my bf accidentally violated my sexual boundaries

[mushroominc]

hi, i’m currently ruminating on something my boyfriend did a couple of days ago.

but before i get to that here’s a quick backstory to understand more. i had an ex boyfriend who SA’d me. he pressured me into making out w him when i didn’t want to, guilt tripping me and all that. i was with him for two years before i finally had the courage to break things off and i realized that he SA’d me.

i have a new bf now who has been nothing but respectful. i’ve been with him for over a year now and he has not once pressured me into making out or having sex. when we’re making out, he ALWAYS makes sure i’m okay. in the past i have broken down crying out of nowhere and he immediately stops. in the past when i told him before to stop, he does. he’s aware of my sexual trauma.

until a few days ago he accidentally violated my boundaries.. we were making out and he went to finger me. i was fine w it, he checked w me before. then i wanted him to stop. so i asked him to stop.. and he didn’t.

this is where things get tricky. i remember him responding back “in a min” in which i just brushed off in the moment bc ig i wasn’t serious abt him actually stopping yet.. but a few seconds past and i decided i do want it to stop. so again, i ask him to stop a second time.

he actually does this time. he stops as if this is the first time he heard me say stop. he goes to check me but at this point i feel myself starting to tear up so i nuzzle my head onto his shoulder. he asks me if i’m okay and i don’t respond. he sounds concern and hears my sniffling.

he immediately freaks out and apologizes over and over again. he hugs me and just feels awful. i’ve never seen him so distraught… at that time i told him that it wasn’t his fault and that i was probs just triggered. he says it’s not my fault and that he takes full responsibility.

i then ask him if he heard me say stop the first time. he says he did not. i then tell him that he responded back with “in a min” but he tells me that he doesn't remember saying that.

keep in mind that he has never given me a reason to not trust him. so i trust his word. i believe that he was on autopilot, like it didn’t register that i told him to stop. like he was too focused to realize it. bc again, when i said it the second time he stopped immediately. and this was only a few seconds after.

and i’m just… confused. i’m trying to be okay. i know he didn’t mean it. but i kept reading online and reddit (worst mistake) that it can be consider sexual assault bc he didn’t stop. but he did! he just didn’t hear me. i feel like if he didn’t respond at all, it woulda been more easier to logically tell myself that it’s okay.

i’m scared it’s going to happen again. he always respects me. i don’t want this to be SA. i don’t think it is bc it was a honest mistake. and he showed me that he felt really sorry. i don’t know what to do. i don’t have therapy until january bc i’m on christmas break. what can i do about this? i want to still be with him and rekindle our relationship..

[Sam W]

Hi whitesp4ce,

I'm sorry that this situation is causing you so much stress, and that it sounds like it activated some of the trauma you're carrying from your previous relationship.

From everything you're describing, including his overall behavior in the relationship, this sounds closer to the kinds of miscommunication or mess-ups that can happen during sex even when everyone is trying to listen to and respect each other's boundaries than it does to sexual assault. Part of what might be driving some of the other responses you're seeing is that some people do hide behind the excuse of miscommunication or not hearing something to hide the fact that they deliberately violated someone's boundaries. Which is frustrating, because it makes it harder to navigate those moments where someone isn't quite paying attention, is on autopilot, or otherwise messes up and hurts or upsets us.

With all that in mind, one of the most important factors is how you feel about all this, not what I, or anyone else, has to say about it. Am I hearing you right that this feels different to you than what happened with your previous partner?

[mushroominc]

yes, it feels different.


with my previous partner, i always felt bad if i didn’t want to make out. he kept telling me things like “but i need this” and at some point i told him i didn’t wanna make out anymore and to give me some time, but even then he was annoyingly asking me when i was ready to make out again saying stuff like “but it’s been a couple of months. hurry up.” after i broke up w him, i would always bring it up and he would play victim.

like i said, my current boyfriend always makes sure i’m okay. but the one time he accidentally messes up i’m freaking out. i’m relieved that it isn’t considered SA. i talked to my friends about this too and they also said it was a mistake he made. one of them is a victim of SA too and she didn’t say anything about it being SA.

my question that i have is that it’s completely normal for there to be miscommunication and mess-ups in sex? bc everywhere i read it’s always like there’s never mess-ups like it’s not normalized. if there’s a mess-up, their responses are “dump him.”

[Sam W]

Ooof, I am so glad you got away from your ex, that sounds like such a miserable situation to have been dealing with.

In my experience, miscommunications and mess-ups are more common than they're sometimes presented as being. Sex can be messy, and even people who are respectful and communicative partners can have moments where they misunderstand or misjudge or otherwise mess up in a way that hurts them or their partner. It also matters how they respond after that harm, if they're genuinely apologetic and take steps to make sure they don't mess up the same way again rather than being dismissive of what they did or how the other person is feeling.

I think a big part of why we don't see that dynamic discussed as much is that it was, and still is, used to excuse actively harmful behavior and patterns of abuse. When excuses like "it was just a little mistake" "she wasn't clear enough" "there's a grey area" are used to justify or wave away some seriously awful stuff, if you're trying to fight back against rape culture (which is what those messages often are a part of) one tactic is to respond in the way you've been seeing.

[mushroominc]

that makes sense. my ex boyfriend has told me it was a little mistake before but he kept doing it over and over again while putting the blame on me. at some point i remember telling him i might be asexual and he responded with “you better not be.”

i think i have a fear that my current bf will make the same mistake over and over again. i also keep thinking he sexually assaulted me even though he didn’t. i can’t stop thinking about it and it’s been a couple of days now. i’m scared that the feeling won’t go away and i really want to stay w my bf. i don’t want this mistake to ruin our relationship. i’ve screwed up terribly before and he forgave me for something awful i did. how do i move on from this?

[Michaela]

Hi whitesp4ce,

I definitely want to echo Sam above and say that it sounds like you absolutely made the right call ending things with your previous boyfriend since that behavior is quite manipulative. That also sounds like an extremely hurtful and traumatic relationship you were in which makes sense as to why you are struggling with this situation now-- you have been through a lot.

In terms of your current boyfriend, after that moment, have you both had a chance to talk about what happened and how it made you feel or your fears about it happening again?

[mushroominc]

yes Michaela, i have talked to my bf about it. after that happened we laid in silence together but i was still registering what happened. i was okay with him holding me.

i didn’t actually talk to him about it when i got home after i talked to my friends. they said to create a safe word that will always mean stop. my bf and i created one in the past but we never used it idky. i will use it for sure now. my bf also told me that he’d rather not make any moves anymore. he didn’t say why, but i think it’s him letting me know that he’s also scared.

i’m on vacation so we couldn’t talk much about it. i want to talk about it in person and i will when i go back home which isn’t till after new years.

[mushroominc]

i also want to quickly mention that my current bf has made one more tiny mistake in the past but it never bothered me like this.

he was teasing me and he asked if he can nibble on my neck. i said no, but he asked again like how a little kid would ask for things: “pleaasee?” again, i said no and he “fineee!” in a goofy voice. that was the first time he asked two times. i got triggered and started to cry. i told him i didn’t like that he asked twice and he apologized. he said he was just teasing me and didn’t mean for it to sound like he was going to force me. he never did that again.

i talked to my therapist and friends about this and they also said i was just triggered and how apparently normal couples are able to tease each other like that? that shocked me honestly… like they’re aware it’s all a joke and don’t find it as “omg he’s trying to force me!”

i’ve had experienced with being forced so i do know now that my bf wasn’t trying to force me but just being stupid. so i think my brain is trying to relate this situation back to that.

[Mo]

You know, while teasing is okay and even fun in some relationships, it's okay if you don't like it! It doesn't have to be part of any relationship, and it isn't weird or wrong of you to not enjoy it. I know that early on in my relationship with my partner, they teased me about a few things I was very sensitive about and hurt my feelings pretty badly; we had a conversation about it and they agreed not to joke about those things anymore. They hadn't meant to be hurtful but some things just hit people a certain way. Especially since this was your boyfriend "teasing" around pushing a boundary you were trying to set, I can definitely understand why this upset you.

[mushroominc]

sorry if this is a bother but what’s with the quotes around teasing at the end? is that a bad thing?

i mean ik it hurt me and he understood it. he hasn’t done that ever again.

[Mo]

I just meant to indicate that it was something he seems to have intended as teasing that didn't land that way for you, sorry it was unclear.