Masturbation questions

[Nessa709]

Yesterday, my best friend and I were babysitting a four year old for one of my neighbors. When the parents came home, the dad went to bed but the mom put on hot chocolate and we sat down around the kitchen table.

Shortly after that, the child walked down the stairs into the kitchen with her hands clenching and tapping her vulva. The mom asked her what she wanted. She wanted something to drink. While pouring her some juice, she asked her, "by the way, do you remember which two places you are allowed to touch your private parts?" The child was quiet, but mom reminded her the bedroom or the bathroom. The kid drank her juice and said, "okay mommy." Too cute.

After the child went back upstairs the mom said to us, "sorry girls you had to see that, but she recently discovered her vulva in the bath a few months ago and sometimes can't get her hands off of it. I am sure you can remember being her age."

Which got me thinking. I can't remember how or when I started masturbating but it was also awefully early. I remember being three years old and slipping my hands into my panties to rub my vulva at bedtimes and naptimes. If my mom walked in and noticed, she just reminded me to keep this private and not in front of people. I remember asking her the first time she told me that, "why, is it bad?" She said, "well some people think it is." I asked "do you think it's bad?" She said, "I don't think it's bad if you keep it to yourself and only do it by yourself in your bedroom."

And then I never really thought about it much ever until I found out the name "masturbation" in grade six and soon began doing it one to four times a day.

But when we were walking each other home after babysitting, my friend said to me, "wow, that mom was calm and cool as a cucumber about masturbation. I wish my family was like that." I asked her what she meant and how her family was. She said that she got in trouble a few times as a kid when touching herself down there, and that once her and her older sister were old enough to understand what masturbation actually was, her parents constantly reminded them not to start doing it, as it becomes a bad habit.

And as if my friend always feeling guilt about masturbation now isn't bad enough, she also shares a room with her sister, so she doesn't even have privacy.

She says she sometimes masturbates under her blanket at one in the morning, but feels like she is doing something bad, and is constantly worried about her sister waking up and potentially catching her.

I lied to her about my true feelings about masturbation because I felt embarrassed having never actually had a proper conversation about masturbation with anyone. It was feeling weird. So to try to cut things short I just said, "well maybe it's for the best. Masturbation is over rated and not that special."

I felt guilty later for not being honest with my friend later. Now I don't know what to do. I wish I could help her understand that masturbation is okay, but at the same time not having horrid feelings towards her parents or her upbringing and just accept this as a mistake made by good parents... no hard feelings.

But even after that, she has no or little privacy which is sad. Every girl should have enough privacy to masturbate once in awhile. At least I think so.

Her parents told her constantly that masturbation will become a bad habit. Well, it is habit forming. I did it throughout my childhood, several times each month, and now, several times a week. So it is a habit, but is it a bad habit?

[Nicole]

Hi Nessa709,

I just want to start off by saying that it's totally normal to masturbate several times a week and there's nothing unhealthy about it, as long as you're doing it safely and it doesn't interfere with anything important like school or work. Also, children tend to start exploring their bodies quite young, even before they understand exactly what they're doing!

I feel for your concern about your friend and how you responded to her. You definitely aren't the first person who feels a little shy or embarrassed when talking about masturbation! It wouldn't hurt to try to mention this to your friend and express how you actually feel the next time you see her. Once you get around to doing that, then I think you'll be at ease. Do you feel comfortable doing that?

As for your friend's situation at home, it would be important to recommend some other private places where she can masturbate--like the bathroom, or shower specifically. It's similar to what that kid's mom said, haha. While I cannot relate to her experiences, I know people who have dealt with parents who punish them for anything related to sexual activity, even when it's done safely and privately. It can definitely come from some generational stigma as our society was probably much less sex-positive when her parents were growing up. It might also be beneficial to bring this up with your friend if you feel comfortable.

Let me know if any of this resonates with you. We also have some articles on masturbating privately if the bathroom doesn't work for your friend. Let us know how that goes if you feel comfortable.

[Nessa709]

Hi nicole, and thank you for your reply. To quote you, "I know people who have dealt with parents who punish them for anything related to sexual activity, even when it's done safely and privately."

That's also just it. How come I have never actually thought of masturbation as sexual? If masturbation is sex by ones self, sex isn't actually on my mind at much at all, at least not when I masturbate. I don't look at pornography or think about the sex act during it. I just like the feelings I get. Maybe it's just because I started so young when I didn't even know what sex was. And I am sure sex wasn't on the mind of the little girl we saw yesterday either.

I don't know how to restart a conversation with my friend. I worry about either one of us being uncomfortable. It's also like I want to talk to her and support her, but do I want her to know I masturbate a lot? Well, maybe I don't need to share that, but then I will probably downplay it again, or lie about myself, and then feel bad all over again. It's a tight line to want to share but not want to either.

This situation brings up so much thoughts for me now. My mom did say when I was little that some people think this is bad. Now I run into my first encounter with someone who at least has parents who think exactly that way.

So far masturbation has always been something I took forgranted that I could do whenever I wanted. Now I am hypothetically imagining myself struggling to masturbate with unsupportive family, and a lack of privacy to go with it. I picture myself trying to navigate that kind of world, must be aweful.

What articles about lack of privacy do you recommend me to read? I am curious how someone without privacy could attempt to find ways to masturbate.

Also, if I do ever talk to my friend, should I encourage her to talk to her sister? She is in the same boat, sharing a bedroom and having the same parents. Maybe they both will give each other support and privacy away from each other that they both need? But it may backfire, if her older sister sides with the parents, they might all start spying on her or something.

I also thought what about offering her my bedroom sometimes when she comes over? I can give her the time and space she needs once in a while. Or would that be going to far?

[Sam W]

Hi Nessa709,

You know, I don't think it's all that strange for you to have thought about masturbation mainly in terms of pleasure rather than as being specifically a sexual thing. As you mentioned, when little kids masturbate, the fact that it feels good is what's driving it (and why parents have to have discussions like "I know it feels nice but it's also private). It's not really until we hit puberty that those sexual thoughts or feelings might start being attached to it.

As far as that talk with your friend, if you decide to have it I would go in just with the goal of finding out how she feels about the messages she got (and is getting) about masturbation. In a lot of cases, what people who are dealing with shaming messages around sex need is someone to listen and maybe offer a different perspective. Does that make sense?

These two articles are really good for figuring out how to find or create privacy for masturbation: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexu ... rbating_at, https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... ts_knowing