Was I sexually assaulted?

[Bubblegumkid]

This is my first year in university. i recently met a guy who is 8/7 years older than me. At first i had no idea he was that much older than me because he looks younger than his age. The first time we had a conversation we clicked. We spoke about something quite deep and i remember i like how mature he was and how he could intellectually indulge in a conversation. on the day we started speaking, later in the evening we met up in his room and he told me how he liked how much he liked me. He asked me to be a part of his life (committed relationship). After speaking to him i felt quite overwhelmed because the way he he described the partner he wanted made me feel like he had too many expectations i thought i wouldn't be able to fulfil considering the fact that i did not even want a relationship at that time. After our conversation he accompanied me to my room. he then tried to kiss me which caught me off guard because i had not even agreed to a relationship. He used his strength to pin me against the wall and continued trying to kiss me. I literally had to push him off me. After that day we spoke regularly and made time to see each other each day. I think it was after 3 days that he tried to have sex with me which again i was not ready for. I am a person who takes my time in relationships. I do not like being hasty especially when it comes to physical contact. I told him i was not comfortable with it and i did not want to do it and he got angry and stopped speaking to me and accompanied me to my room ( at this point we were in a relationshp) . He continuously would try to have sex with me. He then said that i do not contribute anything in the relationship and he is the reason this relationship has made it this far. I felt really pressured at that point. On the day we had sex we were in his room and again he asked me if we could try. I said no and he went on to say that i am hurting him and torturing him. Honestly i feel manipulated. I eventually snapped and told him we could have sex. it was very painful when he penetrated. its been a day and im still in pain. i hate that i gave in to it. I forgot to mention that there was a day where he continued to penetrate although seeing i was crying and asking him to stop.

[Sam W]

Hi Bubblegumkid,

I'm so sorry that he acted this way, and from what you're describing this absolutely meets the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault doesn't have to involve physical force, although it sounds like he was willing to use that in previous instances; it can involve coercion, which is what he was doing when he was saying you were "torturing" him by not having sex. You say you felt manipulated, which makes a lot of sense because that's exactly what he was doing. Plus, even if you had freely and happily consented initially, when you started crying and asking him to stop, he should have stopped immediately.

Having read all of that, how do you feel? And are you planning on seeing him again, or are you planning to break up with him?

[Bubblegumkid]

I feel angry. I do love him but i hate the fact that he sees nothing wrong with what he did but it's difficult for me to break away from him. I know he isn't the ideal person for me. I know i deserve better but for some reason i always want things to work out and be fine between us. I don't know what to do

[Carly]

Hey Bubblegumkid -- it sounds like this person does not respect you, and it sounds like you know that already. With this awareness, why is it difficult to break away? Why are you hoping it works out? I want to gently challenge you here and suggest you might know these answers but the answers might be hard to admit, which is why you might feel like you don't actually know them. This has often the case for me when I've been in relationships that I knew, deep down, were not good for me. What's the first thing that comes to mind when you think about why you want to hang on to this relationship despite everything that's happened?

[Bubblegumkid]

I guess since he was there when I felt vulnerable ( with being in a new enviroment and missing home and also going through my first breakup) I found comfort in someone "loving" me and "caring" about me. It has been almost a week since i broke with him. I was and still am in a state of sadness and anger. At some point during the relatonship the intensity of what he done clicked. I do not believe you hurt the people you love the way he hurt me. Suppressing my emotions resulted in them coming back full force which is why i cannot even bear the sight of him right now. It was a traumatic experience therefore i do reaise it will take sometime for me to fully heal and live with what happened.

[Sam W]

Hi Bubblegumkid,

The firs thing I want to say is that you should be immensely proud of yourself for ending things. Ending relationships isn't always easy, and that's doubly true when you're dealing with someone who was manipulative to the degree he was.

I hear you on the fact that someone being there for us when we're in a low, vulnerable place can make them appealing to us or create a bond between us and them. And sometimes that's a really positive thing; a friend or acquaintance stepping up and supporting us when we need it can sometimes lead to that relationship deepening. But a sad reality is that there are also people who look for folks who are/seem vulnerable in the hopes they'll be easier to manipulate into doing what that person wants. It's not your fault he turned out to be one of those.

You're absolutely right that someone who's a loving, safe partner will not do what he did, and I think holding onto that fact will make it easier to remind yourself why you left in the first place. How have you been taking care of yourself since the break-up? Are you getting some support from friends or family? Setting aside time for things you love to do or that make you happy?