self care after rape

[tos3]

(This ties in to my other post.)
How can I reclaim my body after rape? As previously stated, I tried to insert a tampon and got a flashback. I've tried penetration with other objects and it all amounts to pain. If I had a partner now who had a penis, I do not think I would be able to have vaginal or oral sex with them (oral because my rapist made me blow her and I could not breathe.)

I know this is a common feeling after sexual assault, but I want my body back. I want to be able to enjoy penetrative sex again. I want to be able to have partners with penises. Or, at the very least, I want to be able to use tampons without almost crying and feeling incredible pain, and seeing my rapist's face.

Any advice at all would be helpful. I have taken some measures already, as I have bought a new bed so I don't have to sleep in the bed where she raped me.

Thanks.

[Heather]

Hey there, tos3.

I think one thing to know is that all of this takes time, and often, a good deal of it. More than a few months, to be sure. I know that stinks, since this was something someone else did to you, not something you chose, so you having to live with the consequences of it is absolutely an injustice. But that is, however unfair, simply the reality of all of this.

So, one thing I'd do is remind yourself that because this is how this is now does not mean this is forever: it's not. With healing and help, this will almost undoubtedly change for you, just probably not soon.

Your best bet, I'd say, is thinking about some baby steps. For instance, what can you do now that does make you feel at home in your body, at peace with it, and where it feels like it is 100% yours? Finding or rediscovering some things that check those boxes for you that you CAN have right now not only give you ways to have that feeling, but those things also support you getting there otherwise over time.

Getting that new bed, for instance, is a great step. I'm glad you were able to do that. What else can you think of that you can do -- much of which will not likely cost you anything like the bed did -- right now without a struggle or emotional pain?

[tos3]

Thanks for replying, Heather.

I like to exercise in small ways -- walking around my neighborhood, dancing in my room, etc. This helps with many aspects of my mental illness.

It is very difficult to wait, but I understand in a way that life is mostly waiting.

Do you have any other ideas? The exercise is the only thing that comes to mind right now.

[Heather]

Perfect: I think physical activity that isn't sexual is a great one. How about maybe also finding some sensual -- not expressly sexual -- things? What's sensual is a bit of a pathway to what is sexual, but can feel a whole lot safer and often not be at all triggering.

I know that the waiting sucks (personally and professionally). I really, really do. The good news is, in my experience, that while you are in it, it seems like everything moves so darn slow, but there will come a time where you will look back, from a different place you're in now, and be like, "Whoa! I actually got here and while it felt so slow at the time, looking back, I got here way faster than I thought I would."

Again, I know that's kind of cold comfort while you're here, with it all so fresh, and it's hard to be patient with this. Of course you want your life, your body and your sexuality back: they're yours, and you've every right to them. But like a bone that got broken, healing does tend to take time, and usually more than we'd like.

[tos3]

Thanks, Heather, for responding again.

What do you mean by "sensual"? Could you give me some concrete examples?

[Heather]

Does sensory have any more resonance with you?

What I mean are things that engage your senses in ways you enjoy: your sense of smell, touch, sight, hearing, sound.

For instance, gardening can be sensual if we go about it as an enjoyable sensory experience: we feel our hands in the warm earth, get all those smells, get the sun on our backs (well, I live in the Pacific Northwest, so not as often as others, but still, you get the picture!), etc.

Eating or cooking can be sensual. Working a pottery wheel can be. Taking a long bath or soak can be. Making or appreciating music, dance or art.

Sex is largely sensory, which is why, when we enjoy it, we tend to so much. But there are other ways, like these, to engage and relish in our senses which can give us similar kinds of enjoyment and psychic, emotional and tactile "food," as it were.

That make more sense?

[tos3]

Yes. Thank you. I will try those things.