I'm 13 and struggling with kink/BDSM

[awhiskandalamp]

Hi, I'm new to this site and struggling a tad. See, I'm a kinky mofo. I started doing the devils solo tango around 5/6. I didn't really explore kink or even really think too far about it until I was around 10. I am a verse-sub, and I am poly with a girlfriend and a boyfriend. The problem is: none of us have that one long piece of the jigsaw puzzle, and y'know, I'm mainly a BOTTOM. Both of my partners are somehow more bottom than me. I'm actually not sure if it's that I was just voted off of Total Ddramaick Island to become the top, or if my severe sexual and general trauma make it really hard to give someone else control of my body, even if it's entirely consensual. The point is: Masturbation isn't really doing it anymore, and I'm feeling unfulfilled in my sexual relations. I want a dom, but I don't know how to get one(or if it's even okay to have one at this age) that's around my age and willing to put up with my struggle to let them dom me. I can't really ask my parents for a sex toy, because they're almost always a wildcard when it comes to my having sexual activity. Help :')

[Carly]

Hey awhiskandalamp -- welcome to the boards! There's a lot here that we can talk about with your post, let's first address the main question. We frequently see what you're describing with other young people interested in BDSM on our boards, which is knowing what you want or want to try, but not being able to explore that in the way someone older might. For your safety, you're not legally allowed to join the kinds of apps and sites that folks use for seeking out this kind of exploration at your current age. I don't think you're too young to experiment, but I think it's going to come down to connecting to someone your age interested in the same thing or working with your current partners for right now. Does your boyfriend or/and girlfriend know how you've been feeling about this?

Can you explain a little more about how you're feeling about being a bottom in general? You mentioned having a struggle of wanting that and knowing you're a bottom but also finding it hard to give some one else control. What is that dynamic like for you?

And, one last thing -- depending on the kind of sex toy you're after, there might be some DIY options. Check out D.I.Y Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition for some ideas.

[awhiskandalamp]

Hi Carly,

No, they don't. Also, how would I be able to find someone like that?? Sex life doesn't usually come up in conversation at my age because a lot of people either don't have one or are uncomfortable speaking about it, so that would be a pretty far stretch, even without living in a highly religious neighborhood.

Well, I want to be ordered around and taken control of. I like the sound of not having a say in what I do or don't do. I want there to be "punishments" or something like that for misbehavior. I've tried doing it myself but it doesn't work. I have trust issues and find it hard to let anyone see any kind of perceived weakness. It's also that people tend to expect me to be the top because of my general demeanor outside the bedroom. So when someone is expecting me to be one way, I feel pressured to be that specific way. Not to mention middle-schoolers are assholes and would probably tell everyone about how I am in bed.

The reason my partners don't know is because I don't know how to bring it up. I also don't want them to feel bad. I tried to push a little for it last time me and my bf got BIZZZAAYYYYYYY incredibles reference but he just didn't know what to do, and couldn't figure it out. I haven't done anything with my gf yet, because we don't see each other often, unfortunately, so it wouldn't do a lot anyway.

Thanks! I'll check it out!

[Nicole]

Hey awhiskandalamp,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here. I just want to ask, would you like to brainstorm ideas on how to approach this topic with your partners? It seems like they must have a decent enough understanding of your sexual interests since you're in a relationship with them. I do know that they kind of just threw you into the dominant role in the relationship, which I can understand is frustrating and not really doing it for you. In a relationship, reciprocity is super important and your sexual interests should matter just as much as theirs.

Also, I understand that being put under pressure by your partners can be daunting and I'm really sorry that you're experiencing that. Since you already have these partners in your life, it might benefit you to speak up about how you're feeling and your interests in kink/BDSM. If that doesn't work out and they shut you down, we can talk about some other options.

Let us know if anything resonates with you and please let us know what you think of the article that Carly recommended!

[awhiskandalamp]

Hi Nicole! It's all good!

I would but I wanna handle the situation delicately. They do somewhat: I haven't talked it out like we've been meaning to, I keep forgetting to have a negotiation when we all meet up so I will do my best to remember and bring it up next time we're all together. I know, but I'm not a confrontational person when it comes to things like this.

It is what it is, I tend to always put others' needs before my own so doing stuff like this is a bit of a struggle for me. Thank you so much.

Omg, y'all are so nice and for what :')

Yeah, it's all well and good except when you don't have access to condoms because ur parents are divorced and your sister is a collage and your brother gets no game.

[Sam W]

Hi awhiskandalamp,

If you want a little help having those conversations with them, our Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist can be really helpful!

As for safer sex supplies, if you don't have the money to buy condoms, you could do a little digging to see if somewhere like the school nurse or even a local LGBT center has free ones you can take. Too, your partners may also be able to locate them in those places (or you three could pool money to buy some if that's an option).

[awhiskandalamp]

Hi Sam,

I'll check it out!

Okay! Thanks!

[Nicole]

Hi, great! Please let us know if you need any further assistance, we’re happy to help!

[awhiskandalamp]

heeyyyyyyy yallllll

we broke up and now im a single kinky hoe alone with his thoughts and smut. sufferage. anyway how tf do i find a dom my age

[Sam W]

Hi awhiskandalamp,

Oof, break-ups can certainly be rough. How are you feeling about it overall?

The tricky thing about finding someone who shares your kinks is that, until you're 18, a lot of the platforms that make it easier just aren't an option. The advice I generally give people is to focus more on finding a partner who they like and have a good relationships with and then talking about the sexual elements when/if you and that person decide to be sexual with each other.

Part of the reason I give that advice is that sometimes it easy to get into the mindset of "I need a Dom/sub/etc"," but the behaviors and dynamics attached to those labels are actually pretty variable, and in a lot of cases people would be happy to try them--or are actively interested in them--without ever labeling themselves as belonging to those categories.

[Sam W]

I do want to add that I think it's important to keep in mind that you're only thirteen. I don't say that to be dismissive, but more to point out that you, and your peers, are still at an age where you're just starting to think about or notice the things you might be sexually interested in. Exploring sexual preferences, including things like BDSM, is going to look different for a person in their early teens versus a person who's an adult, in no small part because adults not only have access to different resources and spaces, but also because of where they are in their own understanding of themselves.

Again, I don't say that to dismiss or downplay what you're noticing in terms of your own desires. It's more that expectation management is something that needs to be kept in mind when we're talking about all this; we're not able to give the same advice we would to someone who was legally an adult, because what's needed to explore those sexual interests safely looks different for someone who's thirteen versus someone who is twenty.