Why do I sometimes feel ashamed? Should I?

[gizmoX]

My sex life is a bit tricky and very secretive. I am okay with it but I sometimes feel ashamed by it because I have to hide it.

My first time doing it was February of last year, and I have had 5 other partners including the one I have now. I see it as having a new partner every 4 months.

I kind of ask myself how many partners will I have by age 21? The answer I give myself is 24. I will be moving out of this house eventually, and that gives me possibilities.

I don't want regrets. Like I said in my other post I don't' know what I want. I mostly don't want to feel ashamed. I don't want to miss out either.

So, is an average of 1 partner every 4 months a bit crazy?

[Sam W]

Hi gizmoX,

People's sex lives can be so varied that there's nothing inherently bad or weird about having new partners frequently.

That being said, depending on where you are in life, that may not always be the best call, even if it's something you ultimately enjoy or are okay with. You've said in the past that your mom would react badly if she knew you were sexually active, and it sounds like you're having to be pretty secretive in order to have sex. The tricky thing is, even when you're careful, there's no way to guarantee that a parent won't find out you're sexually active (especially if you live with them). So if she were to find out, does that feel like something you're prepared to deal with?

Too, I think it might be time to consider pumping the breaks on some of this. Being sexually active means making a lot of choices around what you want (and don't want), and it sounds like right now you don't have a strong sense of those things. To me, that feels like a dynamic that could cause you to be in over your head without really meaning to be. So, what do you think of pulling back from sexual things until you're able to develop a clearer sense of those wants?

[Heather]

Hey again, gizmo.

I also always want to add that -- as it sounds like you have experienced -- having sex we have to hide, even before/without being caught by who it's being hid from, tends to be something we really want to try and avoid, limit, and stop if it's started.

That thing of having to be hiding often inhibits our bodies and minds actually being relaxed enough to be doing the things they need to do for sex to really feel good in all the ways, including emotionally and socially. It creates and adds stress. It makes the relationships or interactions it's happening within have that weird element of secrecy baked in, which tends to have more negative impacts than any positive it might allow for. And it certainly tends to set people up for things epically blowing up in everyone's face, including often totally breaking trust in another relationship, which can really mess up that relationship in big ways, sometimes to the point of having reverberations everyone in them feels for many years.

Sex can be pretty great sometimes, for sure, but sex alone is rarely worth all that and more bleck from that situation, no matter how good it is, you know?