I'm afraid of having sex but I really want to. (Virgin)

[staplesj_]

So I'm 25 (male), and I grew up in the church and my ideas about sex were really based out of fear. I was often told that if i have sex before i get married then I am going to hell.

I am growing out of this mentality and I really want to have sex. I feel like I'm horny 24/7. Some days I just really want to have sex but other days I feel shame about being intimate with someone. I have never seen the opposite sex naked mainly because of my upbringing which came from religion.

I really want to have a sexual consensual encounter. I don't know how to go about it. I don't know how to go down on a girl or even with PIV. I'm afraid that I won't last long because of my lack of experience.

What defines being a virgin? I've always been curious to ask.

I for sure need advice.

[Sam W]

Hi staplesj_,

There are a few different elements to your question, but I'll start with the one on virginity first. The truth is there's no one, single definition of virginity. That's because virginity isn't a physical state of being; it's an idea, which means people can and do define it according to different beliefs and ideas about sex. This article is a really good starting place for learning more: Magical Cups & Bloody Brides: Virginity in Context

I'm glad to hear you're unlearning some of those shame-based messages about sex that you grew up with. How would you say that process is going? Are there particular messages you really want to be rid of but can't seem to shake?

We can certainly offer advice--and the main site has a LOT of content--on the areas of sex where you feel like you don't have the information you need, but I first want to touch on that feeling of being aroused a lot of the time. Have you found that masturbation helps relieve that feeling at all, or does it feel to you like it's something that can only be satisfied by partnered sex?

[staplesj_]

Sorry for the late reply, I think that masturbation can only do so much at times. I just hate the feeling of being aroused and horny but not being able to do anything sexually except masturbation.

Messaging wise, I think that not being a virgin anymore, or not being able to be someones first time. I thought I wanted just one sexual encounter ( when I'm married ) I am beginning to see how that can be seen as unrealistic because of hormones.

I don't know what to do honestly.

[Sam W]

No worries, we always encourage folks to reply at whatever pace works for them!

What do you think is missing from masturbation that you'd find in partnered sex? There's no right answer, but I'm curious as to what feels like it's missing or unsatisfying.

You know, hormones really get a bad rap when it comes to how much they influence our sexual choices. They can certainly influence how much desire we feel on a given day, and the hormonal changes that come with puberty can certainly cause a spike in desire when there wasn't much before. But ultimately, the decisions we make about sex, including whether or not to be sexual with someone else, are driven by things other than our hormones, such as our beliefs, values, and more practical matters like whether or not we have safer sex materials on hand. Does that make sense?

[staplesj_]

Well I think that since I never had intercourse or sex with anyone masturbation is my only way of pleasure sometimes. When i'm done I feel deflated. I just want to have sex honestly. I hate getting off by myself sometimes because I want to know what sex or intercourse feels like. Being inside someone and knowing what that feels like. The most I can do right now is with my hand.

Sorry for the TMI : )