a couple questions

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! i guess for some background info, im 14 and asexual. i’ve never really felt much sexual attraction and i’ve never really had interest in sex with a partner, but i still get horny (for lack of a better term) and i’ve been trying to start masturbating and feeling more comfortable doing so after years of feeling shame around my thoughts/urges. i have a few questions regarding these topics (i hope thats ok and i hope this is the place to do this sort of thing, still trying to navigate this site lol)

1: i cant seem to find my clit. like the other day i tried touching myself (didn’t really work lol) and i couldn’t seem to find my clit, or i did find my clit and it didn’t feel how i expected it to. how does the clit feel when touching it with your hands? like does it feel like a sort of bump or something else? and how can i go about finding it? when i was trying to find it i felt sort of a bump around where the clit most likely should be, but i dont know if that was actually my clit or not

2: what do i listen to while i masturbate? im not sure what would be best to listen to bc i definitely need some sort of bg noise while i do it, but idk what would be best and what would keep me in the mood and not distract me.

3: can and/or how can you diy like a dildo or vibrator or something? just something to stick up yer holes. i haven’t tried zerking off enough to know if whether or not the ol fingers or something else will do it for me, but im asking just incase i need a backup plan.

4: and lastly, any tips on feeling more comfortable and feeling less shame as an asexual that gets horny and masturbates and stuff, but doesn’t want sex?

i hope this isn’t too many questions and i’ll probably have more in the future as i am very new to this, but thank you in advance to whoever responds!

[Heather]

Hi there, and welcome to the site and the boards!

I'd like to start by giving you some links to look at with some of the information you're asking for. I'm happy to fill in any gaps the articles leave you with.

Here are two anatomy pieces that can answer some of your questions about the clitoris:
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

Here's a piece about DIY sex toys:
• D.I.Y. Sex Toys: Self-Love Edition

We couldn't tell you what to listen to with masturbation that's a good fit for you: that's one of those things you'll just have to experiment with to find out for yourself.

In terms of the shame, can you fill me in a bit on why you think you're feeling it? You probably already know that being ace for many people who are is about not wanting sex with another person, rather than not being sexual or wanting sex (which masturbation also is). It's not like someone is only "really" asexual if they have no interest in any kind of sex, including masturbation. What makes someone asexual is just that they identify that way.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! thank you for the response! i read the articles you provided and they definitely helped! the only problem is that i dont have condoms and i wouldn’t be able to ask for them so as it stands rn the diy sex toys are no go unfortunately.

as for the question regarding me feeling shame, if im being honest im not 100% sure why i feel that way. i can think of a few reasons but no 100% concrete answer. the main reasons i can think of atm are because:
1: i’ve never really been told that the feelings im having are ok by a parent

2: i am atleast somewhat sex repulsed in the sense that other people talking about those subjects can make me uncomfortable (depends on how im feeling tho), so i kinda feel like a hypocrite

3: i have a very complicated and personal relationship with sex and its pretty hard to describe but it plays a part in all this

4: im kind of nervous of how it will feel and im afraid i’ll get addicted (for lack of a better term) to it (referring to masturbation) mainly bc im afraid of the unknown

5: because im only 14 i feel like its bad for me to feel this way and that i shouldn’t

6: i tried masturbating once a few years ago which i think sparked alot of this shame and guilt, i cant think of a specific reason rn but yeah


for all these reasons and probably more that i cant think of atm, is why for the past few years i’ve kind of shoved all my sexual thoughts/urges down and ignored them (not great, i know) so yeah. hopefully this gives you more context/stuff to work with

[Heather]

Thanks for sharing all of this with me. This is helpful.

You know, I don't think there is any hypocrisy here, because what you feel and want in your own masturbation has literally no impact on anyone else. It doesn't impact the asexual community, it doesn't impact anyone else who is asexual and/or repulsed by some kinds of sex (sounds like masturbation is a kind of sex you are not repulsed by, but I may be misunderstanding you). The only person involved, literally, is you. Too, we can be uncomfortable with how people talk about sex and sexuality but still have sexual desires of our own: those things don't have to match, and may not match for people sometimes or even all the time with a range of sexualities, including allosexual people.

Masturbation isn't something people can get addicted to: sex addiction as a whole is a pretty questionable framework, and not one we feel is sound here for a number of reasons.

You also mention being 14. It might help to know that masturbation is common for people of all ages, including young children, and the same goes for other ways of enjoying or exploring our bodies. There's no right or wrong age for seeking pleasure in and with our own bodies, I promise.

I'm not your parent, but I can tell you that the wide range of human sexuality is okay and normal. It's more common than not, by a long stretch, for human beings to have sexual feelings, to actively express and explore their sexualities in a range of ways, and to experience and explore pleasure.

I would say, too, that in our overarching culture, it certainly can take some time in life to get comfortable with any or all of sexuality, and to do so without shame. Not being there at 14 is pretty expected: it can take decades, even the whole of life for people to work through sexual shame. <3

[SillyMcGoof_]

thank you so much. this was all very affirming and comforting to hear. i appreciate it so much also yeah masturbation is the one form of sex im not repulsed by, atleast for myself, but i still get uncomfy when others talk about their sex lives including masturbation, would that make me a hypocrite? i might have more questions in the future if thats ok but i cant think of any more at this moment. thank you again for everything

[Heather]

Glad to be of help!

By no means does what you're asking about make you a hypocrite.

Just because we're okay with sex or sexuality in one context doesn't mean we have to be in another, or we're somehow doing something wrong. Too, being okay with your own masturbation doesn't mean that you -- or anyone! -- are going to be okay hearing people talk about their sex lives. These are wildly different things, and there are also a number of reasons you might be uncomfortable with that talk. For instance, some folks aren't at all inclusive of ace people, or say, sexual trauma survivors, when they talk about sex, or don't even consider that someone ace or a trauma survivor might be listening. Some people also talk about sex in a way that you might feel more or less comfortable with just in terms of what boundaries they do or don't have, what kind of language or frameworks their using, or if they are even asking for your consent to talk about that with you there, you know?

[SillyMcGoof_]

mhm!!

[Heather]

If it helps to know, I'm a 52-year old lifelong allosexual and I even work in sex and sexuality conversations. And yet, I by no means feel comfortable with the way anyone and everyone talks about sex and their own sexual lives.

[SillyMcGoof_]

that does make me feel a bit better, thanks!!

[Heather]

Sure thing.

Is there anything else I can help you with right now? If not, you're welcome to circle back here anytime, be it to talk more about any of this, or about something else.

[SillyMcGoof_]

aa so sorry for the late response! at this moment there’s nothing else i need much help with, although i’ll probably ask more questions in the future. thank you