relationship troubles

[saturdaysun]

Hey,

I'm not sure how to start this but basically, I'm having issues in a relationship with my boyfriend. I'm 19 and a woman, he's 19 and a man.

Out current relationship is a little out of the ordinary: we started as best friends, then friends with benefits, then grew from there. Currently, he is my boyfriend and we are long distance (we go to college in different states), and we are physically non exclusive but very much in love.

I think we've been having some more issues as of late? And I don't know if it's just the honeymoon phase going away or if it's something more. I'll list them out below.

• I don't particularly want to be physically non exclusive. This is something we've discussed before, but he still wants to be physically non exclusive as we don't see each other often at all. I would rather have him non exclusive than not have him at all, so I've conceded this point for the most part.
  
  We haven't told our parents. I can't tell my parents because of cultural issues: they expect me to start dating around 23 and marry within ny culture and religion by 25, and my boyfriend is not my culture, religion, or race. This isn't an issue to me, but it's an issue to my boyfriend, as his ex (his first girlfriend) was in a similar but stricter situation where she couldn't really hang out with him at all. His mother didn't like that and I agree: his ex treated him poorly. However, because of that situation, his mom pretty much made him promise to not lie about dating and to not do long distance. Since he's pretty much going against his mom's will, he has not told his parents. We have both told our friends that this is going on.
  
  I'm currently sick, and can't see him. This is really unfortunate because we're both home for break and this is the time I should be seeing him the most often, and I know he's really disappointed. The other day was the day I was supposed to see him after coming back from visiting family abroad, but I obviously couldn't, and he sort of gave me the cold shoulder the whole day and we haven't been able to talk it out since then.
  
  Related to the last point, he doesn't really like communicating. It makes him uncomfortable and he doesn't know how to express himself well. I really like communicating, and I know we have different styles (I'm learning to give him space immediately post conflict because our needs are different).

Is this normal? This is my first relationship and I have no baseline for what's okay and what isn't. I'm also scared because I've seen people say if you even contemplate it being the end of a relationship, your relationship is basically over. Is that true? I don't exactly want it to be true because I really do love him and it's more so a thought that's occurred because of just having issues. What do I do?

[Sam W]

Hi saturdaysun,

It's certainly possible that some of this is the honeymoon period wearing off, but it also sounds like there are some external factors that would make it difficult to navigate any relationship in the mix. Being long distance and having to keep a relationship secret from your family are both things that can put a strain on even the most stable or healthy relationships.

It may be worth focusing on your last concern first, because communication issues are going to make it harder to deal with everything else and they're something that you and he have some degree of control over. When you say he doesn't like communicating, is it that he shuts down or refuses to talk with you about relationship conflicts or bigger questions (like relationship structure)? Or is it that he doesn't communicate much at all, even about low-stakes things?

I don't think contemplating the end of a relationship means it's basically over, but I do think it's generally a sign to pause and take a look at the overall state of the relationship and if there are issues that need addressing. If you haven't already seen it, this article can help you dive into that question more deeply: Does Your Relationship Need a Checkup?