poor girls, they must be so lonely...

[Nicole]

Hi Anne! I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. It's super important to not overstep your comfort level, so if you don't want to purchase lube online, then that's totally okay.

I can totally understand your frustration with getting stuck in your own head and dissociation. From experience, I know that it's not easy to control or overcome. I do have some insights from my own experience if that'll help! Often, I try to eliminate all forms of expectations. I always recommend with going into masturbating without the goal of orgasm, but rather exploring your body, seeing what feels good, and going along with that. I think Sofi touched on that a lot, which seems doable as you mentioned that using a vibrator does make you feel good despite not reaching orgasm. I still know that this is disappointing since you miss the experience of having an orgasm!

With that, I do want to add that maybe changing the environment that you're in might help with relaxing your thoughts and overall comfort. You mentioned bubble baths--I know you said that creating lube from that didn't work, but I do know that baths/showers/etc. can create good spaces for people to explore what feels good. Also, do you remember what was going on in your life when you reached orgasm those two times? Like location-wise, stress level-wise, etc.? Maybe looking into what worked in the past could help figure out what to incorporate in the future. Let me know if this helps!

[Anne-26368]

Hi Nicole,

In regards to your advise on bubble baths and what was going on in my life at the time... I don't think that bath thing is practical (I'll get back to the latter part in a second).

I do actually very frequently try to masturbate in bubble baths, they make me so comfortable that it just naturally occurs, but when I do so all I can really do is manual masturbation, which has never gotten me really anywhere... although I suppose we are trying to get out of that mindset so maybe it's not the worst idea.

Either way though it still has problems, as I've said before I usually masturbate with a wand but my wand is barely even splash proof, the only way I could use it in the bath is before I fill the tub.

Additionally I usually like to use porn while I masturbate, but I cannot exactly use my phone in the bath... not to mention the additional problems given that I usually don't consume video porn but instead images, which requires a hand to scroll, erotic which has the same issue, and audio porn which doesn't really work without some kind of waterproof headphones (bare in mind I can't use in-ears for complicated reasons I'd rather not get into).

Besides that I will keep continuing to masturbate in the bath, but I don't think I can do much more to improve it.

As for what was happening in my life?

Well I had only just hit my first year on HRT (no progestorone at that point, only estrogen), I recently bought my second and favorite dildo, my school work was light, but I thought that was only because I was missing something (I wasn't) so I was very stressed about that, I had only recently discovered erotica and audio porn, and I was starting to feel horny in a way I was comfortable with for the first time in my life; overall exciting times, but also stressful time's in it's own right.

Locationwise I was in my bedroom for both, which is where I almost always masturbate (I have elsewhere, but rarely), for the first time I was on my desk chair at a rather odd angle so I could penetrate myself without riding the dildo (riding has never worked out for me), and the second time I was on my bed on my hands and knees; both of these positions I've only ever done during penetration, and I chose them for that, so given that I'm not really able to do penetration comfortably (those two were outliers in that regard) and as such generally avoid it, doing those positions again wouldn't really help.

In regards to the "masturbating without the goal of orgasm" advice... I really do try.

I often make a point of going into masturbation with the plan of just feeling good and being happy with that, and no plan to make myself cum, but I just don't stay like that... either the erotica/porn/fantasy I'm having has somebody orgasm (or in the case of audio porn I am asked to), and that makes me want to and then I'm disapointed when I 'fail', or I just get in my head and want something final so that I can stop but it never happens...

I don't have much more to say on that, but I hope my answers were helpful.

Warmly, Anne.

[Mo]

Hi Anne,

I just wanted to pop in and say that I really get it, in terms of the difficulties of sticking to that goal of enjoying masturbation without the goal of orgasm. Sometimes it can feel really fulfilling to just focus on pleasure, and sometimes it just winds up being frustrating or uncomfortable. I think it's worth keeping at it, but if you find that it's just causing you more frustration or disappointment, it may be a good idea to take a break for a bit (either in terms of stopping that session or taking a small break from masturbation in general).

[Anne-26368]

Hi Mo,

Thank you for your comment, it's nice to know that I'm not entirely alone on this problem (the focusing too much on orgasm, not the requiring penetration to do so).

I hear you on the taking a break from masturbation advice, although I feel it should be noted that that (in both ways mentioned) is something I have been historically very bad at throughout my life, and especially recently, so it's advice I could doubtfully follow.

Warmly, Anne.

[Mo]

I can understand that! When you've tried to take breaks from masturbation before, do you have a sense of what makes it difficult? The reason I ask is that sometimes if masturbation is a habit out of routine or boredom, vs an immediate feeling of arousal or desire, that can make it less likely to feel really great or fulfilling.

[Anne-26368]

Hi Mo,

Sorry for taking so long to respond, I've had a busy week.

The problem is somewhat habit (I don't really have anything nice I can do for myself when I'm feeling down because all of my hobbies require physical things that you can run out of, and that happens all the time, so masturbation is kind of all I have) but mostly that I'm just constantly horny.

It's a common side effect to progestorone, I'm just not used to it yet.

Warmly, Anne

[Elise]

Hi Anne, hope you have a relaxing weekend ahead after a busy week.

In terms of having alternate activities for when your down, would you be open to exploring other activities you could try that are not as dependant on supplies? We could assist with brainstorming if you would like?

[Anne-26368]

Hi Elise,

I would absolutely be up for brainstorming activites for me to do that are not dependant on supplies, and I would love your help on that, that's very kind of you!

Warmly, Anne.

[Carly]

Hey Anne -- maybe we can start by hearing what hobbies you have already that need supplies? I think what would help with our brainstorming.

Something that doesn't require any supplies that I've really relied on the last few years has been going on nice long walks to relax. Do you live in an area that's easy to walk around in? Sometimes it's fun to add another element to the walk, like bird watching or foraging.

[Anne-26368]

Hi Carly,

It's coming up to the beginning of winter here in Canada, which means snow... lots of snow.

I do like walking, but not only am I in a not great part of town for that (with rude as heck neighbors), but it's already blanketed out there, so that's a no go for now.

During next spring I'll try to go for more walks though, and maybe I'll feed the birds while I'm out, that's always fun.

I've been planning on taking a foraging class as well, so that'll help.

As for hobbies I currently enjoy, I like candle making, I play video games sometimes but I always feel unproductive when I do that so I generally avoid it, I'm starting a ceramics class in a week or two... I like board games but I never have anyone to play those with, let alone enough games to play (they're so expensive), I enjoy reading but the library is over an hour away just to get there (on foot I mean, I can't drive and with how nervous cars get me I'm not sure I want to).

I cook for myself, which is nice, though I can't do my own shopping and it's fairly hard to make anything I can safely eat, given how hard it is to avoid foods I'm not allergic to, let alone make something I enjoy.

I also do vinegar pickling almost every month, as a treat.

I enjoy making things, especially things I can keep or utilize in some way (or eat, I suppose), so it makes sense that requiring materals that can run out is a common prerequisite with me.

Hope you had a good first day of December!

Extra warmly (because it's cold out there!), Anne.

[Michaela]

Hi Anne!

I've been following along on your thread and have brainstormed some ideas that require minimal supplies if any. I feel you with the cold weather at the moment (I'm in upstate New York and we have definitely entered the dreary winter). I can list some of the ideas that I thought of or know that others do as some form of self-care or entertainment. Hopefully, it can help to give you some ideas of other ways to lift yourself out of feeling down so that you are not only dependent on masturbation.

• Some alternative ways to move your body that don't require being outside could be throwing on a youtube video of an exercise or stretching class like yoga or a Zumba class (I'm a big fan of dancing as self care and that can look like even turning on your favorite song for a 2-minute dance break)

• Engaging with music in other ways, if that is something you enjoy. For example, searching for new songs, exploring different genres, making playlists, or just sitting back and feeling the beat!

• I'm also a big crafter so I truly understand the struggle of always needed supplies that run out wayyyy to quickly. Sometimes when I need a creative outlet and don't have the supplies I will just sketch or doodle using pencils or other mediums that don't tend to run out quickly. Youtube is amazing here too because it's so easy to find a drawing class online that you can follow along with.

• Enjoying a hot beverage is a go-to of mine and can be a lot easier than cooking something.

• Since you mentioned that you like reading but it can be hard to get to the library, have you ever thought about writing? It's pretty easy to find some great journaling or creative writing prompts online.

• You mentioned liking to make things with a function. Sometimes when I have that desire for a greater purpose behind what I am doing (although I feel like I could make some good arguments for larger uses and benefits of doodling and music) I tend to lean on doing something that feels productive like learning a new skill. Examples of things that wouldn't require materials or disappearing materials could be learning a language or learning how to play an instrument.

• Finally, the classic for me is a nice long shower with all my favorite moisturizer products to feel refreshed (the details of this might look different for you since you mentioned sensitive skin)

Well, those are some options I thought of at the moment however it can just be a starting point. Do any of those sound like something that would feel rejuvenating or enjoyable for you?

[Anne-26368]

Hi Micheala,

I'm sorry for taking a week to respond, it's been a stressful little while.

To keep this short, because you wrote a lot (thank you by the way, I can tell you put a lot of effort into that), I'm going to respond to each idea one by one, as few sentences each (retroactive edit: I never manage that, do I?).


Exercise or Zumba class: I like doing things that are physically exerting not for the sake of the exertion itself, but because I enjoy the activity; for instance, I enjoy walking because I enjoy the trees and the sky and occasionally when I'm further out of town, the interesting plants and mushrooms of the local forests, but I wouldn't enjoy walking on the spot for the same length of time, so exercise itself isn't something I'm fond of.

As for zumba specifically, I don't know what that is (I had to look it up)... I think the fast-paced full-body movement of that might literally kill me.

I can walk for miles but a run could be the death of me, and that is no exception.


Exporing music and playlist making: my offline music collection (which isn't my full collection, just the songs I've backuped) has recently reached around 2,400 songs, from a variety of musicians across a variety of genres; I'm on my second pair of hi-fi headphones, and I've had a very exploritory relationship with music all my life, so I think I've got that down.

Also yes I do playlisting, but honestly so much of my music is hard to find or semi-lost media at this point, playlisting is generally impractical; it's a downside of obscure tastes.


Drawing: I gave up on drawing around a year ago now, and rather ironically given your suggestion, I gave up because of sketching.

I think it's the least fun part by far, and as someone who draws lineartless (and always has, as lineart baffles me for some reason) and finds shading to be the most fun part, sketching is not only the most important, but also, by far, the longest.

I would usually spend about one week (sometimes longer still during the worst of it) trying to get a just a single sketch down that was workable (and getting one at the end of it was rare), before spending 3 days at most (and even that was dragged out so I would have more time to enjoy it) doing the coloring and shading; it was just too much, and my mental health is much better now that I've quit.


Hot drinks: I make teas all the time, usually herbal teas, and it's great.

Too bad all the interesting teas are so expensive though.

Besides teas are the only hot drink I really care for; I like my drinks soothing, and outside of that I'm not fond, really.


Writing: I have been writing for the last 3 years; it is my only reliable hobby. You might've realized the fact that I'm a writer by how terribly written this post has been (kidding, kidding).


Language and instruments: I'm planing on learning french, but that's so I can get into university, not really for fun, and I'm kind of doubtful I'll enjoy it. If I wanted to learn a language for fun I'd be learning Latin or Greak so that I could read the originals of the epics, or greak poetry, but that's kind of a later-in-my-life goal; I'll be getting into that in my 20s when I have better resources, I see no reason to rush that.

I used to play the violin but my father kept pushing me on it to a point where it became a chore rather then a hobby, so I decided for my own sake to quit (I didn't even tell him, it wouldn't be worth the energy). I'm not really interested in any other instruments, so learning to play another one doesn't sound very appealing.


Long showers and moisturiser: I don't know how far back you've read into this thread Micheala, but I kind of already responded to the shower thing.

I rather baths over showers (I have a bad back, there's no way I'm going to do all of that leaning just to shave my legs) -> I have a habit of getting turned on in the bath (it's a comfortable place to fantasise) -> masturbation instead of selfcare (what we're talking about alternatives to, right now).

It was a kind thought, but that doesn't work for me.

Moisturizing meanwhile, well, I react to most moisturizer, and the only one I have that I don't react to is quite thick and a little unpleasant to apply, which doesn't exactly sound like the relaxing experience you're likely imagining.

To give a sense of scale (for lack of a better term) for when I say I have sensitive skin - I'm allergic to all soap (I use vegatable glycerin, which is a sugar~alcohol, because unlike soap atleast that doesn't physically hurt to apply), I get a severe burning sensation that leaves lasting marks when expost to Aloe Vera, and least believably, I once spoke to a dermatologist who was in her... must of been 80s given how long she worked there, who said that in the 60 years she'd worked in skin health, I had the most sensitive skin she'd ever seen (although maybe she says that to all the girls ) - I mean, if I touched that stuff they use to wash crude oil off of baby ducks in those Dove advertivements, I'd be recovering for days.


It was very kind of you to give me a list like that but I don't think I could get anywhere with those.

If you have any other ideas, however, I'd love to hear them!

Warmly, Anne.

[Michaela]

Hi Anne,

No worries that many of those things did not resonate with you. We are all so individual about what we do or do not find enjoyable. One of the main purposes behind that post was to show the breadth of things that can be used as a form of self-care. At its essence, for me at least, taking care of myself when I'm feeling down or exhausted tends to be about finding pleasure in aspects of life around me. Yes, pleasure tends to be associated with sex and masturbation but it can also be super helpful to focus on what pleasure feels like for things that are not related to sex to be able to have other tools in your tool belt. Sam has a great article that's definitely worth a read which dives into this idea a little bit more and provides additional examples (I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment).

You mentioned not having many things to rely on when you're feeling down other than masturbation, but from your response to that post, it sounds like maybe music and tea could be two things that you find pleasure in. So, it might just be about changing the way you engage in those activities. For example, being more cognizant of how your body is feeling when you sip your favorite cup of tea and the smell of it or paying attention to how your body feels when you turn on one of your favorite songs. It also sounds like writing might be something fulfilling for you, would this be an activity that you could lean on more when you are feeling down?

Let me know what you think!