Aromantic but likes being loved

[Han]

Basically I've been in a lot of relationships. I'll admit, some were definitely not legal (I was a minor dating older people), but I realised I've never NOT wanted to be loved by someone. I'm a 17 year old girl. Turning 18 in a few months. I am sexually attracted to everyone.

I hate being in relationships. I hate the romance and having to emotionally support another person. I'm hypersexual and I really like the idea of a sexual relationship.

My issue is that 1. I like the idea of romantic relationships but when it comes to actually being in one I hate it. So what sexuality am I? am I aromantic? I love the idea of all the lovey-dovey stuff and I fantasise about it and I love the chase of being attracted to someone and wanting them to like me back but when they do, and I get into a relationship, I hate it. It feels suffocating and tiring to keep up the romance and love. I need a label to understand myself. I don't know what I am.

2. how do I find someone who just wants sex. I'm not very interested in men right now. I love women. but how do I find a girl that just wants sex and not anything more than that?

3. My last girlfriend was very much a romantic person. She loved romance to the point where we'd celebrate EVERY month of being together. I preferred the sexual side of things. Does that make me a bad person? I got so excited about sex it was basically all I could think about around her. she would do all these big things for me (and I'm not saying I didn't do grand gestures for her too and little romantic things for her too, cause I absolutely showered her with affection) but it felt like suffocating when she'd say things like 'I love you' and make cards for me and dress up all fancy for our at-home dates (I'm agoraphobic). I always just felt so caged being with her. I only really felt happy when we'd hang out just as friends and play video games or when we'd have sex. I don't know. I think I need reassurance that I'm not a terrible person but also I need someone to tell me if I am a terrible person.

[Sam W]

Hi Han,

I'll address your last point first: no, you're not a terrible person for enjoying and wanting sex but not feeling that same way about romance. I really, really like the advice given to someone in a similar situation in this article: https://www.scarleteen.com/article/advi ... lationship. While we tend to view romantic relationships as someone "better" than primarily sexual ones, the reality is there are plenty of people who prefer to steer clear of the romantic side of things.

As for how to navigate those casual relationships, this article is a great starting place: Casual...Cool? Making Choices About Casual Sex. Finding partners who share your preferences may be a little trickier until you turn 18, since you won't have access to things like dating sites or apps, which can make it a bit easier to find people looking for casual sex. But, until then, I think being up front about your desires with potential partners is a good call; that way, neither of you are entering a relationship that doesn't match you needs and wants.

When it comes to labeling yourself and your desires, I think this is actually a matter of understanding them and then seeing if there's a label that fits. Right now, it sounds like you're gravitating towards aromantic as a descriptor. Does that feel like the right fit, or is there something about it that makes you feel like it doesn't quite apply to you? Too, can I ask why you define your desire as hypersexual?