how do i make masturbation more intimate?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hihi!! im so sorry that i’ve been making so many posts lately, im just constantly thinking of new questions!

so first some info thats relevant to what im about to say in some way or another: we’re a system and uninterested in partnered sex (atleast in the outerworld given that we are a system and sometimes do stuff in the innerworld), which has been mentioned in previous posts but i just felt like i should mention those things here aswell

so basically as the title says, we’ve been wondering if theres any ways we can make masturbation more intimate for us. there definitely is a sense of intimacy when we do masturbate, partially due to our plurality, and partially because of other stuff aswell, but its a bit difficult to explain. we really want it to be a more intimate experience though but we’re not sure how.

we’ve tried touching other parts of our body such as our chest and mouth but it just feels a bit awkward, and its also hard for us to focus on touching multiple things at once while also looking at porn on our phone due to us most likely having adhd. also its a bit hard to “set the mood” due to how our room is (its not very sexy to say the least lol).

we really want it to feel more intimate and for us to feel more involved in it but we’re not sure how. does anyone have any ideas on things we can do to help with this? (specifically taking our plurality into account bc that plays a decent part in all this)

thank you!!! :]

[Carly]

Hey McGoof -- I feel comfortable sharing with you that this is something I've also been exploring for myself in recent years. I'm not part of a plural system, but I think some of that has helped me might help you. My first suggestion, which you sort of touched on, is to really make your room feel like an intimate or "romantic" space. Do you want to share why this might be hard for you to do? I personally approached this by thinking of ways I engaged all of my senses - colors, smells, music, touch sensation, etc - and found ways to incorporate that into preparing my room for some time with myself.

I also want to suggest thinking about building intimacy outside of this context. You've had a lot of questions about masturbation and expressed some anxiety/frustration with it. I imagine it must feel kind of hard to feel more connected to the moment when you're still figuring it all out. Intimacy doesn't have to necessarily be based in something sexual. I want to pass along Self-Care: A La Carte! and How To Actually Date Yourself for some ideas on how to do that. Anything jump out from those?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi carly!

i think partially whats giving me so much trouble is the fact that we’re all on the aroace spectrum and we also just don’t really know what would get us in the mood and put us in a more “romantic” or “intimate “ state of mind. like when we try to think of anything our mind s just draw a blank and we cant think of anything.

the articles you provided are also very helpful! there are alot of ideas there that we will try out, although we’re still not 10% sure on what to do in terms of intimacy specifically during masturbation. i guess this is partially due to as stated before, that our room isn’t the most “sexy” or “romantic” place ever, and we’re honestly just pretty stuck on how to make it a place where we can get more in the mood if that makes sense

[Carly]

Hey again -- I totally get just not knowing what could work, and sometimes we don't even know exactly what to suggest for folks. I do think this will take some experimentation, especially if there's different preferences within your plural system and you want to try to incorporate that. If you're not sure what could work for masturbation in particular, like I said, I think you could work on it in another context first.

Do you want to share more about your room? I gave some suggestions in my first answer about how I've been able to make my room a more intimate space; if those don't really apply, feel free to give us more detail about your frustration here so we can try to give more specific advice.

[SillyMcGoof_]

oo ok thanks!!! apologies if im like making you repeat yourself over and over again with what im saying.

i guess in terms of our room, its pretty messy. it has yellow walls (they’ve been like that for our whole life but we wanna change it) and theres alot of plushies and figures and other misc paraphernalia in there. its not really personalized to my liking but that’s mainly due to money stuff. thats also probably partially why im having a hard time with all this bc my room isn’t really exactly how i would want it to be which makes it a bit hard to get super comfortable and in the mood.

[Elise]

Hi there SillyMcGoof_,

In terms of approaching how to work out how to make your space feel more intimate, way that could be useful to approach this with is trying individual things tied to your sense and working out a few small things that add the kinds of feelings you'd like to add to your space.

For example: is there a smell that you could add using a candle, incense, an essential oil that you like,? is there music or a sound that elicits a feeling you like? You might notice different smells are nice in different ways, and you might want one more than another depending on the day, rather than there being a "best" one. Or maybe there is a clear favourite! Sound and music are also great things to experiment with in the background. And, since you mentioned you don't love the yellow walls, if you have a lamp with a shade on it, you could turn off the overhead light and put a coloured cellophane sheet on top of the shade to throw a colour? (Cello sheets are very cheap for a lot of colours on amazon or similar, or if you have some money for it, you can get an RGB lightbulb for your lamp from about $13 or so at a Target, and use your phone to change the colour).

Another thing you could try is arranging your things in a way that pleases you if you've been wanting to do that, as it can really make you feel satisfied/relaxed: recently I cleaned out my little kallax unit where I keep my makeup etc. as I'd only generally arranged it in a hurry after moving. It had such a great impact on my sense of peace in the room after that.

The reason I mention focusing on experimenting on individual sensory things is that you will likely find that you'll like more than one thing, and these things may or may not suit the kind of vibe you'd like to create at any given time, so it is good to have options! Exploring various sensory stimuli and seeing how you respond (and exploring the different kinds of 'good' feelings the things you like have on you), is also a really nice way to connect with yourself, does that make sense and sound like something that you'd like to try?

[SillyMcGoof_]

oooo yes i’ll definitely try that!!! thanks for the help!!!

[Elise]

You're very welcome! If you have any further questions please feel free to add to the thread or start a new conversation

[SillyMcGoof_]

ok will do!!