Sex with a coworker

[Rubie]

New here. 19 years old, but it looks like I'm still okay to be here.

I have had this new job for 5 weeks now, working with a guy who is older than me. He is very nice and respectful, he doesn't treat me like a kid. We have had coffee together several times now and had lunch together a few times. I'm trying to give him hints that I'm interested in him, but either he doesn't notice or he is too afraid.
How do I have a conversation with a co-worker and telling him that I'm interested in him? How do I tell him that I find him attractive? How do I tell him that I would like to be sexual with him?
I've also never been with an older guy. I want to somehow make that clear to him, I don't want to make myself look like I just sleep with guys all the time because I don't.

[Carly]

Hey Rubie -- welcome to the boards! Yep, you're in the right place even at 19. There's definitely a lot we can talk about here, but first I wanted to ask a little bit more information. How old is your coworker? If you don't know, how much would you guess?

I also wanted to ask about the hints you've been dropping. When you say he doesn't notice or is too afraid, what do you mean by too afraid? Is there anything that makes you think that he could be not responding because he isn't interested?

[Rubie]

That was a fast reply. Thank you.

He graduated in 2010, he is either 29 or 30.
I work primarily with him. A big part of orientation was sexual harassment, I think he is too afraid of making a move because maybe he thinks I'm going to say something about him.
He invited me to coffee last week, we met up an hour before work. We have done this four times now. It's only the two of us.
I've been out with guys my age, most of them make an advance within 30 minutes, 70% of the time I told them that I'm not interested. This guy isn't even trying, but I think it's all because we work together.
I have never made the first move, but even I'm afraid because we work together. Part of me wants to kiss him and see what happens, but I'm afraid to do that too.
I'm just as afraid. And maybe I'm in the wrong. Maybe I'm reading him wrong. This is the first job I've had where I'm around guys who are older than me. There's a few guys that I don't like at all because I know they're looking at me. But this guy is different, I wouldn't hesitate to go to his place if he invited me.

[Carly]

Hey Rubie -- thanks for more context for your question. When you were going through orientation, did they talk about what the policies are for employee relationships at your workplace? Often employers have very specific rules about this and violating them could have serious consequences. When you say you work primarily with him, what does that mean? Is he a manager or your trainer?

Also, if he did just see you as just a friend, how would you feel?

And just a quick note! We're not always able to respond as quickly as I did. I just happened to be online and able to get back to you. We're not a 24/7 service and I want to make sure that you have the right expectations about us.

[Rubie]

He is my team leader, he watches over me and like 10 other employees.
A relationship is okay but one of us would have to work in a separate department because he is at a position of authority.
I don't think he sees me as a friend. I really do think he's trying to get the guts to move beyond friendship. He's not taking anybody else to coffee in the morning, and he's not having lunch with anybody else that I know of. If I'm reading him wrong then I'm clearly either screwed up or desperate.
I really want a relationship where I can trust the guy that I'm with. I was cheated on in my last relationship, and the ending was not nice at all.

[Sam W]

Hi Rubie,

So, as you probably know, him being in a supervisory position makes this even trickier. Part of the reason your work has that rule is because there are just a lot of ways someone dating someone else they have some kind of power over at work can lead to a lot of issues (even if everyone enters into it consensually and fully intending to keep things professional). If you and he did express mutual interest and wanted to date or have a sexual relationship, would you be up for moving departments, or would that seriously mess up your job for you?

When the two of you are out to coffee or lunch, what are those conversations like? Are they mainly focused on work stuff or do you talk about pretty personal things? Or something else entirely?

Too, and I do not mean this in a snarky way, are there things about him that make you feel like he'd meet that qualification of being someone you could trust in a relationship? Being cheated on sucks, and I absolutely see why you want to avoid partners who don't feel trustworthy because of that.

[Rubie]

We just now made plans on meeting up for dinner tonight. Maybe I'm not reading him wrong? It's with two other co-workers, t's not a date. But he did invite me.
I guess it's safe to say that I work at a store with 400 employees. Im sure I could always transfer to a different part of the store, just as long as we keep management up to date and not keep anything secret. I don't know of any married couples working there but I've only been there for 5 or 6 weeks now.
Our conversations have not been about work, it's mostly been about me. I moved out here a few months ago, get away from everything, it's a long story but he knows most of it.
He's worked there for 10 years, I would have to believe that he's trustworthy. I don't know of any hidden girlfriends.
We will see what happens tonight, hopefully for the best. If I get my feelings hurt then so be it I guess.

[Sam W]

Hi Rubie,

Thank you for all that context, it's really helpful!

If nothing else, it sounds like he's being thoughtful enough to try and include you in social outings related to work (which is what I'd call a dinner out with co-workers), which says some nice things about him as a person. Since it sounds like your lunch and coffee conversations have been more focused on getting to know each other, do you feel like you've learned as much about him as he has about you during them?

[Rubie]

I had sex with him last night. It was okay, it was fine for both of us.
He wants to keep the relationship between us. I feel like that's a bit of a red flag but I can also understand it.
He was busy all day today. Never heard from him at all.
I'll see him at work at 7 am tomorrow.
I feel a little hurt by all of this. Monday is going to be a bit weird. I think Sam W was right when he said that a lot of issues can happen out of this. I'm sure everything's going to be good though, but yes having sex with a supervisor changes a few things.
Now I feel stupid. I have these thoughts in my head and I'm trying to tell myself that everything's going to be okay.
I wanted a relationship. That's what I wanted. I feel like for him it's nothing but a little fling. I'm trying not to think that. And now I'm saying too much.

[Carly]

Hey Rubie -- there could be a lot of reasons why he wants to keep the relationship between you two. One of them could be workplace policies and internal drama, which is something we suggested before. But! And this is a major but! I want to point out that you feel like this is a red flag. There's something about this that doesn't sit right with you, and I think you should listen to that. If this is something that feels really important to you, this might not be a good situation for you in a way that has nothing to do with him being older, a coworker/supervisor/etc. Does that make sense?

When our conversation started, you were focused more on feeling attracted to your coworker and thinking about initiating a sexual relationship. In your most recent post, you said you wanted a relationship. What, if anything, has changed what you wanted with this person? Have you developed more feelings? Also, it doesn't sound like you had an extensive conversation about what you're looking for and what your expectations are for each other - have you? There's a chance he does only want a fling, sure... but unless you talk about that, assuming things about what he wants or doesn't want might make you feel more anxious and confused about the situation.

[Rubie]

The red flag was during sex. He knows more about sex than me, he also had more control than other guys I've been with. He has tons of experience, and I guess it caught me off guard a bit. Sex was okay, but it wasn't what I was expecting.
We did talk about it. He was surprised I wanted to do it. I was the one who made the first move, and I sort of forgot about that. But he wants to remain friends, he would love to keep on having sex with me if I'm okay with that, but he hopes that we're all good no matter what I decide.
The lunches and the coffees were to let me be comfortable with my new surroundings. I should have known that too. He was being a really nice guy, nothing else.
I'm blaming myself on this one. I jumped in way too fast. New town, new life, new friend, and I needed some love to go with it apparently.
And no, no extensive conversation and no talk about expectations or anything like that. Everything happened really fast, and that's my fault.
I've had my crying on this one. Feeling a bit stupid. I come here looking for advice but instead I kept on going.
I still like him. I'm still going to work. I need to backup a bit and figure out what I'm going to do next.

[Sam W]

Hi Rubie,

I think backing up and pumping the brakes is a sound call, if only because you're finding that this is leading to some crummy feelings rather than positive ones. Sometimes, when we're super into someone or there's something we think sex/a relationship can help us feel, it's easy to go full speed ahead, so try not to be too down on yourself for that (and hey, he's also playing a role in the speed, since he had equal power to suggest you two take it slow).

When you say the red flag was during sex, can you say a little more about that? Was it more that you were surprised by something that emerged or was there something that you felt wasn't what you were hoping for or comfortable with?

[Heather]

I also want to pop in here and just gently remind you of something, Rubie.

You're a really young adult, and often stumbles or fumbles or what we feel were bad calls after-the-fact in this area of life, just like with so many others, is often some of how we learn how to do all this better. Learning by doing, particularly in this arena, is how this all goes in so many ways. We can't know things until we know them: no one is stupid for not knowing how a thing was going to turn out before seeing some or all of it through. Sometimes to really see a thing for what it is, we may even have to be on the other side of it. That's life, you know? We all not only get to, but absolutely will, make mistakes.

Be kind to yourself. You sought out credible information and support -- great step! -- and then you made a decision based on what you wanted, what felt right, and that information. Sounds like in this case that choice was made more with the latter two bits, but that's okay. You get to do that, see how that goes, and then use *that* experience and information you've now gained in your choices with this and other situations moving forward.

[Rubie]

Heather, I don't feel as crappy now that I read all that you said. Learning by doing, and we can't know things until we know them. That was me in a nutshell.

Sam, you are correct on everything that you said about the red flag.

This guy had control and he had experience, and I'm guessing he has done this many many times. Let's just say that I knew what was coming up, everything was consensual, and if I said no then he stopped.

I think mostly I'm just in shock by all of it. I learned a lot. I have mixed emotions, I guess I'm happy that I tried it. Never any pain involved, just a ton of pleasure but in a weird way.

Sam, you are right when you say that he had equal power to take it slow. Now I'm second guessing everything wondering why he went so fast with all of this? Casual sex would have been perfect for me, but maybe he doesn't like that?

I don't feel stupid anymore. It was an experience. A welcome to adulthood I guess. Maybe I'll look back at this and think it was the greatest thing ever!

What I did learn out of this is that I don't know anything,.lmao! I've had partners, I'm not new to sex, but all of my partners have been at my level of experience.

And I have no bad feelings towards him at all. I'm okay being around him.

I'm happy I found scarleteen. I think I would have been a bit of a mess if I didn't have this place.

Be back at work tomorrow.

[Nicole]

Hi Rubie,

I hope it's okay that I'm jumping in here! We're similar in age. I've had similar experiences to yours. I have often caught myself in situations where it was clear that the other person had more sexual experience and it threw me off. I see what you're saying about this guy and I'm glad you're putting your gut feeling first--intuition is really important. I wanted to ask how you feel around him at work now, but you mentioned that you feel comfortable, which is good to hear. If you want to update us on how you're doing around him at work, please feel free. We are here for you if there's anything you want to update us on. I can understand that this might be an awkward situation, especially if he's your supervisor.

With that, I'm with you and Sam on this one, he had equal control in this and probably knew what was going to happen in the aftermath if you suspect he's done this before. If thinking about this is causing you trouble, then it might be best to keep your distance. However, I'm glad you turned this into a learning experience. I wouldn't say that you don't know anything though, you went into this with various expectations from just observing his behavior so please don't be hard on yourself. Plus, you only have so much life experience. I hope what I said resonates with you in any way and please take care!

[Rubie]

Hi Nicole,

I jumped into this thing with him because I knew he had more sexual experience, I also knew he was more mature. I felt like bumping up a level, wanting to prove to myself that my last relationship wasn't going to knock me down.

I'm sure he was aiming for what was going to happen, but I caused everything to fast forward due to making that first move. He was very surprised when I agreed to do it with him, he asked a few times to make sure. I could have walked away.

I'm asking myself why I didn't walk away? Again, mixed emotions about all of that.

He did nothing wrong, it was just unexpected. I'm okay being around him, I don't feel unsafe at all, mostly I feel embarrassed about everything. I don't plan on having any coffees or lunches with him for a while!

Truthfully, I'm sitting here shaking my head. I don't plan on doing it again. This is a fetish of his, I'm sure he'll find another female down the road.

You can't judge a guy by his looks. I've never known a guy like him, and why would i? We all have secrets. Maybe I'll go find another guy and go on a date with him, but now I'm going to be wondering what kind of secrets he has.

[Carly]

Hey Rubie -- do you want to talk about those mixed feelings you're having about not walking away? To be frank with you, the way you're describing this sexual encounter is making me wonder if you didn't actually want to engage in his fetish but agreed to it for another reason. Am I on to something here? Do you think wanting to have a relationship with him influenced that decision in any way?

[Rubie]

Carly, in a way what you say is correct. Having him as my real only friend out here and having feelings for him kind of pushed me a tad. Maybe not wanting to lose a friendship over saying no? I've had a few days to think about it, I should have slowed everything down from the beginning.

I did talk with the store manager today and made a request to move to a different department as well as a request to move to a different shift. Not sure when they will happen, it could be a while, but my request has been put in. The manager didn't seem all that surprised, he didn't even ask me why.

I'm not going to have any relationships with any of my coworkers from here on. Keep the coworkers separate from my private life.

On a good note I will be taking some time off for christmas, and that will get me out of here for a while and I will go visit some relatives of mine.

[Sam W]

Hi Rubie,

I want to start by saying I think you're doing a great job in terms of taking steps to put yourself in a more comfortable situation. Doing things like asking to move departments or shifts isn't always easy, and it also sounds like you're setting some boundaries with yourself around what kinds of relationships to pursue. Those are all wonderful steps in taking care of yourself.

Too, what you're describing about not wanting to lose a connection--one of the few you have in a new place--and thus maybe saying yes when you weren't sure you wanted to is completely understandable. When we're making those kinds of decisions, sometimes our brains are factoring in so many things at once that it's only a few days later that we go "oh, maybe THAT'S why I did that." It kind of fits with what Heather mentioned about this being a learning experience in a lot of ways, you know?

Relatedly, how are you feeling about the connections you've been forming in your new area overall? Has it felt pretty easy to find people who you can build friendships with?

[Rubie]

My brain was on overload with him, a million things at once and trying to step back a thousand times to try to figure out what I was thinking about a moment ago.

It is a learning experience. No physical harm was done to me, but mentally I've learned that communication needs to be wide open when it comes to this stuff.

I've been going to the gym since I've been here, making connections outside of work. Had one guy who helped me out yesterday and I will admit he was very cute. There's also a girl there that's maybe a year or two older than me, I think we're both trying to figure out each other and to see who makes the first move. I am bisexual, but I'm not going to rush things anymore

[Carly]

Hey Rubie -- I'm glad you're viewing this as a learning experience and taking some lessons about communication away from it. What are your thoughts about having sex and/or relationships at work? Have your opinions changed on that? If someone you know was in the same situation, what would you tell them?

I'm glad to hear you've been going to the gym. I think it's so important to build connections in a new place, and routines also help. I do have a suggestion though -- would you consider taking a break from pursuing people to date and concentrate on making friends? I know that things just unfold naturally sometimes, but maybe some time off from making moves and trying to anticipate others' might give you a nice break to get yourself rooted in a new place. What do you think?