Confused

[Mixxes]

So I've currently been dealing with rejection and also confusion from a close friend, let’s call her Tammy. I've had a crush on her for a few months now and yesterday she confronted me about it and asked if I liked her. I said that I was actually even going to ask her out to Queer Prom and plan something special. She said she really liked my spirit, my soul, and my mind, but that she wanted a girlfriend and I wasn't a girl. She also felt confused about my non-binary identity and couldn't get past it. She said she thought about gender in a very binary way and, is working on it, but that right now non-binary identities confused her and she doesn't want to hurt me because she's "ruined all her past relationships" and she really likes me and doesn’t want to lose me. I said that I was polyam and that we don't necessarily have to have a romantic relationships. There were other relationships we could explore like if she wanted to be with me, but in a friend way, we could explore a friends with benefits, like with that guy she was with. She said she thought it would be a bad idea for her to have sex with me. When I inquired why she said she didn't know that it just sounded like a bad idea. I also inquired about her current (now former) fwb and she said that she was with him because he had a big dick and was a macho man, but that it was a form of self harm because he didn't respect her nor see her as a trans woman. I was very confused because she was willing to be with someone who disrespected her but was "binary", but not consider a non-binary person she was drawn to because they were not binary. She also said she didn't want to lead me on and she told me "don't let me sleep with you." I was very confused about that, but I said okay, that I wouldn't. And then she said, "now that that's out of the way, do you want to sleep in my bed?" I told her I didn't feel comfortable with that and she's said it's okay. She wanted me to stay at her place, but I didn't feel comfortable with that either. Then she said that nothing she said was definitive and I said okay. I feel she does like me, but I’d confused about her feelings. And it makes me feel confused. I know now all we will ever be is friends, but then she says things like “it’s not definitive” and she caresses me and holds me like a partner and I get really confused. I don’t want to be with someone who is confused about me, even if we’re just fwb. I just don’t know how to stop being attracted to her, and to stop falling for people who feel confused about me in general. It makes me feel a little ashamed to be non-binary.

[Sam W]

Hi Mixxes,

Oof, I absolutely see why that left you feeling confused and crummy. It seems like she made a lot of big statements about her attraction patterns and desire not to have any kind of romantic or physical relationship and then threw in those comments about it not being definitive right after. Now, of course, it's good that she's aware that feelings and attractions can change, but to throw that acknowledgment in and ask to share a bed right after this very big conversation about the nature of your relationship wasn't a great moment for that.

As for how to stop being attracted to her, with crushes it's often a matter of riding them out until the feeling fades. Do you feel like stepping back from the friendship a little bit or adjusting how much you see or talk with her might help at all?

As for that frustration with falling for people who seem confused by you, I think it can help to, for now, write that off as a string of bad luck, since it doesn't sound like you're doing anything other than feeling your feelings and then discovering the person you have a crush on doesn't get your identity.

[Mixxes]

Yea. I think I’m definitely going to distance myself from her. Especially when she continues to caress me and treat me like a romantic partner when I’m not one.

It’s pretty hurtful to think that someone you cared about and who you thought cared about you views you as a weird anomaly rather than a person. And if I was binary that they would feel different. I’m not going to change for anyone, but it def hurts. It stings. And there’s really nothing I can do about it. I’m not even quite sure I should be friends with someone who doesn’t get or respect my identity.

[Sam W]

Yeah, I think that distance might be the best call, especially if she's doing physical things that are only adding to that feeling of confusion or hurt.

As far as staying friends with her goes, that's entirely up to you. For some people, saying things like "I can't get past your gender identity" is an instant dealbreaker for friendships (which is 100% understandable), while others may decide there's something else about the friendship that makes them want to keep it and try to make things work. But if you're already feeling that unsureness of keeping a connection with her, that may be a sign that the friendship isn't a good fit for you right now.